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Updated 2018-09-24 11:15
Congress Wishes They Could Help Puerto Rico But It’s All The Way Over There
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that they really want to help any way they can, members of Congress announced Friday that while they desperately wish they could lend aid and assistance to the U.S. territory of Puerto Rico while it struggles to recover from Hurricane Maria, the fact remains that the island is all the way over…Read more...
GOP Officials Urge Calmer, More Reasonable Death Threats Toward Kavanaugh Accuser
WASHINGTON—Urging a return to civility amid a contentious confirmation fight, GOP officials called Thursday for calmer, more reasonable death threats to be made toward Judge Brett Kavanaugh’s accuser. “We understand there’s a lot of controversy around this, but she still deserves to have people threaten to kill her in…Read more...
Stumbling Drunk Chuck Grassley Warns Kavanaugh Accuser She Can Testify All She Wants But No One’s Going To Believe Her
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How Trump Is Remaking America’s Court System
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Trump Makes Light-Hearted Jokes With Dead Bodies Of Hurricane Victims During Visit To Carolinas
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GOP Officials: Kavanaugh Shouldn’t Be Held Accountable For Something He Did As White Teenager
WASHINGTON—Vehemently defending the Supreme Court nominee against recent allegations of sexual assault, GOP officials declared Wednesday that Brett Kavanaugh shouldn’t be held accountable for something he did as a white teenager. “We’re talking about something that occurred when Mr. Kavanaugh was a mere 17-year-old…Read more...
Ink-Splattered Trump Boys Counter Media Bias By Hand-Printing Own Newspaper In White House Basement
WASHINGTON—While using brightly colored magic markers to write articles in a makeshift bullpen deep beneath the White House, an ink-splattered Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. said Wednesday they had made it their mission to fight bias in the mainstream media by hand-printing their own newspaper.Read more...
Blood-Spattered Sarah Huckabee Sanders Holds Up Huge Dismembered Penis To Prove Presidential Member Completely Normal
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Ted Cruz Attempts To Connect With Voters By Wearing More Handsome Man’s Face As Mask
DALLAS—In an effort to make himself more appealing to voters, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) reportedly tried to connect with the audience at a candidate forum Tuesday by wearing the bloody, skinned face of a far more handsome man as a mask. “People are really responding to this new, dapper Ted Cruz,” said campaign manager Jeff…Read more...
White House Increases Number Of Asylum Seekers Allowed To Enter Spike-Filled Refugee Compactor
WASHINGTON—In a stark reversal of earlier immigration policy, President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that his administration was increasing the number of asylum seekers allowed to enter the United States’ spike-filled refugee compactor. “We feel strongly that 15 million people fleeing abuses in their own countries…Read more...
GOP Releases New Letter Supporting Kavanaugh Signed By Orrin Hatch 500 Times
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White House Raises Official Hurricane Florence Death Toll To -17
WASHINGTON—Proclaiming that the government’s rescue efforts have brought several U.S. citizens into the world, the White House announced Monday that the official Hurricane Florence death toll had been raised to -17. “Thanks to President Trump’s incredible hurricane response team, the population of North and South…Read more...
Kavanaugh Sweating Bullets After Betting Life Savings On Being Confirmed To Supreme Court
WASHINGTON—Following Christine Blasey Ford’s accusation that he sexually assaulted her at a high school party, sources close to Brett M. Kavanaugh told reporters Monday that the nominee was “sweating bullets” due to betting his entire life savings on his confirmation to the Supreme Court. “Oh, shit, it was a sure…Read more...
Senate Republicans Seek To Delay Kavanaugh Vote Until Accuser Properly Smeared
WASHINGTON—In the wake of the release of a letter implicating the Supreme Court nominee in a sexual assault, Senate Republicans told reporters Monday that they would seek to delay a vote on Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation until his accuser, Christine Blasey Ford, was properly smeared. “Given the significance of this…Read more...
Koch Brothers Furious Kavanaugh Never Disclosed That Nation Might Care About Sexual Abuse
WICHITA, KS—Expressing their displeasure that the Supreme Court nominee had failed to warn them about a factor that could harm his candidacy, the Koch brothers were reportedly furious Monday that Brett Kavanaugh never disclosed that the nation might care about sexual abuse. “When we agreed to spend millions of dollars…Read more...
Kavanaugh On Sexual Assault Allegations: ‘I Miss High School’
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Mike Pence Struggling To Reckon With Vision Of Prophet Muhammad Revealing That VP Destined To Become Next President
WASHINGTON—Deeply troubled by the communication received from a divine messenger, Mike Pence was reportedly struggling Friday to reckon with a recent vision of the Prophet Muhammad revealing that the vice president was destined to become the next president of the United States. “He told me that I was the chosen one…Read more...
