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Updated 2019-01-19 16:18
My Fellow Americans, the State of the Union Is Stupid
Just ask Thomas Jefferson. Related StoriesMy Fellow Americans, the State of the Union Is StupidCourt: No, It Wasn't “Reasonable” to Lock Grandma Up With Male InmatesUPDATE: Judge Rules Province Has No Duty to Recognize Bigfoot
“My Turn to Drive,” the Passenger Said. But It Wasn’t
If you want this option, you should negotiate it with the driver beforehand. Related StoriesLooks Like There's No Ten-Code for “Officer on Hood of Moving Car”Wrong “Peter Brown” Brought in for Murder Sentencing AgainAssorted Election Stupidity
Man Locked in Burger King Bathroom for an Hour Wants Free Whoppers for Life
Before you judge, know that the restroom was allegedly "dank." Related StoriesPlaintiff Blames Fall on Free Drinks He May or May Not Have ConsumedBrake v. SpeedDefendants: “We Never Had a Pet Squirrel”
Saudi Women Now Entitled to Text Message Notifying Them of Divorce
Standard text message and data charges may apply. Related StoriesThirty-Year-Old Man Evicted From Parents' HomeSaudi Government Says It Will Let Women DrivePowerball Problems
Trump Campaign Not Liable for Hiring Roscoe the Pistol
Or the man who wielded him, says the North Carolina Court of Appeals. Related StoriesAssorted Election StupidityCampaign Funds Used for Rabbit TravelKansas Bill Would Require Governor to Be an Adult Human
Testimony of Elmo Monster, Sesame Street Muppet
Elmo loves Congress! Or at least he did in 2002. Related StoriesSing, O Muse, of the Paul D. Ryan Bipartisan Arrow-Shaft Taxation Relief Act of 2003“Dumbest Insider Trading Crime I've Ever Seen” Was Pretty DumbSouth Carolina Bill Would Require All Citizens to Wear Mom Jeans
Thief Dangles From Fence
Here's the kind of post you get when I'm late for a connecting flight. Good image, though. Related Stories“Inchworm Bandits” Are Either Idiots or Comedy Geniuses“Worst Robbers in Belgium” Agree to Come Back at Closing TimeAnother Attempted Water Escape Fails
Happy Holidays! (Now Get Out of My Courtroom)
Jingle all the way. Related StoriesDefendants File Non-Opposition to Plaintiff's Motion for Leave to File Surreply to Motion for Leave to File SurreplyHuang v. HollywoodBanks Sued Over “Craptacular” Loan Practices
Sing, O Muse, of the Paul D. Ryan Bipartisan Arrow-Shaft Taxation Relief Act of 2003
A farewell to Paul Ryan, and also a brief glimpse of how our government works, when it does. Related StoriesTestimony of Elmo Monster, Sesame Street MuppetSouth Carolina Bill Would Require All Citizens to Wear Mom JeansThey're Brawling Again in Taiwan's Parliament
Assorted Stupidity #119
In this episode: Michael Flynn decides to cooperate a little more; the Trump Foundation is shutting down; a deer poacher is sentenced to repeated viewings of Bambi; and so on. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #118Assorted Stupidity #117Assorted Stupidity #116
“Quirky” Lawyer Acquitted of Stalking; Concedes He Did “Meow Randomly on Occasion”
The extent of the meowing remains unclear.
Looks Like There’s No Ten-Code for “Officer on Hood of Moving Car”
It seems to happen more often than they anticipated. Related StoriesWrong “Peter Brown” Brought in for Murder Sentencing AgainAssorted Election StupidityMan Accused of Nude Swim With Sharks Also Wanted for Assault at Medieval Times
Court: No, It Wasn’t “Reasonable” to Lock Grandma Up With Male Inmates
Pretty obviously "at the very core of what the Eighth Amendment prohibits," in fact. Related StoriesMan Accused of Nude Swim With Sharks Also Wanted for Assault at Medieval TimesPlaintiff Blames Fall on Free Drinks He May or May Not Have ConsumedSeriously, Can We Get the Word Out Re: Water Escapes?
