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Updated 2019-07-22 22:15
Trump Campaign Store Offering Special Disavowed Discount On All ‘Send Her Back’ Merchandise
WASHINGTON—In an effort to distance the President from a racist remark chanted about Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (D-MN) earlier this week, the Trump campaign store reportedly began offering a special disavowed discount Friday on all ‘Send Her Back’ merchandise. “All this week, use the promo code BACK2SOMALIA for low, low…Read more...
Mark Warner Holding Up Long Line Of Senators Waiting For Diving Board At D.C. Reflecting Pool
WASHINGTON—Shivering in his swimsuit as he peered down at the water below, Senator Mark Warner (D-VA) reportedly held up a long line of senators Friday as they waited for the diving board at the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. “C’mon, Mark, just jump in already—you’ll be fine! Plus, it’s super hot out here,” said…Read more...
White Supremacists Warn Idealistic Trump Some Compromise Will Be Necessary To Achieve Their Goals
WASHINGTON—Expressing concerns that the President’s constant attacks on racial minorities could end up hampering the progress that has been made, white supremacist leaders warned Donald Trump Friday that some compromise will be necessary to achieve their goals. “We appreciate that President Trump is an idealist who…Read more...
Trump Disavows Supporters Who Could Barely Keep Racist Chant Going For 10 Seconds
WASHINGTON—Seeking to distance himself from supporters he claimed did not represent his message, President Donald Trump held a press conference Thursday to disavow rally attendees who could barely keep a racist chant of “send her back” going for ten seconds. “I was not happy with how quickly their chant petered out,”…Read more...
Federal Officials Investigating Man Posting Racist Attacks Online Armed With Millions Of Explosives
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Ruth Bader Ginsburg Suspended For Next 10 Rulings Following Supreme Court Bench-Clearing Brawl
WASHINGTON—Describing her conduct as incompatible with the values of the federal judiciary, authorities handed Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg a 10-case suspension Thursday for her role in the Supreme Court’s bench-clearing brawl. “Article III Section 1 of the Constitution states that members of this honorable court…Read more...
House Passes Resolution Overnight Apologizing If Previous Racism Resolution Came Off Too Harsh
WASHINGTON—In an abrupt reversal of the symbolic but sternly written condemnation of the president’s racist remarks he tweeted earlier this week, the House of Representatives passed a resolution overnight Tuesday apologizing if their previous racism resolution came off as too harsh. “The rebuke was unfortunately put…Read more...
82-Year-Old New Jersey Congressman Bill Pascrell Quietly Asks Ilhan Omar If He Can Be Part Of The Squad
WASHINGTON—Sheepishly approaching the representative after a morning hearing on U.S. livestock and poultry economies, 82-year-old New Jersey congressman Bill Pascrell quietly asked Rep. Ilhan Omar Tuesday if he could be part of her squad. “Excuse me, Ms. Omar, but I’ve been paying a good deal of attention to this…Read more...
Trump Claims He Tried To Warn Public About Epstein By Praising Him As A Terrific Guy
WASHINGTON—Noting multiple occasions when he had applauded the disgraced hedge fund manager’s affable personality, President Donald Trump claimed Monday that he tried to warn the public about Jeffrey Epstein’s behavior by praising him as a terrific guy. “From day one, I was clearly trying to send a message to you…Read more...
Remorseful Beto O’Rourke Admits His Family Responsible For My Lai Massacre, Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire
EL PASO, TX—Following on the heels of an announcement that he and his wife were the descendants of slave-owners, Democratic presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke went further Monday by admitting that members of his family were responsible for the My Lai Massacre as well as the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire. “The…Read more...
Trump Supporters Worried Racist Attacks Against Progressive Democrats Just Talk
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‘It’s Not So Bad,’ Mike Pence Reports On Conditions Of Detainment Center While Hazmat Suit Disinfected
MCALLEN, TX—Appearing calm and composed after completing a tour of a migrant detention center, Vice President Mike Pence assured reporters Friday that conditions within the border camp were “not so bad” while workers sprayed down his hazmat suit with disinfectant. “After spending two hours inside this facility, both…Read more...
