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Updated 2018-11-20 00:15
Embarrassed Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Can Only Afford American Flag Pin With 19 Stars
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5 Things To Know About Matthew Whitaker
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Melania Releases Statement Calling For Removal Of First Lady From White House
WASHINGTON—Stressing that the situation had become untenable in recent days, aides working for Melania Trump released a statement Wednesday calling for the immediate removal of the first lady from the White House. According to the statement, the first lady “no longer deserves the honor” of serving in the position,…Read more...
Nancy Pelosi Planning To Reenergize House By Injecting Self With Blood Of Young Representatives
WASHINGTON—Expressing her excitement at the influx of newly elected progressives in Congress, Nancy Pelosi told reporters Wednesday of her plans to reenergize the House of Representatives by injecting herself with the blood of her party’s young members. “I’m really looking forward to improving the vitality of our…Read more...
Steve King Vehemently Denies Comparing Immigrants To People
WASHINGTON—Challenging any insinuation that he would ever say anything of the kind, Representative Steve King (R-IA) vehemently denied Tuesday comparing immigrants to people. “I would never, under any circumstances, say something so despicable,” said King, who was recently elected to his ninth congressional term,…Read more...
Hillary Launches Campaign To Raise $100 Million Or Else She’ll Run For President
CHAPPAQUA, NY—In a press conference announcing her plans for the 2020 election, Hillary Clinton told reporters she is launching a campaign Tuesday that will raise $100 million by the end of the year or else she will run for president. “I’m very excited to roll out my initiative to secure this full amount within seven…Read more...
Trump Delivers Touching Tribute To Fallen Heroes Of WWE
WASHINGTON—Praising them in a memorial ceremony for all the sacrifices they had made, President Donald Trump reportedly delivered a touching tribute Tuesday to the fallen heroes of WWE. “Let us never forget how WWE continues to affect all of us, and how these brave men dedicated their lives to wrestling for their…Read more...
Trump Hacks Through Thick Central American Jungle In Search Of Entirely New Ethnic Group To Demonize
TALAMANCAN MONTANE FORESTS, COSTA RICA—Venturing deep into rainforest no outsider has dared explore, President Trump slashed through the thick vines of a Central American jungle Monday in search of a previously unknown ethnic group to vilify. “Legend has it that this land is home to a lost race of people living in…Read more...
Georgia GOP Demands Stacey Abrams Step Down As Candidate To Avoid Conflict Of Interest
ATLANTA—As votes continued to be counted to determine the outcome of the controversial Georgia governor’s race, the state’s GOP officials reportedly demanded on Friday that Stacey Abrams step down as the Democratic candidate to avoid a conflict of interest. “It’s clear that the integrity of this important election…Read more...
Michelle Obama Admits Barack Had Way Too Much Sperm To Make Natural Conception Possible
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Mueller Annoyed By Dipshit Protestors Holding Up Traffic During Commute
WASHINGTON—Laying on his horn while stuck in bumper-to-bumper gridlock, an annoyed special counsel Robert Mueller reportedly screamed at “dipshit protestors” from his car Thursday as a MoveOn rally held up traffic during his nightly commute. “Get a move on, assholes! Some of us have actual paying jobs and want to get…Read more...
Chris Collins Thanks Supporters With Can't-Miss Tip On Biotech Stock
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Anguished, Screaming Trump Bans Father’s Ghost From Press Room For Silently Pointing At Him
WASHINGTON—Forcefully closing his eyes, grasping his head with both hands, and repeatedly screaming to be left alone, a visibly anguished President Donald Trump was observed Thursday banning the ghost of his late father, Fred Trump, from the press room for silently pointing at him. “You will not stare and raise your…Read more...
Mueller Wondering Why There All This Drama Over Trump’s Unpaid Parking Violations
WASHINGTON—Expressing confusion as to why everyone was getting so worked up, special counsel Robert Mueller was reportedly wondering Thursday why there was all this drama over Donald Trump’s unpaid parking violations. “I mean, sure, he got some parking tickets, and he really should pay the fines, but it feels like…Read more...
Sarah Huckabee Sanders Denies Doctoring Footage Showing Jim Acosta In Clown Makeup Blowing Up Gotham Hospital
WASHINGTON—Responding to criticism that she had engaged in misleading behavior, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders issued a flat denial Thursday that she had shared doctored footage portraying CNN reporter Jim Acosta in clown makeup blowing up Gotham Hospital. “President Trump expects and even demands…Read more...
Sessions: ‘I Am Proud To Have Served White America’
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Beto Voter Struggling To Refocus Her Sexual Fantasies On Ted Cruz
AUSTIN, TX—Admitting that her attempts to fantasize about the victorious Senate candidate “just haven’t been the same,” noticeably flustered Beto O’Rourke voter Carissa Halpern told reporters Wednesday she was having difficulty refocusing her sexual yearnings onto Ted Cruz. “I was really hoping Beto would be my…Read more...