Wrong “Peter Brown” Brought in for Murder Sentencing Again
This is why you use all three names when referring to criminal defendants. Related StoriesLooks Like There's No Ten-Code for “Officer on Hood of Moving Car”Assorted Election StupidityMan Accused of Nude Swim With Sharks Also Wanted for Assault at Medieval Times
Scottish Grandpa Claims He Checked “Terrorist” Box on Visa Form by Mistake
Gotcha, "grandpa." Related Stories“Naked American Hero” Loses Challenge to TSA FineDEA Asks for Help Laundering MoneyLatest Airport-Security Exploit: Walking Through in a Group
“Inchworm Bandits” Are Either Idiots or Comedy Geniuses
It's a fine line sometimes. Rarely, but sometimes. Related Stories“Worst Robbers in Belgium” Agree to Come Back at Closing TimeAnother Attempted Water Escape FailsGuy With Axe Embedded in Roof of Car Gets Probation
Assorted Stupidity #118
In this edition: a bad response to bad reviews, a schism in Scouting, problems with permits, prioritizing police reports, and Julian Assange's cat. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #117Assorted Stupidity #116Assorted Stupidity #115
Lawmaker Injured by Flying Constitution
If reading it to the other guy won't help, you could try throwing it. Related StoriesClown Says He Will Seek a Third TermLawmaker Agrees to Stop Administering Noogies to PublicCampaign Funds Used for Rabbit Travel
United States v. 1855.6 Pounds of American Paddlefish Meat
The defendant will be tried along with alleged co-conspirator 982.34 Pounds of American Paddlefish Caviar. Related StoriesCourt: No Tigers in MalibuBison-Taunter ArrestedVirginians! You Now Have an Extra 22 Hours to Kill Raccoons on Sunday
Australian’s 19-Year Squat Is Successful
Still, you should think twice before trying to adversely possess someone else's house. Related StoriesPlay-Doh Smell TrademarkedLandlord Who Banned “Coloured” Tenants Claims It Was About the Curry SmellLawsuit Claims “Farley”-Brand “Fat Bikes” Infringe on Chris Farley
Assorted Election Stupidity
As if it wasn't ridiculous enough to begin with. Related StoriesMan Accused of Nude Swim With Sharks Also Wanted for Assault at Medieval TimesSeriously, Can We Get the Word Out Re: Water Escapes?Two More Attempted Water Escapes Fail
Good Reason to Kill #74: Guy Pissed You Off in Antarctica
The specific reason for the assault is not entirely clear, but it's getting on the list because Antarctica. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #73: Took Your Seat During KaraokeIndian Supreme Court Holds Wink Didn't Violate Blasphemy LawGood Reason to Kill #72: Appeared to Be Cheating at Golf
Canada to Legalize Witchcraft
Technically, it is just decriminalizing the offense of pretending to practice witchcraft, but that would have been a crappy headline. Related StoriesMan Accused of Nude Swim With Sharks Also Wanted for Assault at Medieval TimesUPDATE: Judge Rules Province Has No Duty to Recognize Bigfoot“Crickets.”
“Worst Robbers in Belgium” Agree to Come Back at Closing Time
More to steal that way, you see. Related StoriesAnother Attempted Water Escape FailsGuy With Axe Embedded in Roof of Car Gets ProbationSpaghetti Arsonist in a Bull Onesie? I'm Guessing It's Florida
Now Go Away or I Shall Taunt You a Second Time
A bill that would make it illegal to make fun of another French person's accent. Related StoriesAuthor of “How to Murder Your Husband” Accused of Murdering HusbandIndian Supreme Court Holds Wink Didn't Violate Blasphemy LawCity Ordered Not to Sue Resident for Complaining About Stench
Updates!
Giant rabbits, mysterious enemas, convicted Ponzi schemers, and more, all included in this here update. Related StoriesIn re: Sssotlohiefmjn v. Michigan State PoliceSome UpdatesSome Announcements
Clown Says He Will Seek a Third Term
Nobody thought he would win the first time, either. Related StoriesLawmaker Agrees to Stop Administering Noogies to PublicCampaign Funds Used for Rabbit Travel“Dumbest Insider Trading Crime I've Ever Seen” Was Pretty Dumb
Man Accused of Nude Swim With Sharks Also Wanted for Assault at Medieval Times
It was a busy night. Related StoriesSeriously, Can We Get the Word Out Re: Water Escapes?Two More Attempted Water Escapes FailMan Blames Tiny Clowns for Firearms Offense
Plaintiff Blames Fall on Free Drinks He May or May Not Have Consumed
Under the circumstances, I think he might as well sue gravity. Related StoriesSeriously, Can We Get the Word Out Re: Water Escapes?Good Reason to Kill #70: May Have Stolen Your SocksSpaghetti Arsonist in a Bull Onesie? I'm Guessing It's Florida
Good Reason to Kill #73: Took Your Seat During Karaoke
Best to avoid karaoke altogether, actually. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #72: Appeared to Be Cheating at GolfGood Reason to Kill #71: Argued About Who'd Play Aretha Franklin in the Aretha Franklin MovieShrubbery Nice, Not Too Expensive, But Also Not Probable Cause
Law Says Scotland Can No Longer Put the Shetland Islands in a Box
Just because they're way up north doesn't mean you can discriminate in terms of map placement. Related StoriesVirginians! You Now Have an Extra 22 Hours to Kill Raccoons on Sunday“Pretty Sure Stank Is Patented,” Lawyer Claims—But It's ComplicatedSnake-Mailing Rules Revisited
Assorted Stupidity #117
In this edition: nothing about the United States Supreme Court. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #116Assorted Stupidity #115Assorted Stupidity #114
Seriously, Can We Get the Word Out Re: Water Escapes?
