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Updated 2019-02-24 01:15
Mueller Admits A Smarter President Would’ve Totally Found Way To Stop Investigation By Now
WASHINGTON—In response to President Donald Trump’s continued attacks against the legitimacy of his probe into 2016 election interference, Special Counsel Robert Mueller admitted Thursday that a smarter president would have totally found a way to stop the investigation by now. “Listen, my investigation has been going…Read more...
‘We Will Not Repeat The Mistakes Of The 2016 Election,’ Vows Nation Still Using Internet
WASHINGTON—Promising that they had learned their lesson and would not fall into the same traps they did in the last presidential election cycle, the U.S. populace vowed Wednesday not to repeat the errors of 2016, while, at the same time, nearly every American voter continued to use the internet. “We’re not going to…Read more...
Trump Agrees To Wear Wire To Take Down Roger Stone
WASHINGTON—Vowing to do whatever he could to help Special Counsel Robert Mueller investigate the campaign consultant’s role in 2016 election interference, President Trump reportedly agreed Wednesday to wear a wire to take down Roger Stone. “I’ve known Roger for years, but it’s time to put my country first and do…Read more...
Trump Confirms All Violent Options On The Table In Venezuela
WASHINGTON—In an effort to remain as objective as possible when considering ways of addressing the ongoing crisis, President Trump told reporters Tuesday that he was leaving all violent options on the table in Venezuela. “If America’s interests are threatened anywhere in the world, the U.S. retains the right to use…Read more...
Trump Offers Clear, Historical Precedent For Deploying U.S. Military With No Provocation
WASHINGTON—Providing a lengthy, comprehensive explanation of the factors influencing his decision to declare a national emergency that would send military funding and personnel to the nation’s southern border, President Donald Trump offered a clear, historical precedent Friday for deploying the U.S. military with no…Read more...
Trump Base Celebrates President For Standing Up To Constitution
WASHINGTON—Enthusiastically praising the commander-in-chief for holding firm in the face of opposition, Donald Trump’s political base cheered on the president Friday for standing up to the U.S. Constitution. “He stayed strong and really showed the Constitution who’s boss,” said 48-year-old Trump supporter Ross…Read more...
Ann Coulter Attacks Trump For Cowardly Backing Down From Full On Race War
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Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Criticized For Preventing 25,000 New York Evictions
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Elliott Abrams Defends War Crimes As Happening Back In The ’80s When Everyone Was Doing It
WASHINGTON—Explaining to the House Foreign Affairs Committee that it was a totally acceptable practice at the time, Elliott Abrams defended Wednesday the war crimes he committed in Latin America by pointing out that it was just something everyone was doing back in the ’80s. “You’ve got to understand that running…Read more...
Trump Invites Supporter, BBC Cameraman To Finish Altercation At White House
WASHINGTON—Hoping to create a teachable moment after one of his supporters attacked a BBC cameraman at a rally in El Paso, TX, President Trump announced Tuesday he had invited the two men to join him at the White House so they could finish their altercation. “It’s time for these guys to acknowledge their differences…Read more...
Congress Agrees To $1.3 Billion For Protective Border Fencers
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Nation Horrified To Discover Cory Booker Already A Senator
WASHINGTON—Admitting they had just assumed the candidate was some kind of quirky billionaire or one of those CEOs who runs for president just to raise his profile, all 325 million Americans expressed horror Tuesday upon learning Cory Booker was a sitting U.S. senator. “He’s an elected official? In the United States …Read more...
5 Things To Know About Amy Klobuchar
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Parasitic Space Worm Controlling Mark Kelly’s Body Announces Arizona Senate Bid
TUCSON, AZ—As it spoke through the astronaut’s mouth, vowing to bring a new perspective to Washington, sources confirmed Tuesday that the parasitic space worm controlling Mark Kelly’s body had announced its bid for the United States Senate. “I am pleased to announce that, yes, I am running for your Congress, where I…Read more...
