Lowering the Bar

It was a busy night. Related StoriesSeriously, Can We Get the Word Out Re: Water Escapes?Two More Attempted Water Escapes FailMan Blames Tiny Clowns for Firearms Offense

Under the circumstances, I think he might as well sue gravity. Related StoriesSeriously, Can We Get the Word Out Re: Water Escapes?Good Reason to Kill #70: May Have Stolen Your SocksSpaghetti Arsonist in a Bull Onesie? I'm Guessing It's Florida

Best to avoid karaoke altogether, actually. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #72: Appeared to Be Cheating at GolfGood Reason to Kill #71: Argued About Who'd Play Aretha Franklin in the Aretha Franklin MovieShrubbery Nice, Not Too Expensive, But Also Not Probable Cause

Just because they're way up north doesn't mean you can discriminate in terms of map placement. Related StoriesVirginians! You Now Have an Extra 22 Hours to Kill Raccoons on Sunday“Pretty Sure Stank Is Patented,” Lawyer Claims—But It's ComplicatedSnake-Mailing Rules Revisited

In this edition: nothing about the United States Supreme Court. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #116Assorted Stupidity #115Assorted Stupidity #114

This would save everybody a lot of time. Thanks. Related StoriesTwo More Attempted Water Escapes FailMan Blames Tiny Clowns for Firearms OffenseAuthor of “How to Murder Your Husband” Accused of Murdering Husband

Only in the Swedish case I mentioned in August has one been even semi-successful. Related StoriesSeriously, Can We Get the Word Out Re: Water Escapes?Speedboat Escape Is Exception That Proves the RuleMan Blames Tiny Clowns for Firearms Offense

This case was decided in February, but that's no reason not to mention it now. Related StoriesLawmaker Agrees to Stop Administering Noogies to PublicBison-Taunter ArrestedVirginians! You Now Have an Extra 22 Hours to Kill Raccoons on Sunday

It is possible that alcohol also played a role. Related StoriesSeriously, Can We Get the Word Out Re: Water Escapes?Two More Attempted Water Escapes FailAuthor of “How to Murder Your Husband” Accused of Murdering Husband

Among other things. Many other things. Related StoriesShortening the Massachusetts Oath of Office Probably Saved LivesCourt No Longer Recognizes JusticeThe Declaration of Independence

British Columbia, at least, is off the hook. Related Stories“Crickets.”Plaintiff: California Must Admit the Truth About BigfootAuthor of “How to Murder Your Husband” Accused of Murdering Husband

The author's book entitled "The Wrong Husband" will also be considered ironic but inadmissible. Related StoriesLawyer Dispute Escalates From Picture of Cat Playing Violin to GunfireMan Blames Tiny Clowns for Firearms OffenseUPDATE: Judge Rules Province Has No Duty to Recognize Bigfoot

Judicial shorthand that you may see more often in the future, especially if Judge Kavanaugh is confirmed. Related StoriesUPDATE: Judge Rules Province Has No Duty to Recognize BigfootAuthor of “How to Murder Your Husband” Accused of Murdering HusbandMajority Rejects “Mullet Doctrine” in Fourth Amendment Case

He also semi-apologized for what he conceded had been a long-standing practice. Related StoriesCampaign Funds Used for Rabbit Travel“Dumbest Insider Trading Crime I've Ever Seen” Was Pretty DumbPrepare to Eat It, Giuliani-Style

Strangely, the equally disturbing waggling of eyebrows was not addressed. Related StoriesCity Ordered Not to Sue Resident for Complaining About StenchMr. Trump's DemandsHeroic Legislator Defends Right to Public Swearing

Mayhem resulted. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #71: Argued About Who'd Play Aretha Franklin in the Aretha Franklin MovieGood Reason to Kill #70: May Have Stolen Your SocksGood Reason to Kill #69: Magic the Gathering

