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on (#6M99K)
BENTONVILLE, AR-Adapting the retail outlet's previously simple sign-up questionnaires to the modern world, Walmart announced Monday that its baby registry would now include a checkbox for denoting whether or not the pregnancy was forced. We heard from many Walmart customers that it would be convenient to have a...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-04-25 00:45 |
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on (#6M6QF)
Alex Garland's newest dystopian film, which takes place in the not-so-distant future, follows a team of military-embedded journalists as they travel across the country during America's second Civil War. The Onion asked conservatives how they felt about the film, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6M6NC)
DEIR AL-BALAH, GAZA-Following accounts of continued civilian massacres in the Gaza Strip, disturbing reports emerged this week of the Israel Defense Forces allegedly using armored vehicles to play clips of Amy Schumer's stand-up comedy in order to drive Palestinians from their homes. The IDF is currently using a...Read more...
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on (#6M6ND)
PHILADELPHIA-Her footsteps echoing in the night as she wandered down the unlit side street, local woman Caitlin Morgan was reportedly lured into a dark alley Friday by a sign reading Free self-defense class for women." Free self-defense class this way? Don't mind if I do," said Morgan, who delightedly followed the...Read more...
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on (#6M689)
During an audit, Arkansas lawmakers questioned Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders' (R) staff about the purchase of a $19,000 lectern, a charge which include a $2,500 consulting fee" and a $2,200 road case. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6M3SW)
As a general rule, if your TikTok feed begins pushing you unregulated medical products, you should probably keep them as far away from your genitals as possible. The Onion asked doctors to explain why you should never use vulva balms,' and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6M2Z3)
MINNEAPOLIS-Updating its packaging to include new USDA-mandated guidelines for safe yogurt preparation, Yoplait began warning Tuesday that its products must reach a minimum internal temperature of 165 degrees Fahrenheit prior to consumption. Contents must be heated to 165F/74C or higher to destroy the bacteria...Read more...
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on (#6M1KP)
LOS ANGELES-Confessing that they couldn't stand the thought of bursting their teammate's perfect little bubble, sources confirmed Friday that nobody in the Dodgers organization had the heart to tell Shohei Ohtani what was going on with his interpreter. Currently, Shohei has zero clue about the controversy surrounding...Read more...
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on (#6KZTX)
YOUR DATA- OR WIFI-ENABLED DEVICE-Feeling crushed under the oppressive demands to click and click and click on TheOnion.com, the nation was informed by experts from The Onion's Click Drive Wednesday that this could all be made to stop for just 25 clicks. For a mere 25 clicks on The Onion's website, you could end all...Read more...
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on (#6KXKX)
KERRVILLE, TX-Exasperated with the view from the place they were standing to observe the astronomical event, local spectators complained Monday that really tall guy Matt Everett was blocking everyone's view of the total solar eclipse. Goddammit, this thing only lasts a few minutes-can't he at least sit down?" said...Read more...
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on (#6KXKV)
Rejoice, sky-gazers, for you are about to behold one of the universe's most amazing astronomical events. Watch now for a live view of the total solar eclipse.Read more...
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on (#6KW8S)
On the night of Easter Sunday, burglars entered the vault of a facility in San Fernando Valley where cash for businesses across the region is stored, bypassing the alarms and making off with an estimated $30 million in cash. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KVYK)
The MTA has demanded $750,000 a year from the organization that runs the New York City Marathon to make up for lost toll revenue from the Verrazzano-Narrows Bridge, which is closed for runners on the day of the race. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KVXW)
WASHINGTON-Shedding new light on the nation's astonishing athletic abilities, the Pew Research Center released a new study Friday finding that the majority of Americans could jump the parking meter if their bum knees weren't acting up. According to our research, an astonishing 76% of Americans could clear that meter...Read more...
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on (#6KVXY)
GLENCOE, IL-Noting that she must be some kind of genius to get such amazing results, students told reporters Friday that their pregnant sex ed teacher must really know her stuff. I'm not saying our other sex ed teachers weren't good, but Mrs. Collins is clearly in a league of her own to be six months pregnant," said...Read more...
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on (#6KVWC)
COLUMBIA, MO-A darkness falling upon the corridor as they sat on the couch enjoying a movie, residents of a local three-bedroom apartment reportedly cowered in terror Friday as a roommate's hookup lumbered toward the bathroom. According to sources, a monstrous groan was heard from behind a closed bedroom door,...Read more...