Angry, Ranting Twitter User Really Needs To Move Out Of Parents’ Basement
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Ilhan Omar Thankful For Colleagues Educating Her On Painful History AIPAC Lobbyists Have Had To Endure
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Amy Klobuchar Pledges To Fight Everyday Americans
MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Vowing to relentlessly battle and never back down, Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) pledged this week in her campaign kickoff that she would never stop fighting everyday Americans. “I will stand up to the common man—with my fists,” said Klobuchar, asserting that she would take on all Americans—rich, poor,…Read more...
Mueller Annoyed By Chipper, Overeager Adam Schiff Constantly Sending Him Evidence He’s Already Uncovered
WASHINGTON—Expressing frustration at the obnoxious, nonstop attempts to aid his investigation, special counsel Robert Mueller was reportedly annoyed Friday that a chipper, overeager Representative Adam Schiff (D-CA) keeps constantly sending him evidence he’s already uncovered. “Christ, he just emailed me a Washington…Read more...
Nancy Pelosi Signals Support For Environmental Causes By Placing Green New Deal Directly Into Recycling Bin
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Ralph Northam Admits He Once Engaged In Pedophilia As Part Of Michael Jackson Costume
RICHMOND, VA—Apologizing profusely for his youthful indiscretions, embattled Virginia governor Ralph Northam admitted Wednesday that he once engaged in pedophilia as part of a Michael Jackson costume. “I think it’s important to put my actions into context—I was a huge Michael Jackson fan at the time and winning that…Read more...
Report: West Virginia Feeling Pretty Smug Right About Now
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5 Things To Know About Cory Booker
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Winded Trump Forced To Lie Down For Last Half Of Speech
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Cold Panic Grips Stacey Abrams As Trump Begins Delivering Speech Almost Identical To One She Wrote
WASHINGTON—Breaking into an anxious sweat while listening to the State of the Union address, Stacy Abrams reportedly suffered a panic attack Tuesday as she began to realize that President Trump was delivering a speech nearly identical to the one she already wrote. “Dammit, it’s not word for word, but all the same…Read more...
Kavanaugh Offers Elena Kagan Pull Of Vodka From Aquafina Bottle
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‘Someone In This Room Tonight Will Be Murdered By An Illegal Immigrant,’ Announces Trump Just Before Lights Go Out
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Guests’ Chairs Tilt, Spray Water At Them During First-Ever 4D State Of The Union Address
WASHINGTON—As delighted shrieks and gasps echoed through the Capitol building, hundreds of vibrating chairs reportedly tilted and sprayed water Tuesday at a lively joint session of Congress during the nation’s first 4D State of the Union address. “So cool. The seats got bumpy and violently shook when Trump talked…Read more...
Trump Claims Greatest Threat Facing Nation Toys Coming To Life While Owner Not In Room
WASHINGTON—In a State of the Union address largely devoted to what he described as “our gravest national security threat,” President Trump used his speech Tuesday night to warn the American people of the severe danger posed by toys coming to life when their owner leaves the room. “Folks, as soon as you close the door,…Read more...
Guilt-Ridden Stacey Abrams Wondering When She Should Tell Democrats That She Lost Her Election
WASHINGTON—Expressing a mixture of shame and confusion over her recent selection by Democrats to deliver their party’s official State of the Union response, Stacey Abrams wondered Tuesday exactly when she should confess to party leaders that she had lost her election. “I just got so wrapped up in the excitement over…Read more...
History Of Independent Presidential Candidates
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Cory Booker Apologizes To Wall Street Bankers For The Mean Things He’s Going To Have To Say About Them
WASHINGTON—Sighing with resignation as he spoke to those surrounding him, Democratic presidential candidate Cory Booker reportedly apologized to a coterie of Wall Street bankers Friday for all the mean things he is going to have to say about them in the upcoming months. “Things are liable to get a little ugly out…Read more...
Democratic Presidential Candidates Endorse New ‘Medicare For All’-Branded Cigna Insurance Plan For Only $400 Per Month
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Jimmy Carter Concerned Desire For Fresh Faces In Democratic Party May Hurt His Chances In 2020
PLAINS, GA—Admitting that current polling numbers caused him to rethink plans for the upcoming presidential election, 39th president Jimmy Carter told reporters Wednesday that he was concerned that the desire for fresh faces in the Democratic Party might hurt his chances in 2020. “I’ve definitely been considering a…Read more...