Mike Pence Assures Detained Children That They Will Have Safe, Sanitary Conditions In Heaven
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Nation Not Sure How Many Ex-Trump Staffers It Can Safely Reabsorb
WASHINGTON—Noting that the resignation of Alexander Acosta as Secretary of Labor marked the ouster of the third top administration official in less than three months, a worried populace told reporters Friday that it was unsure how many former Trump staffers it could safely reabsorb. “Jesus, we can’t just take back…Read more...
Trump Honors Brave Heroes Who Slept With Wives Of Deployed Soldiers
WASHINGTON—In a special White House ceremony Friday celebrating the ‘much-overlooked’ citizens for their contributions, President Trump honored the brave heroes who slept with the wives of deployed soldiers. “Despite the considerable risks these men faced, they did not hesitate to rush into the bedroom and lay down…Read more...
Paul Ryan Lauded For Inspiring Millions Of Young Gutless Fucking Cowards To Take On Leadership Roles
WASHINGTON—Noting the former congressman’s deep, unwavering commitment to shying away from every one of his civic responsibilities, the Heritage Foundation lauded Paul Ryan Thursday for inspiring millions of young gutless fucking cowards to take on leadership roles. “Thank you, Mr. Ryan, for showing countless…Read more...
Outraged Trump Declares He Would’ve Gotten Jeffrey Epstein Way More Lenient Plea Deal
WASHINGTON—As he lambasted the plea bargain that put Jeffrey Epstein behind bars for 13 months while allowing him to leave prison six days a week, a visibly angered President Trump declared Wednesday that if he been in charge, the alleged sex trafficker would have received a far lighter sentence. “This was absolutely…Read more...
John Hickenlooper Sets Ambitious $250 Fundraising Goal For Next Debate Cycle
DENVER—Calling upon donors to take his campaign to new, unprecedented heights, Democratic presidential candidate John Hickenlooper set an ambitious $250 fundraising goal Tuesday for next the debate cycle. “It certainly won’t be easy, but with your help, we can grow from a grassroots campaign with virtually nothing to…Read more...
Swalwell Satisfied With Campaign Sparking Important Conversation About Hopeless Candidates Who Waste Everyone’s Time
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Highlights Of The Democratic Primary Debate Day 2
On Thursday night in Miami, Democratic presidential candidates Michael Bennet, Joe Biden, Pete Buttigieg, Kirsten Gillibrand, Kamala Harris, John Hickenlooper, Bernie Sanders, Eric Swalwell, Marianne Williamson, and Andrew Yang participated in the second of two nights of the party’s initial primary debates. The Onion…Read more...
Naked Andrew Yang Emerges From Time Vortex To Warn Debate Audience About Looming Threat Of Automation
MIAMI—In an unexpected interruption of the night’s scheduled DNC debate programming, a naked and visibly agitated Andrew Yang emerged from the howling chaos of an irising time vortex Thursday to warn the debate audience about the looming threat of automation. “Arm yourselves, citizens, and keep your courage and your…Read more...
Highlights Of The Democratic Primary Debate Day 1
On Wednesday night in Miami, Democratic presidential candidates Cory Booker, Julian Castro, Bill de Blasio, John Delaney, Tulsi Gabbard, Jay Inslee, Amy Klobuchar, Beto O’Rourke, Tim Ryan, and Elizabeth Warren participated in the first of two nights of the party’s initial primary debates. The Onion highlights the most…Read more...
13.5 Million Americans Tune In To Watch Animal Planet’s ‘Puppy Parley’ During DNC Debate Halftime Show
MIAMI—Calling the program an “adorable” and “pooch-tastic” alternative to NBC’s broadcast, 13.5 million Americans reportedly tuned in Wednesday night to watch Animal Planet’s Puppy Parley during the DNC Debate Halftime Show. “Normally I don’t like politics, but when I saw all the cute puppies frolicking at their own…Read more...