The Case For And Against Confirming Brett Kavanaugh
Brett Kavanaugh, President Trump’s nominee for the Supreme Court seat vacated by Anthony Kennedy, generated a firestorm of controversy from the moment his nomination was announced and throughout his Senate Judiciary Committee hearings last week. The Onion presents the case for and against confirming Kavanaugh for the…Read more...
Mike Pence Condemns Atheists, Homosexuals, And Feminists For Role In Forcing God To Punish America On 9/11
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Trump Unfairly Claims Credit For Rise In Economic Inequality That Occurred Under Obama’s Watch
WASHINGTON—Explaining that the president was minimizing the contributions of his predecessor while making hyperbolic claims about his administration’s own input, experts reportedly criticized President Trump Tuesday for unfairly claiming credit for the rise in economic inequality that occurred under President Obama’s…Read more...
Trump Boys Leave $5 Bill, Candy Bar Under Propped-Up Laundry Basket In Effort To Catch Op-Ed Writer
WASHINGTON—Promising that the author would spend “100 kajillion years in jail,” Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. told reporters Tuesday that they had left a $5 bill and a Snickers bar under a propped-up laundry basket in order to trap the anonymous writer of the New York Times op-ed piece. “Everyone is super mad about…Read more...
Obama Urges Young Voters To Ignore How Many Lousy Candidates Democratic Party Runs
ANAHEIM, CA—In a fiery speech delivered to students at the Anaheim Convention Center over the weekend, former President Barack Obama reportedly urged young voters to get out there and ignore how many lousy candidates the Democratic Party runs. “We’re experiencing a crisis in our democracy that can only be stopped by…Read more...
Cory Booker Expelled From Senate, Stripped Naked, Forced To Wander Maryland Bog In Woe For All Eternity
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Kavanaugh Surprised Senate Not Questioning Fact He Never Went To Law School
WASHINGTON—Assuming the subject would have at least been raised once during the past three days of confirmation hearings, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh confirmed Thursday that he was surprised not one senator had questioned him about the fact that he never went to law school. “Honestly, I’m kind of shocked…Read more...
Kavanaugh Panicking After Botching Part Of Confirmation Where He Asked If He Rejects Satan
WASHINGTON—Admitting that he regretted his answer as soon as it came out of his mouth, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was reportedly panicking Wednesday after botching the part of his confirmation where he was asked if he rejects Satan. “Shit, I was supposed to say ‘yes,’” said Kavanaugh, who, when asked by the…Read more...
John Kelly Relieved Trump So Fucking Stupid He’ll Believe Woodward Made Up Disparaging Quotes
WASHINGTON—Expressing his gratitude that the president was a big enough dipshit to be this easily placated, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly was reportedly relieved Wednesday that Donald Trump was so fucking stupid that he believed Bob Woodward had fabricated disparaging quotes from staffers in his upcoming book, …Read more...
Kavanaugh Packing Gun At Congressional Hearing In Case Parkland Father Tries To Shake His Hand Again
WASHINGTON—Fearing for his safety after an incident with Fred Guttenberg the previous day, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was reportedly packing a gun at his Senate hearing Wednesday in case the father of a Parkland shooting victim tried to shake his hand again. “If that son-of-a-bitch comes up and threatens to…Read more...
Trump Disapproval Rating Reaches All-Time None Of This Matters
WASHINGTON—Offering an overview of Americans’ opinions of the commander in chief’s job performance, a new poll released Friday indicated that President Trump’s disapproval rating had reached an all-time none of this matters. The report, released by who really cares which of the utterly useless polling firms and…Read more...
Trump Teeters On White House Ledge Weighing Pros And Cons Of Killing Self Right Now To Distract From McCain’s Funeral
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Ron DeSantis Clarifies That ‘Monkey’ Comment Was Intended As Subtle Enough Dog Whistle To Get Away With
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Facing backlash for warning voters not to “monkey this up” and vote for his black political opponent, Andrew Gillum, Republican gubernatorial candidate Ron DeSantis held a press conference Thursday to clarify that his comments were intended as a subtle enough dog whistle to racists that he could…Read more...
Ryan Zinke Calls For Legislation To Slow Down Destruction Of Wildlife So He Can Truly Savor Every Minute Of It
WASHINGTON—Declaring the rapid decrease in the population of several endangered species “problematic,” Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke called for new legislation Thursday designed to slow the destruction of the nation’s wildlife so that he might relish every last minute of its extinction. “We need to preserve…Read more...
Trump Revokes Puerto Rico Recovery Funds After Learning Hurricane Maria Had Fewer Survivors
WASHINGTON—Following the release of official reports that attributed 2,975 deaths to the 2017 storm instead of the previous estimate of 64, President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that he was revoking a significant amount of funding devoted to Puerto Rico after learning that Hurricane Maria had way fewer survivors.…Read more...