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on (#6KVWD)
NEW YORK-Calling it an unprecedented window" into one of the world's most creative minds, Sotheby's announced Friday that it was auctioning off the napkin on which Jeffrey Epstein first jotted down the idea for pedophilia. In 1985, Jeffrey Epstein was sitting at a bar in Palm Beach and, in a stroke of pure genius,...Read more...
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on (#6KVF7)
WASHINGTON-Responding to fallout from the Israeli military's killing of seven World Central Kitchen aid workers in Gaza, President Biden made an address Thursday asserting that Israel had an obligation not to harm his reelection chances. Let me be clear: Israel is bound by international law not to engage in any...Read more...
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on (#6KVC6)
NEW YORK-Shaking violently under the barrage of an afternoon downpour, a $5 umbrella purchased at 49th Deli Grocery confirmed Thursday that it was doing the best it could, all right? Look, I'm sorry-I wish I were made out of more durable material, too, but I'm trying here, okay?" said the visibly rattled umbrella,...Read more...
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on (#6KV8A)
AT&T confirmed hackers had posted data from 73 million current and former customers to the dark web, making public names, addresses, phone numbers, dates of birth, and social security numbers. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the historic breach of the telecommunications giant.Read more...
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on (#6KV1C)
While environmental lawyer Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is known for many things-including his anti-vaccine conspiracy theories, racist and antisemitic comments, and viral shirtless pushup routine-he has most recently made headlines for his 2024 presidential campaign. If you happen to know someone who is voting for RFK Jr....Read more...
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on (#6KV0P)
PARIS-In what has been hailed as a breakthrough in how one must confront the sheer nothingness that pervades all being, existential researchers at the College international de philosophie announced Thursday that they had taught a rat to run forever through an exitless maze. Our team has successfully ascertained...Read more...
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on (#6KV0Q)
STUTTGART, GERMANY-Remarking upon the plaza's historic architecture and many cultural wonders, local European Klaus Becker told reporters Thursday that he enjoyed the city centre. Perhaps the best part is how walkable the city centre is!" said a visibly delighted Becker, noting that it was also the perfect place to...Read more...
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on (#6KV0R)
VATICAN CITY-Stressing that His good moods never tended to last long, Pope Francis encouraged Catholics on Thursday to ask for what they wanted now while God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, was in high spirits. Whether you're praying to Him for a promotion at work or to help shepherd a loved one through a...Read more...
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on (#6KTHM)
Eight passengers on a Norwegian cruise, including a pregnant woman, a paraplegic traveler, and an 80-year-old who had been receiving emergency medical treatment at port, were not permitted back aboard the still-docked ship because they were late, leaving them to travel through six countries over land trying to meet...Read more...
on (#6KT4N)
A study found that cognitive tests issued via a phone app were able to accurately detect early-onset dementia in high-risk individuals, even when they were not yet displaying outward symptoms, providing a possible alternative to help identify the underdiagnosed illness. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KT47)
BETHANY BEACH, DE-As movers unloaded a truck in front of the house next door, local dad Stan Morby, 43, expressed hoped Wednesday that his new neighbor liked verbal altercations. Man, I really hope whoever bought that place enjoys getting into shouting matches in the front yard," said Morby, noting how difficult it...Read more...
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on (#6KSNE)
Both 13- and 17-year cicadas are due to emerge simultaneously this year for the first time since 1803, with an estimated 1 million cicadas per acre across 16 states coming out of diapause this spring. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KSA2)
Donald Trump recently announced on Truth Social that he has teamed up with country music artist Lee Greenwood to sell a custom God Bless The USA" Bible for $59.99. Here is everything we know about the bespoke religious text that the former president is hawking.Read more...
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on (#6KS7Z)
EUREKA SPRINGS, AR-Watching the soy boy miss out on countless opportunities, sources confirmed Tuesday that a local beta male on a date didn't even try to murder the woman. Is this limp-dicked cuck gonna strangle that chick or what?" said nearby observer Jason Lindell, noting that the effete half-male hadn't once...Read more...
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on (#6KRHQ)
JANESVILLE, WI-A monetary wunderkind who has amassed a level of wealth the average American can only dream of, local finance whiz Jason Reed has over $300 in his bank account, sources confirmed Monday. That's not just $300 on paper-that's 300 bucks, free and clear, in a checking account at Chase," said a person close...Read more...
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on (#6KRHS)
Following the surge in platforms offering anti-vaxxers the opportunity to find love with like-minded individuals, The Onion examines the best bios from dating apps for the unvaccinated.Read more...
