Lowering the Bar

Is this my longest article yet? Possibly. Is it worth it? Also possibly.

One way out of this dilemma: declare New York City to be a "masquerade party" until further notice.

In this edition, "total authority," felony eluding, coronavirus lawsuits, and an unlikely "date night" involving a Native American burial ground. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #131

Seriously? Yes.

I don't think this has improved during the 40 years since this opinion was written. Related StoriesEdgar Allan Poe: Bankruptcy Judge

If you think bankruptcy decisions can't be poetic ... well, I guess it's still debatable. Related Stories“The Agents Involved Speak an Almost Impenetrable Jargon”

In this edition: ship attacked with train, drunken driver's ed, a man tries to enforce a relationship promise in court, an alleged dinosaur attack, and so on. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #132

After request for additional time denied.

It's not a riddle. Well, it kind of is.

"The world is facing a real emergency. Plaintiff is not." Related StoriesKansas Man Seeks Trial by CombatHappy Holidays! (Now Get Out of My Courtroom)Huang v. Hollywood

The situation is dire, but maybe not quite that dire? Related StoriesAnother Year of Lowering the BarAdios MugabeWhy the “Six Ways Buzzfeed” Brief Is Less Than Amazing

Everybody else seems to be sending one. Related StoriesProposed Law Would Prevent Climate Change in MontanaNew Jersey May Declare an Official State MicrobeSnake-Mailing Rules Revisited

"Judge Ellison and I are two completely different people," Edison reminded the parties. Related StoriesA Note From Kevin (Hereinafter, “Me”) to All Attorneys (Hereinafter, “You”)Seventh Circuit: “We Draw the Line at Gibberish”“Everything About This Case Turns Out to Be Stupid,” Says Judge

Alabama has long been suspicious of yoga, though it may not be entirely sure what that is. Related StoriesMan Convicted of Lynching HimselfCalifornia's Roadkill Bill Becomes LawTestimony of Elmo Monster, Sesame Street Muppet

The only surprise here is that he somehow got a license in the first place. Related StoriesLawyer Held in Contempt Is Sentenced to Write SentencesLawyer Who Billed Over 6,600 Hours Per Year “Found in Nicaragua”Racist Pagan Goat-Murdering Lawyer Is in Trouble Again

In this edition: indifferent rabbits, one-star reviews, yet another failed water escape, and a cat fight. Related StoriesAssorted Holiday StupidityAssorted Stupidity #128Assorted Stupidity #127

It could have been much worse. Related StoriesPanel Recommends Disbarment for BlagojevichLawyer Who Billed Over 6,600 Hours Per Year “Found in Nicaragua”Racist Pagan Goat-Murdering Lawyer Is in Trouble Again

As usual, it's a note about something you shouldn't do. Related Stories“Succubustic”: Is It a Word You Should Use to Describe a Judge?Lawyer Whose Pants Caught on Fire Still Feeling the HeatSeventh Circuit: “We Draw the Line at Gibberish”

There are better alternatives in this situation, though. Related StoriesAssorted Criminal StupidityFourth-Level Subcontractor Ruins Murder PlotQuestions to Ask Before Trying to Get a Ton of Drugs Into Australia by Sea

Wasn't there something about this on Schoolhouse Rock? Related StoriesDoes the Constitution Say You Can Shoot Socialists?Bag Marked “Bag Full of Drugs” Allegedly Full of DrugsFirst Alleged Space Crime Is Surprisingly Dull

Ooh, now that's a Fourth Amendment conundrum. Related StoriesDoes the Constitution Say You Can Shoot Socialists?Bag Marked “Bag Full of Drugs” Allegedly Full of DrugsNo Reasonable Expectation of Privacy While Burgling

Or was he? Yes, he was. Related StoriesGritty InvestigatedGritty ExoneratedAnti-Mask Law Saddens Austrian Shark Mascot

Perhaps you can guess why someone was looking for him? Related StoriesLawyer Who Billed Over 6,600 Hours Per Year “Found in Nicaragua”Racist Pagan Goat-Murdering Lawyer Is in Trouble Again“Tell You What, Slick. This Profession Doesn't Need You.”

Let's not rush to judgment, please. Related StoriesGritty ExoneratedAnti-Mask Law Saddens Austrian Shark Mascot

In this edition: Washington's Sasquatch bill, three jailed legislators, one jailed sovereign citizen, and a tantalizing message regarding a 13-year-old story about a man in a chicken suit. Related StoriesUpdates!