Presidential Debate Sidetracked By Booker, De Blasio Arguing About Best Place In Lower Manhattan To Get Tapas
MIAMI—Night one of the first Democratic presidential debate was sidetracked Wednesday by Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ) and New York mayor Bill DeBlasio ignoring the moderator’s questions about student loan debt and arguing about the best place in Lower Manhattan to get tapas. “Excuse me, I’m sorry, senator, but for you…Read more...
Tim Ryan Attempting To Stand Out From Other Candidates On Debate Stage By Wearing Blue Power Ranger Costume
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Lester Holt Begins Debate By Reiterating He Doesn’t Know Who These Fucking People Are
NEW YORK—Pausing briefly to address the issue as he spoke to the candidates, moderator Lester Holt reportedly began Wednesday night’s Democratic presidential debate by reiterating that he doesn’t know who most of these fucking people are. “I’d like to start tonight’s debate by making it clear that I couldn’t even…Read more...
Chuck Todd Extensively Preparing To Accept Whatever Candidates Say At Face Value Without Any Follow-Up Questions
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What To Expect In The First Democratic Debates
The first round of the Democratic Party 2020 primary debates will feature the top 20 presidential candidates over two nights in Miami. The Onion takes a look at what viewers should be watching for in the first Democratic debates.Read more...
5 Things To Know About John Delaney
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Congress Reaches Compromise To Admit District Of Columbia Into Union As Slave State
WASHINGTON—Calling the measure “a solution that satisfies both the Democrats’ desire for representation and the and Republicans’ job-creation strategy,” Congress announced Wednesday they had reached a bipartisan compromise and will admit the District of Columbia into the Union as a slave state. “After listening to…Read more...
‘I Just Want A Substantive, Issues-Oriented Democratic Debate,’ Lie Thousands Of Americans Hungry For Unhinged Trainwreck
WASHINGTON—Claiming to desire a measured, civilized discussion bringing to light the pros and cons of each candidate, thousands of Americans hungry for an unhinged trainwreck lied that they just want “a substantive, issues-oriented Democratic debate,” sources confirmed Tuesday. “I want to hear from each of the…Read more...
Paul Manafort Trying To Ferment Vintage Cheval Blanc In Toilet Tank
NEW YORK—Hoping to replicate the Bordeaux wine’s rich flavor profile, Paul Manafort reportedly attempted to create an approximation of a vintage Château Cheval Blanc Tuesday by using a toilet tank to ferment various liquids he had squirreled away inside his prison cell. “It definitely has that oakiness I’m going for,…Read more...
John Bolton Urges War Against The Sun After Uncovering Evidence It Has Nuclear Capabilities
WASHINGTON—Amid escalating tensions with the hostile celestial object, National Security Adviser John Bolton argued for military action against the Sun Monday after being presented with evidence it has nuclear capabilities. “Newly collected intelligence shows the Sun, day after day, generating extreme levels of…Read more...
5 Things To Know About Tulsi Gabbard
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Bolton Calls For Forceful Iranian Response To Continuing U.S. Aggression
WASHINGTON—Demanding that the Middle Eastern nation retaliate immediately in self-defense against the existential threat posed by America’s military operations, National Security Adviser John Bolton called for a forceful Iranian response Friday to continuing United States aggression. “Iran cannot sit idly by as the…Read more...
5 Things To Know About John Hickenlooper
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Michael Bennet Quietly Asks Aide If Polling At N/A Is Good Or Bad
DENVER—Pulling aside the staffer after a strategy meeting, 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bennet (D-CO) quietly asked one of his aides if polling at N/A is good or bad, campaign sources confirmed Thursday. “Hey, so this might be a dumb question, but could you please tell me what that is?” said Bennet,…Read more...