5 Things To Know About Howard Schultz
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Dick Cheney Finally Hunts Down, Kills Man He Shot In Face In 2006
MCLEAN, VA—Nearly 13 years after shooting the prominent Texas attorney and political donor in the face, former Vice President Dick Cheney told reporters Tuesday he had finally hunted down Harry Whittington and killed him in cold blood. “Not a day’s gone by that I haven’t regretted my failure to take out that…Read more...
Report: Mueller Investigation Nearly Done With First Day Of Trump Campaign
WASHINGTON—Confirming that the special counsel’s probe into potential Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election had made significant progress, sources in the Justice Department revealed to reporters Tuesday that Robert Mueller’s investigation was nearly done with the first day of the Trump campaign.…Read more...
‘Follow Your Instructions, This Is All Part Of The Plan,’ Hisses Richard Nixon Tattoo Protruding From Roger Stone’s Back
WASHINGTON—Imploring its host to stay strong despite his recent arrest, the tattooed visage of Richard Nixon on Roger Stone’s back reportedly hissed “follow the instructions, this is all part of the greater plan” after the former Trump advisor appeared in federal court Tuesday morning. “Faithful Roger, obedient Roger,…Read more...
Howard Schultz Considering Independent Presidential Run After Finding No Initial Support Among Any Voter Groups
SEATTLE—Expressing concerns that Democratic and Republican parties no longer represented people like him, former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz revealed Monday that he was considering an independent presidential run after finding no initial support among any American voter groups. “The complete lack of support for my…Read more...
Trump Admits He Assumed Roger Stone Was Already In Prison
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Judge Restricts Roger Stone’s Travel Between Fox News, InfoWars Studios While Released On Bond
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Jared Kushner Assures Reporters He Never Revealed State Secrets Without Turning Huge Profit
WASHINGTON—Seeking to clear his name following reports that the Trump administration had overruled intelligence officials to grant him top secret security clearance, Jared Kushner held a press conference Friday to assure reporters he had never revealed government secrets to foreign powers without turning an enormous…Read more...
Report: White House Overruled Intelligence Officials For Rejecting Saudi Prince’s Top Secret Security Clearance
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Emaciated Peter Alexander Burns Podium For Warmth After Being Locked In Abandoned Press Briefing Room Since December
WASHINGTON—Clutching his tattered suit jacket closer to him as he trembled with cold and hunger, an emaciated Peter Alexander was reportedly forced to burn a podium for warmth Thursday after having been locked in the abandoned White House Press Briefing Room since Dec. 18. “Christ, it’s so cold,” said the NBC News…Read more...
5 Things To Know About Kamala Harris
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Trump Covered In Own Shit After Furloughed White House Staff Fail To Bathe President
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Giuliani: ‘Let’s Just Start Everything Over’
WASHINGTON—In an effort to walk back contradictory and potentially incriminating remarks from a recent interview, Rudy Giuliani, personal attorney to President Donald Trump, requested Tuesday that the press “just forget everything and let’s start everything over.” “Let’s just call everything before this moment a…Read more...
Giuliani Clarifies He Doesn’t Want Gravestone To Say ‘He Married His Cousin’ Either
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Kamala Harris Assembles Campaign Staff Of Unpaid California Prison Laborers
WASHINGTON—On the heels of yesterday’s announcement that she would be running for president, Sen. Kamala Harris (D-CA) reportedly began staffing her campaign Tuesday with unpaid inmates from California correctional facilities. “I’m so grateful to have such an incredible and devoted team headed up by my new campaign…Read more...
Chuck Grassley Voted Against MLK Day Due To Foreseeing How Everyone Would Dishonor King’s Memory
WASHINGTON—Saying he reached the decision in order to protect everything the civil rights icon represented, Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) confirmed Tuesday that his 1983 vote against making Martin Luther King Jr. Day a national holiday was cast after anticipating that the country would sanitize and dishonor the leader’s…Read more...
5 Things To Know AboutJulián Castro
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