Key Takeaways From The 2018 Midterms
The 2018 midterm elections resulted in the Republicans holding onto the Senate, the Democrats taking the House, a number of governor’s houses switching parties, and the passage of many progressive state ballot measures. The Onion takes a look at the key takeaways from the 2018 midterms.Read more...
Trump Unveils Reelection Campaign Plan To Drive Bus Into Crowds Across Country
WASHINGTON—In an effort to appeal to his base and build enthusiasm for his reelection bid, President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that his 2020 campaign included plans to drive a specially decorated tour bus into crowds across the country. “I’ll have these amazing crowds, the biggest, most beautiful crowds you’ve…Read more...
Kushner Assures Worried Ivanka They’d Definitely Be Last Jews To Go
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Bored J.B. Pritzker Brainstorming New Hobbies To Blow Money On After Winning Election
CHICAGO—Growing restless and wandering away from the party celebrating his victory Tuesday night, a bored J.B. Pritzker was reportedly brainstorming new hobbies to blow his money on after winning the Illinois gubernatorial election. “Shelling out $171 million of my own money to get elected governor was fun and all,…Read more...
More Elderly Americans Keeping Active By Maintaining Control Of Senate
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Georgia Election Worker Assures Black Man Ballot Scanner Supposed To Sound Like Shredder
LAWRENCEVILLE, GA—Insisting that the machine was operating exactly as intended, Georgia election worker Mitchell Hamlin reportedly assured a black man on Tuesday that the ballot scanner was supposed to sound like a shredder. “Don’t you worry, it’s designed to sound like it’s ripping your ballot into thousands of tiny…Read more...
Man Confused By Obscure Down-Ballot Measure About Deciding Who His Senator Should Be
FORT WAYNE, IN—Growing increasingly frustrated as he attempted to cast his vote in the midterm elections despite a severe lack of clarity and transparency, citizen Geoff Barnes admitted Tuesday that he was deeply confused by an obscure down-ballot measure to determine the senator for his district. “I don’t even know…Read more...
Pros And Cons Of Compulsory Voting
Only about 40 percent of eligible Americans vote in a typical midterm election and around 60 percent in a presidential election, leading some to suggest the U.S. follow other countries’ lead and make voting compulsory, while critics warn it could have negative consequences. The Onion evaluates the pros and cons of…Read more...
North Carolina Voter In Heavily Gerrymandered District Somehow Voting For Montana Senate, Mayor Of Phoenix
GREENSBORO, NC—Admitting that it was difficult to keep up with all the different races, North Carolina voter Darin McDonough told reporters Tuesday that he was somehow voting for the Montana Senate and the mayor of Phoenix, AZ in his heavily gerrymandered district. “Man, there is a lot of confusing stuff on here. I’m…Read more...
Libertarian Candidate Worried After Latest Poll Shows Him 98 Points Behind
HILLIARD, IA—Beginning to worry about his chances as he followed live Election Day media coverage, Libertarian Party House of Representatives candidate Maxwell Booth was reportedly concerned Tuesday after the latest polls showed him 98 points behind his competitors. “We knew it would be a tough race, but I have to…Read more...
Nevada Secretary Of State Unveils New ‘I Voted’ Pasties
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Trump Boys Proud After Mailing In Hand-Drawn Republican Ballots To North Pole
WASHINGTON—Stressing the importance of participating in the democratic process as envisioned by our nation’s founders George Washington and Santa Claus, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were reportedly proud Tuesday after mailing in hand-drawn Republican midterms ballots to the North Pole. “We couldn’t make it to the…Read more...
Man Wishes There Were Some Kind Of Pre-Midterm Race Where Voters Could Select Better Candidates
WARMINSTER, PA—Claiming he simply didn’t connect with any of the people running for office this year, voter Carson Smith voiced his desire Tuesday for some kind of pre-midterm election race where voters could choose from better candidates. “I would have loved a chance, say, four or five months before the midterms, to…Read more...
Polling Place In Predominantly Black Neighborhood Clearly Brick Wall With Door Painted On
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Nation Begs For Midterms To Be Pushed Back To Delay Start Of 2020 Presidential Campaigns
WASHINGTON—Saying they just wanted a short breather before having to dive right back into national politics, Americans begged Monday for the midterm elections to be pushed back to delay start of the 2020 presidential bids. “Please, the later you can schedule the general elections, the more time we’ll have until we…Read more...
New Trump Campaign Ad Claims That Illegal Immigrants Currently Murdering You With Knife
WASHINGTON—Drawing the ire of critics who decried the spot as “misleading” and “racially charged,” a new campaign ad released Friday by President Trump claimed that illegal immigrants are currently murdering you with a knife. “Thousands of homicidal MS-13 members have already poured over the Southern border and are at…Read more...