Chuck Schumer: ‘The American People Deserve A President Who Can More Credibly Justify War With Iran’
WASHINGTON—In a pointed critique of President Trump’s foreign policy leadership, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer stated to members of the press Thursday that “the American people deserve a president who can more credibly justify war with Iran.” “What the American people need is a president who can make a much…Read more...
U.S. Claims Drone Was Minding Own Business On Its Way To Church When Iran Attacked It Out Of Nowhere
WASHINGTON—Maintaining that the unmanned aerial vehicle was simply going about its day without posing a threat to anyone, U.S. Department of State officials claimed Thursday that one of their drones was minding its own business on its way to church when Iran attacked it out of nowhere. “This was an outrageous,…Read more...
Trump Thanks Supporters Who Sacrificed Time, Money, Friends, Family, Morals, Religious Beliefs To Be Here Today
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White House Claims Iran Behind Attack On Nancy Kerrigan
WASHINGTON—Blasting the Middle Eastern nation for the brutal assault on the Olympic figure skater, President Donald Trump claimed Tuesday that Iran was behind the infamous 1994 attack on Nancy Kerrigan. “It is because of the crazed actions of the Ayatollah that a world-class athlete was cut down in her prime,” said…Read more...
White House Hires Top Hollywood Agent To Pitch Action-Packed, High-Concept War With Iran To American Public
LOS ANGELES—As part of their effort to sell an armed conflict that would be far bigger and more dramatic than anything modern audiences have seen, White House officials hired a top Hollywood agent Monday to help them pitch the American public on an action-filled, big-budget war with Iran.Read more...
Huckabee Sanders Tells Colleagues She’s Taking Temporary Post As Google CEO Before Transitioning Into Full-Time Role As Sultan Of Brunei
WASHINGTON—Informing those in her professional life of her career plans, outgoing White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders reportedly told colleagues Friday she would be serving for a time as CEO of Google before gradually taking on a permanent position as the sultan of Brunei. “It’s been the honor of my…Read more...
DNC Committee Throws Bound Jay Inslee Onto Melting Iceberg Before Pushing Him Out To Sea
ANTARCTICA—Cackling as they stuffed a rag into the Democratic governor’s mouth and tied his hands behind his back, the DNC reportedly tossed a bound Jay Inslee onto a melting iceberg Friday and pushed him out to sea. “Well, well, well, if it isn’t my good friend Mr. Inslee! Tell me, sir, as a Democratic candidate—is…Read more...
Kellyanne Conway Decides To Lie Low Until Rule Of Law Dies Down
WASHINGTON—Following a special counsel recommendation that the White House counselor be fired for violating the Hatch Act, Kellyanne Conway reportedly decided Thursday to lay low until the rule of law dies down. “All I gotta do is keep a low profile and power through until the laws governing this country have no…Read more...
Pence Visits Conversion Therapist For Routine Gay-Preventative Checkup
WASHINGTON—Sitting in the waiting area while ignoring the screams he heard emanating from the exam room, Vice President Mike Pence reportedly visited his conversion therapist Thursday for a routine gay-preventative checkup. “I feel completely heterosexual right now, but I still like to visit the doctor every six…Read more...
How To Fix The Supreme Court
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Pros And Cons Of Impeaching President Trump
Calls have grown for House Democrats to move forward with impeachment proceedings against President Trump in the wake of the Mueller report, leading to sharp divisions within the party and the American public. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of impeaching the president.Read more...
De Blasio Courts Iowa Voters By Winning ‘Largest Candidate’ At Polk County Fair
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DNC Criticized For Overly Restrictive Debate Rules Requiring Candidates Have At Least One Policy Position
WASHINGTON—Saying the oppressive rule would keep too many presidential hopefuls off the stage in Miami later this month, voters across the country criticized the Democratic National Committee Tuesday for requiring candidates to articulate at least one policy position before they can participate in debates. “It’s so…Read more...
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