Granted. Related StoriesJudge Denies Motion for Continuance Based on EclipseWhy the “Six Ways Buzzfeed” Brief Is Less Than AmazingGood News: The “Motion to Spread Death” Was Denied

Apparently the rabbit was not actually an employee of the campaign. Related Stories“Dumbest Insider Trading Crime I've Ever Seen” Was Pretty DumbPrepare to Eat It, Giuliani-StyleKansas Bill Would Require Governor to Be an Adult Human

It's Canada, so they were pretty polite about it. Related StoriesPlaintiffs Allege They Were “Forced” to Buy Cheeseless CheeseburgersTurns Out the “Boy Who Came Back From Heaven” Was in Ohio the Whole TimeHallucinating Romanian Story: “I Am a Deceased Man but Still Live”

In this edition: witness misplaced, grandma tased, chest-bumps delivered, all drug-test boxes checked, and incomprehensible pleadings raged at. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #115Assorted Stupidity #114Assorted Stupidity #113

The answer is Jennifer Hudson, but if the guy with a gun says it's Halle Berry, just agree with him. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #70: May Have Stolen Your SocksGood Reason to Kill #69: Magic the GatheringGood Reason to Kill #68a: Disrespected by Yoda Fan

Things came out slightly better than expected. Related StoriesSpeedboat Escape Is Exception That Proves the RuleWoman Accidentally Steals Car She Thought Was Her RentalLawyer Dispute Escalates From Picture of Cat Playing Violin to Gunfire

As such crimes go, anyway. Related StoriesPrepare to Eat It, Giuliani-StyleMr. Trump's DemandsPriority: Crocodiles

Please do not taunt the bison. Related StoriesVirginians! You Now Have an Extra 22 Hours to Kill Raccoons on Sunday“Justice for Simon”: Giant-Rabbit Case Survives Motion to DismissNinth Circuit: Monkeys Have Standing to Sue in Federal Court

Tjuvarna kan ha lämnat Strängnäs Domkyrka på vattenskoter. But I wouldn't try it if I were you. Related StoriesCanadian Rectal Smuggler Catches a Break on AppealWoman Accidentally Steals Car She Thought Was Her RentalLawyer Dispute Escalates From Picture of Cat Playing Violin to Gunfire

It would be the second state in the Union to have its very own. Related StoriesOfficial State Crap: GeorgiaCalifornia Adopts an Official DinosaurSnake-Mailing Rules Revisited

If reading that hurt your head, imagine how the judge felt. Related StoriesYou Know Trial Went Poorly If the Judge Orders You Back to Law SchoolPrepare to Eat It, Giuliani-StyleDo They Teach Proofreading at Yale?

You don't need to call it off at 2 a.m. anymore. Related Stories“Justice for Simon”: Giant-Rabbit Case Survives Motion to DismissNinth Circuit: Monkeys Have Standing to Sue in Federal CourtControl of Virginia House May Be Determined by Selection From Bowler Hat

Drove it around for two weeks with nary a clue. Related StoriesLawyer Dispute Escalates From Picture of Cat Playing Violin to GunfireSuspect's Toilet Strike Ends After 47 Days—SuccessfullyNew Assault Charges for Rogue Canadian Golfer Who Tried to Escape on Ice Floe

In this edition: a Canadian snow-globe fight; mystery pooper identified in New Jersey; Dallas loses its 82nd case in a row against the same litigant; and the Uttarakhand High Court holds that loudspeakers can't be loud. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #114Assorted Stupidity #113Assorted Stupidity #112

Not to be confused with the Rule in Cyrus's Case. Related StoriesSupreme Court: Get a Warrant Before You Invade Somebody's CurtilageShrubbery Nice, Not Too Expensive, But Also Not Probable CauseAbout That Religious Test

And unfortunately this particular breach "is not capable of remedy," as the letter pointed out. Related StoriesTurns Out the “Boy Who Came Back From Heaven” Was in Ohio the Whole Time