This would save everybody a lot of time. Thanks. Related StoriesTwo More Attempted Water Escapes FailMan Blames Tiny Clowns for Firearms OffenseAuthor of “How to Murder Your Husband” Accused of Murdering Husband
Two More Attempted Water Escapes Fail
Only in the Swedish case I mentioned in August has one been even semi-successful. Related StoriesSeriously, Can We Get the Word Out Re: Water Escapes?Speedboat Escape Is Exception That Proves the RuleMan Blames Tiny Clowns for Firearms Offense
Court: No Tigers in Malibu
This case was decided in February, but that's no reason not to mention it now. Related StoriesLawmaker Agrees to Stop Administering Noogies to PublicBison-Taunter ArrestedVirginians! You Now Have an Extra 22 Hours to Kill Raccoons on Sunday
Man Blames Tiny Clowns for Firearms Offense
It is possible that alcohol also played a role. Related StoriesSeriously, Can We Get the Word Out Re: Water Escapes?Two More Attempted Water Escapes FailAuthor of “How to Murder Your Husband” Accused of Murdering Husband
Rejected Applicant Sues Law Schools for Violating Magna Carta
Among other things. Many other things. Related StoriesShortening the Massachusetts Oath of Office Probably Saved LivesCourt No Longer Recognizes JusticeThe Declaration of Independence
UPDATE: Judge Rules Province Has No Duty to Recognize Bigfoot
British Columbia, at least, is off the hook. Related Stories“Crickets.”Plaintiff: California Must Admit the Truth About BigfootAuthor of “How to Murder Your Husband” Accused of Murdering Husband
Author of “How to Murder Your Husband” Accused of Murdering Husband
The author's book entitled "The Wrong Husband" will also be considered ironic but inadmissible. Related StoriesLawyer Dispute Escalates From Picture of Cat Playing Violin to GunfireMan Blames Tiny Clowns for Firearms OffenseUPDATE: Judge Rules Province Has No Duty to Recognize Bigfoot
“Crickets.”
Judicial shorthand that you may see more often in the future, especially if Judge Kavanaugh is confirmed. Related StoriesUPDATE: Judge Rules Province Has No Duty to Recognize BigfootAuthor of “How to Murder Your Husband” Accused of Murdering HusbandMajority Rejects “Mullet Doctrine” in Fourth Amendment Case
Lawmaker Agrees to Stop Administering Noogies to Public
He also semi-apologized for what he conceded had been a long-standing practice. Related StoriesCampaign Funds Used for Rabbit Travel“Dumbest Insider Trading Crime I've Ever Seen” Was Pretty DumbPrepare to Eat It, Giuliani-Style
Indian Supreme Court Holds Wink Didn’t Violate Blasphemy Law
Strangely, the equally disturbing waggling of eyebrows was not addressed. Related StoriesCity Ordered Not to Sue Resident for Complaining About StenchMr. Trump's DemandsHeroic Legislator Defends Right to Public Swearing
Good Reason to Kill #72: Appeared to Be Cheating at Golf
Mayhem resulted. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #71: Argued About Who'd Play Aretha Franklin in the Aretha Franklin MovieGood Reason to Kill #70: May Have Stolen Your SocksGood Reason to Kill #69: Magic the Gathering
Motion to Continue Because of Moose Attack
Granted. Related StoriesJudge Denies Motion for Continuance Based on EclipseWhy the “Six Ways Buzzfeed” Brief Is Less Than AmazingGood News: The “Motion to Spread Death” Was Denied
Campaign Funds Used for Rabbit Travel
Apparently the rabbit was not actually an employee of the campaign. Related Stories“Dumbest Insider Trading Crime I've Ever Seen” Was Pretty DumbPrepare to Eat It, Giuliani-StyleKansas Bill Would Require Governor to Be an Adult Human
Province’s Lawyers Claim Bigfoot Case “Lacks an Air of Reality”
It's Canada, so they were pretty polite about it. Related StoriesPlaintiffs Allege They Were “Forced” to Buy Cheeseless CheeseburgersTurns Out the “Boy Who Came Back From Heaven” Was in Ohio the Whole TimeHallucinating Romanian Story: “I Am a Deceased Man but Still Live”
Assorted Stupidity #116
In this edition: witness misplaced, grandma tased, chest-bumps delivered, all drug-test boxes checked, and incomprehensible pleadings raged at. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #115Assorted Stupidity #114Assorted Stupidity #113
Good Reason to Kill #71: Argued About Who’d Play Aretha Franklin in the Aretha Franklin Movie
The answer is Jennifer Hudson, but if the guy with a gun says it's Halle Berry, just agree with him. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #70: May Have Stolen Your SocksGood Reason to Kill #69: Magic the GatheringGood Reason to Kill #68a: Disrespected by Yoda Fan
Canadian Rectal Smuggler Catches a Break on Appeal
Things came out slightly better than expected. Related StoriesSpeedboat Escape Is Exception That Proves the RuleWoman Accidentally Steals Car She Thought Was Her RentalLawyer Dispute Escalates From Picture of Cat Playing Violin to Gunfire
“Dumbest Insider Trading Crime I’ve Ever Seen” Was Pretty Dumb
As such crimes go, anyway. Related StoriesPrepare to Eat It, Giuliani-StyleMr. Trump's DemandsPriority: Crocodiles
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