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on (#6KPCN)
Adjusting for inflation, the United States has sent around $300 billion in economic and military support to Israel since its founding in 1948. The Onion breaks down the numbers behind this staggering level of aid.Read more...
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on (#6KKF7)
WASHINGTON-According to a new study released by the National Research Council on Monday, the majority of Americans no longer have the energy required to stand while brushing their teeth. Exhausted from the stress of being alive, more than half of U.S. residents now lack the vigor and zeal a person needs to remain on...Read more...
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on (#6KGSD)
LYNCHBURG, TN-Saying the spirit had been blended with construction workers, farmers, and airline pilots in mind, distiller Jack Daniel's unveiled a new whiskey Thursday designed to be consumed while operating heavy machinery. Whether it's a forklift, dump truck, or crane, nothing lightens the load of handling large...Read more...
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on (#6KGSE)
DAYTON, OH-While greeting the crowd at a campaign rally Thursday, former President Donald Trump was seen kissing a supporter's burger, according to sources in attendance. Well, who's this juicy little guy?" asked the GOP presidential candidate, who then reportedly lifted up the fully loaded flame-broiled beef...Read more...
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on (#6KGRC)
Marion Island off the coast of South Africa has been overrun by mice that have begun to eat seabirds and other endangered wildlife, prompting conservationists to launch the Mouse-Free Marion project, which will drop rodent poison from helicopters to completely eradicate them. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6KGBF)
Sex offender Nicholas Hawkes became England's first convicted cyberflasher and was sentenced to 66 months in prison after sending unsolicited photos of his genitals to women who took screenshots and reported him to the police. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KGBG)
SANTA MONICA, CA-Backed by nearly $50 million from investors, a new streaming service launched Wednesday that exclusively features television episodes that have been removed from other platforms because a character appears in blackface. We are proud to introduce Minstrl, the premiere destination for modern...Read more...
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on (#6KFVA)
MUSKEGON, MI-Letting out an emphatic sigh as the boy began crying, local dad Harry Moran reportedly lost his patience Wednesday after providing his child with several continuous seconds of emotional support. Oh, come on, are we still talking about this? I just said I was proud of you, for God's sake!" the 44-year-old...Read more...
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on (#6KFVB)
Test your knowledge of the British monarchy with our royal family quiz.Read more...
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on (#6KFVC)
SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA-Admitting that no one had the heart to correct her at this point in her life, local woman Theresa Frasier told reporters Wednesday that everyone on her 72-year-old mother's hall pass" list was dead. Sadly, every celebrity crush my mom was able to name passed away not just years, but decades ago,"...Read more...
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on (#6KEZY)
BATON ROUGE, LA-Admitting it was the only way she could accomplish anything lately, local woman Kelley Lawrence reported Friday that she tended to do her best creative thinking when backed into a corner with her livelihood at stake. The only time inspiration strikes these days is when I'm faced with losing my home...Read more...
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on (#6KEZZ)
WASHINGTON-Concluding that it had found no clear reason to doubt the veracity of such emails, texts, and direct messages, the Federal Communications Commission announced Tuesday that all messages it had seen offering free iPads seemed pretty legit. Usually there are only a few typos, and it all seems above board;...Read more...
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on (#6KEXF)
Boeing's reputation has suffered serious damage following several high-profile equipment failures, including a door panel detaching during an Alaska Airlines flight. The Onion asked Boeing employees whether they would fly in a Boeing aircraft, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6KEXG)
HOUSTON-Laughing and smiling the whole night as they bonded over Emily Barkan's flaws, local couple Jay and Brenda Barkan were reportedly really hitting it off with their daughter's emotionally abusive boyfriend this week. Andrew is such a gentleman-I was about to suggest Emily stick to salad tonight, but then he...Read more...
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on (#6KEEV)
LAS VEGAS-Now in the eighth year of his long-term residency at the resort, pop star Bruno Mars reportedly owes the Park MGM $50 million after having assumed since 2016 that the casino cocktails were complimentary. They're supposed to be free, right-at least while you're gambling?" asked the Uptown Funk" singer,...Read more...
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on (#6KEEC)
DORADO, PUERTO RICO-In response to a training video that the six-time former heavyweight champion posted in anticipation of their match, Jake Paul announced Monday that he was bringing a gun with him to fight Mike Tyson. This July, when I fight Mike Tyson, I will come to the arena with a loaded firearm," the...Read more...
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