Not "lewd" in the sense you may be thinking. "Profane" is probably better. Related StoriesGrumpy Cat Wins $700,000 in Copyright SuitMonkey-Selfie Case SettlesLawyers Sit Motionless in Worst Music Video Ever

He allegedly sought to use his official position to obtain a free miniature Bundt cake, not realizing what a miniature scandal it would become. Related StoriesYou Know Trial Went Poorly If the Judge Orders You Back to Law SchoolCity Ordered Not to Sue Resident for Complaining About StenchFirst Amendment Exceptions That Might Allow Banning the Utah Legislature's Rap Video

Scott Pruitt joins Rod Blagojevich and only a few others in this exclusive category.

Correcting an apparently long-standing error by . . . someone. Related StoriesSome UpdatesSome AnnouncementsZamboni in the Drive-Thru: “Most Canadian Thing Ever”?

Did this case involve a car accident? Of course it involved a car accident. Related StoriesDefendants: “We Never Had a Pet Squirrel”

Turns out the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure are not optional. Related StoriesKansas Bill Would Require Governor to Be an Adult HumanKansas Bill Would Require Governors to Be HumanBarely Corrupt City Manager Doesn't Resign

Well, not that kind of laundering. Probably. Related StoriesHallucinating Romanian Story: “I Am a Deceased Man but Still Live”“Naked American Hero” Loses Challenge to TSA FineLatest Airport-Security Exploit: Walking Through in a Group

In which an Australian "biohacker" beats the rap. Related StoriesFirst Amendment Exceptions That Might Allow Banning the Utah Legislature's Rap VideoTomato Sauce Allegedly Links Suspect to Meatball HeistSF Supervisors Briefly Delay Robot Uprising

The article calls this a "watery elude," which it wasn't. Related StoriesGuy With Axe Embedded in Roof of Car Gets ProbationSpaghetti Arsonist in a Bull Onesie? I'm Guessing It's FloridaFleeing Suspect Apprehended by His Car

In this edition: how to lose a defamation case, updates on that 30-year-old evicted by his parents, one lawyer's unfair pummeling, and a truly low-effort (though surprisingly successful) crime. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #113Assorted Stupidity #112Assorted Stupidity #111

If this complaint had some delicious cheese melted over it, it might have at least some merit. Related StoriesShort-Subway-Sandwich Settlement Stupid, Says Seventh CircuitMan Who Will Never Date Again Sues Date for Cost of Movie TicketJudge Richard Posner: Cat Person

Even if they've got a motorcycle parked in it. Related StoriesAmicus Brief Cites Ferris Bueller to Great EffectShrubbery Nice, Not Too Expensive, But Also Not Probable CauseAbout That Religious Test

And consumers would likely confuse the two, a Texas jury somehow found. Related Stories“Pretty Sure Stank Is Patented,” Lawyer Claims—But It's ComplicatedLawyer Music Video Asks You Not to Call It “Velcro”Prosecutor: “Premature” to Blame Jurors for Stealing Drugs

Several written eviction notices from the parents had no effect. Related StoriesPowerball Problems

It's "sweet" and "slightly musky," among other things. Related StoriesLawsuit Claims “Farley”-Brand “Fat Bikes” Infringe on Chris Farley

Alleging a conspiracy that apparently involved most of Hollywood, plus Monica Lewinsky, Mark Zuckerberg, and the Dalai Lama. Related Stories“Justice for Simon”: Giant-Rabbit Case Survives Motion to Dismiss

This case needs to go to trial for the expert testimony alone. The court owes it to the public. Related StoriesHuang v. HollywoodNinth Circuit: Monkeys Have Standing to Sue in Federal CourtMichigan Set to Legalize Year-Round Frog-Spearing

If there had been another shrubbery, next to the first, only slightly higher so you get a two-layer effect with a little path running down the middle, the case might have come out differently. Related StoriesAbout That Religious TestShortening the Massachusetts Oath of Office Probably Saved LivesNebraska Legislator Proposes Creation of Mini-Nebraska