He sought it in Iowa, but I don't think it's the law there, either. Related StoriesEmployee Says She Robbed Store to Teach Other Employees a LessonPrisoner Who's Not Dead Anymore Says He's Served His Life SentenceMan Convicted of Lynching Himself

Such as, "are there any pictures of you with this emerald?" Related StoriesKansas Man Seeks Trial by Combat“I Think of Time as a Continuum,” and Other Bad Deposition AnswersHappy Holidays! (Now Get Out of My Courtroom)

In which we will, yet again, discuss the assumption-of-risk doctrine. Related StoriesPlaintiff: I Was Attacked by Wayne Newton's MonkeyCourt Finds Man Not Liable for Strapping Pork Chops to His FeetMan Locked in Burger King Bathroom for an Hour Wants Free Whoppers for Life

But not for doing any of that stuff. Related Stories“Tell You What, Slick. This Profession Doesn't Need You.”Employee Says She Robbed Store to Teach Other Employees a Lesson“Perhaps Some of the Language 'Crossed the Line' of Civility”

Oh, look, it's almost 2020. Hooray? Related StoriesAdios MugabeUpdates!In re: Sssotlohiefmjn v. Michigan State Police

A few reminders that "happy holidays" is an expression of hope, not necessarily a statement of fact. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #128Assorted Stupidity #127Assorted Stupidity #126

Phrases that suggest your hearing is not going especially well. Related Stories“Perhaps Some of the Language 'Crossed the Line' of Civility”Racist Pagan Goat-Murdering Lawyer Is in Trouble AgainTear Gas Fired to Disperse Lawyers

How many lawyers does it take to start a riot? Couple hundred, depending. Related Stories“Tell You What, Slick. This Profession Doesn't Need You.”“Perhaps Some of the Language 'Crossed the Line' of Civility”“Excuseman” Gets Three Years for Stealing From Clients

They might have learned a lesson, but probably not the intended one. Related StoriesUPDATE: Shrout's on the RunExpert on Money Laundering Arrested for … Well, You Can Probably GuessPrisoner Who's Not Dead Anymore Says He's Served His Life Sentence

But you be the judge. If you are over 18, at least. Related Stories“Tell You What, Slick. This Profession Doesn't Need You.”“Excuseman” Gets Three Years for Stealing From ClientsTear Gas Fired to Disperse Lawyers

Among other things. Related StoriesCourt Is Now In Session, The Honorable Captain Kangaroo PresidingAdios MugabeNew Zealand Lawmaker Accused of Making “Barnyard Noise”

The State of Florida has decided not to charge him with arson, at least. Related StoriesIs It Unethical to Throw a Raccoon Overboard?Court: No, It Wasn't “Reasonable” to Lock Grandma Up With Male Inmates“Perhaps Some of the Language 'Crossed the Line' of Civility”

In this edition: Krispy Kreme caves, "the voodoo" gives commands, criminal charges for overdue library books (again), and so forth. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #127Assorted Stupidity #126Assorted Stupidity #125

And you only get one guess. Related StoriesUPDATE: Shrout's on the RunCourt Affirms Conviction for Making “Hand Gesture in the Form of a Gun”Alleged Spanish Hit-Man Contract and Resumé Translated

It says "life." Singular. Related StoriesUPDATE: Shrout's on the Run“Natural Causes” Determination Called Into Question by Stab Wounds, Blood EverywhereKing of Australia Says He's Testing Its Court System

I've seen worse. But this is bad. Related StoriesLawyer Whose Pants Caught on Fire Still Feeling the HeatLawyer Who Insisted He Be Disbarred Probably Will Be“Excuseman” Gets Three Years for Stealing From Clients

So it turned out the grenades, assault rifles, and whatnot weren’t really necessary. Related Stories“Natural Causes” Determination Called Into Question by Stab Wounds, Blood EverywhereSheriff Says Use of Camera to Zoom in on Defense Attorney's Notes Was “Inadvertent”The Montreal Screaming Ticket (or, Everybody Dance Now)

It's almost like some people don't know what the word means. Related StoriesCourt Is Now In Session, The Honorable Captain Kangaroo PresidingMy Fellow Americans, the State of the Union Is StupidRejected Applicant Sues Law Schools for Violating Magna Carta

It joins about half of the states in addressing this important issue. Related StoriesCourt: No Tigers in MalibuPlease Use Caution When Consulting This Map on Kangaroo-Ownership LawsUpdate: The Paddlefish Defendants Are Now for Sale

Rudy Giuliani butt-dialed a reporter (twice), and that's by no means the weirdest thing in this roundup. Related StoriesFourth-Level Subcontractor Ruins Murder PlotQuestions to Ask Before Trying to Get a Ton of Drugs Into Australia by SeaDialogue in a Car on Route 107 in Nassau County, New York

If you want something done right ... actually, don't do this at all. Related StoriesAssorted Criminal StupidityQuestions to Ask Before Trying to Get a Ton of Drugs Into Australia by SeaDialogue in a Car on Route 107 in Nassau County, New York

A real judge, not a TV judge. Related StoriesThere's at Least One Frustrated Game of Thrones Fan on the Ninth CircuitMan Locked in Burger King Bathroom for an Hour Wants Free Whoppers for LifePlaintiff Blames Fall on Free Drinks He May or May Not Have Consumed