Trump: ‘I Remember Flying The Plane That Bombed The USS Arizona During Pearl Harbor’
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Republicans Outraged Over RedTube Censoring Of Conservative Voices
WASHINGTON—Saying the website has mounted a direct assault on free speech, Republicans in Congress told reporters Tuesday they were outraged by reports claiming the pornographic video site RedTube has censored conservative voices on its platform. “Sadly, RedTube displays a consistent left-leaning bias, whether through…Read more...
New Ted Cruz Campaign Ad Features His Kids Begging For Beto O’Rourke To Be Their New Dad
HOUSTON—With scenes in which the two little girls can be seen pleading with outstretched arms, a new Ted Cruz campaign ad released Tuesday features the incumbent U.S. senator’s children begging for challenger Beto O’Rourke to be their new dad. “Mr. O’Rourke, could you be our new daddy—please, please, please, with a…Read more...
White House Flag Now Moving Minute To Minute To Indicate Trump’s Mood
WASHINGTON—Controversy surrounding whether the commander in chief was properly honoring recently deceased Senator John McCain increased Tuesday after reports indicated that the White House flag was now being moved up or down on its staff minute to minute to indicate President Donald Trump’s current mood. “It’s no…Read more...
White House Releases Moving Statement Honoring Woman Who Called Obama An Arab In 2008
WASHINGTON—In a timely tribute to a woman they are calling a fearless American hero, the White House released a statement Monday recognizing and honoring the woman who called then-presidential candidate Barack Obama an Arab during a town hall event in 2008. “It is with great reverence that we celebrate the courage,…Read more...
John McCain Requests Ashes Be Launched Into Iraq
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GOP Leaders Demand Congressman Duncan Hunter’s Resignation After Discovering He Poor
WASHINGTON—In the wake of federal charges brought against the California lawmaker for multiple egregious campaign finance violations, GOP leadership released a statement Friday calling for Congressman Duncan Hunter’s resignation following the revelation that he is, in fact, poor. “Congressman Hunter’s actions simply…Read more...
Meghan McCain Forced To Live Out Socialist Nightmare Of Empathy For Sick Person
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Sessions Argues Justice Department Will Not Be Swayed By Political Considerations Outside Private Prison Lobbyists, Wall Street Donors, Anti-LGBT Christian Activists
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GOP Gasps As Red-Eyed Shadow Counsel Smashes Out Of Gestation Tank
WASHINGTON—Recoiling in horror at the spectacular power of their newly birthed creation, members of the GOP reportedly gasped Thursday as a red-eyed, shadow special counsel smashed out of a gestation tank, with the dark Robert Mueller sputtering, “I will exonerate Trump.” “My God, what have we done?” said California…Read more...
Sen. Hatch Says Trump Allegations Not Serious Enough That Scales Should Fall From Eyes Revealing What Madness We Have Begotten
WASHINGTON—In the wake of Paul Manafort’s conviction and Michael Cohen’s guilty plea, Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) told reporters Thursday that the mounting allegations against President Trump are not yet serious enough to make the scales fall from the eyes of Republicans and allow them to behold the sheer shrieking…Read more...
‘En Passant,’ Whispers Mueller As He Knocks Another Pawn Off Chessboard In Shadowy, Dimly Lit Office
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Trump Boys Frantically Burning Stacks Of Printed-Out Emails To Eliminate Paper Trail
WASHINGTON—After learning that their father’s associates Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen were guilty of crimes and Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation was continuing to expand, Eric and Donald Trump Jr. were reportedly frantically burning stacks of their printed-out emails Wednesday to eliminate their paper…Read more...
GOP Quick To Point Out That Michael Cohen Was Merely RNC’s Deputy Finance Chairman
WASHINGTON—Explaining the position was essentially a minor role, the GOP quickly pointed out Wednesday that Michael Cohen was merely the Republican National Committee’s deputy finance chairman. “Look, at the end of the day, all Michael Cohen did was help oversee the finances for one of the two major American political…Read more...
Mueller Immediately Regrets Coercing Michael Cohen To Flip On Trump After Having To Spend Time With Him
WASHINGTON—Admitting that it was probably the worst mistake he has made since starting the investigation, Special Counsel Robert Mueller told reporters Wednesday that he immediately regretted coercing Michael Cohen to flip on the president after having to spend time with him. “At first, I thought that getting Cohen to…Read more...
Hundreds Of People Exactly Like Manafort, Cohen Enjoy Another Day Without Any Consequences Whatsoever
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Obama Endorses Not Doing Goddamn Thing To Fix Illinois In Midterms
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Melania Trump: ‘My Fat Piece-Of-Shit Husband Who Should Go Kill Himself Needs To Stop Bullying People Online’
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