White House Concerned Ryan Zinke Made Land Deal Without Giving Cut To Trump
WASHINGTON—Confirming the administration had launched a Justice Department investigation into the U.S. secretary of the interior’s conduct, the White House revealed Friday that it was concerned Ryan Zinke had made a land deal without giving a cut to President Trump. “Mounting evidence indicates that Secretary Zinke…Read more...
Midterms 2018: Key Senate Races To Watch
There are 35 Senate seats up for reelection in the 2018 midterms, most of which are currently held by Democrats, while the Republicans are trying to hold onto their two-seat majority. The Onion takes a look at the key Senate 2018 races to watch.Read more...
How To Increase Voter Turnout
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Brian Kemp Campaign Energized After Seeing Early Voter Suppression Numbers
ATHENS, GA—Saying that the data heralded a promising outcome for election day, representatives from Brian Kemp’s gubernatorial campaign were reportedly energized Thursday after perusing early voter suppression numbers. “It’s very exciting to see that with five days to go before the election, thousands of Georgians…Read more...
5 Things To Know About Steve King
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Poll Finds 2018 Midterms Resting On Critical Swing Group Of People Who Showed Up Looking For Community Center Pottery Class
WEST LONG BRANCH, NJ—Noting that the notoriously hard-to-predict voting bloc will be critical to success on election day, a Monmouth University poll released Thursday found that the 2018 midterms will likely be decided by Americans who arrive at the community center looking for a pottery class. “Data from past…Read more...
Political Scientists Trace American Democracy’s Severe Polarization To Fucking Idiots On Other Side Of Aisle
DURHAM, NH—Blaming those with a differing worldview for sowing rampant discord in society, political scientists at the University of New Hampshire announced Wednesday they had traced the current polarization in American democracy to those fucking idiots on the other side of the aisle. “The analysis we conducted…Read more...
Midterms 2018: Key House Races To Watch
Many of the 435 U.S. House of Representatives midterm races are currently polling as toss-ups, with Democrats needing to win at least 24 extra seats to take back the House. The Onion takes a look at the key House races to watch in the midterms.Read more...
Trump Turns On Fox News And Tells Aides To Make Whatever They’re Saying A Law
WASHINGTON—Demanding aides write down every single word from the morning’s Fox & Friends broadcast, President Trump turned on Fox News Tuesday and directed his staff to take everything its anchors were saying and make it into a law, White House sources confirmed. “Whatever they’re talking about right now, just draft…Read more...
Trump Claims He Can Overrule Constitution With Executive Order Because Of Little-Known ‘No One Will Stop Me’ Loophole
WASHINGTON—Saying his latest executive order was legal due to an “underutilized but totally feasible workaround,” President Trump claimed Tuesday that he could overrule the U.S. Constitution by means of the relatively obscure “no one will stop me” loophole. “My critics say a constitutional amendment or at least an act…Read more...
Voter Just Needs To Know Which Candidate Chops Wood In A Flannel Shirt
GOODRICH, MI—In an effort to make an informed decision for the upcoming midterm elections, local voter Tom Richardson told reporters Tuesday that he just needs to know which candidate chops wood in a flannel shirt. “You really have to dig through all the generic talking points and policy positions in order to find out…Read more...
Biggest Issues In The 2018 Midterms
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Trump Slams Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy For Not Doing More To Prevent Synagogue Shooting
WASHINGTON—In the aftermath of a shooting at a Pittsburgh synagogue that left 11 people dead, President Donald Trump reportedly slammed the worldwide Jewish conspiracy Monday for not doing more to prevent the violent attack. “I condemn in the strongest possible terms the shadowy global cabal of Jewish people who,…Read more...
Trump Boys Smash Father’s Cell Phone To Search For Chinese Spies
WASHINGTON—Eric and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly smashed their father’s cell phone Friday to search for Chinese spies, shouting demands that the tiny operatives come out of the receiver with their hands up. “When we heard all these little Chinese guys snuck into our dad’s phone and started listening to all the things…Read more...
Midterms Predicted To Have Largest Voter In Decades
CLIFTON, NJ—Citing the nationwide surge in growth of the average American registered to cast a ballot over the past several years, political researchers working for SurveyUSA predicted this week that the 2018 midterm elections will likely feature the largest voter in decades. “If growth trends continue, we can expect…Read more...
Man Just Knows Hillary Clinton Going To Have Opinion On Not Dying In Explosion
SPRINGFIELD, IL—Saying he wished the former presidential candidate would “shut up and go away for once,” area man Justin Irsay told reporters Wednesday that he “just knows Hillary Clinton is going to have an opinion” on not dying in a pipe-bomb explosion. “Oh God, she’s going to be out there spouting some comments and…Read more...
Chuck Schumer Relieved He’s Never Taken Stance Meaningful Enough To Have Someone Mail Him Explosive
WASHINGTON—Following reports that incendiary devices had been sent to Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and George Soros, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer expressed relief Wednesday that he has never taken a stance meaningful enough to inspire someone to mail him an explosive. “Phew, this is where constantly…Read more...
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