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Updated 2024-03-28 18:00
Musk: Monkeys Implanted With Neuralink Brain Chips Were Already ‘Close To Death’
Elon Musk has denied reports that his brain-implant startup Neuralink killed monkeys during research experiments, claiming instead that tests were only done on terminal" primates. What do you think?Read more...
Mark Cuban Launches Company To Help NBA Owners Save Millions On Generic Free Agents
DALLAS-Saying that every team deserved access to effective and affordable players, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban announced Wednesday the launch of a company to help NBA owners save millions on generic free agents. The price of free agents has skyrocketed in recent years, leaving many NBA franchises unable to...Read more...
New iPhone 15 Includes 12 Animal Sounds And Colorful Lever
CUPERTINO, CA-In a stunning conclusion to the highly anticipated keynote address, Apple announced Tuesday that the new iPhone 15 will include 12 animal sounds and a colorful lever. The next sea change in personal electronics has arrived, and it goes moo," said CEO Tim Cook, explaining to a crowd of cheering fans that...Read more...
Naïve Toddler Getting Awfully Attached To 90-Year-Old Grandmother
DAVENPORT, IA-Perplexed by the toddler's affection for the nonagenarian, sources confirmed Tuesday that local 2-year-old Ava Kerper was getting awfully attached to her 90-year-old grandmother. She knows the average life expectancy is like, 77, right?" said the sources, who scoffed while watching the child...Read more...
Walmart Cuts Starting Wages
Walmart has made adjustments to its pay scale, lowering the starting hourly wages for some jobs such as shelf stockers and those who pack online orders. What do you think?Read more...
Goodwill Employee Discovers Human Skull In Donation Box
A Goodwill employee in Arizona called the police after finding a withered skull in a donation box, though a medical examiner confirmed the skull was historic" and thus does not appear linked to any crime. What do you think?Read more...
Topher Grace Comes Out In Support Of Giving Danny Masterson Electric Chair
LOS ANGELES-In a heartfelt letter addressed to the judge overseeing his former That '70s Show co-star's trial, actor Topher Grace came out Monday in support of giving Danny Masterson the electric chair. While I'm aware Danny is facing a prison sentence of 30 years to life, based on his character, he should be...Read more...
Study: More Americans Buying AR-15s To Defend Selves From Toddlers Who Found Their Guns
WASHINGTON-Shedding light on the enduring appeal behind assault rifle ownership, a Pew study released Monday revealed that more Americans were buying AR-15s to defend themselves from toddlers who found their guns. Many Americans stressed that they felt safer knowing they had an AR-15 at the ready in case their...Read more...
Department Of Transportation Announces $1 Billion Investment In Horses
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FTC Issues Fines For Sassy Retail Employees Who Cut Declined Credit Cards In Half
WASHINGTON-Cracking down on the common but unethical practice seemingly rampant in department stores, the Federal Trade Commission began issuing fines this week for any sassy retail employee who held up a customer's declined credit card and cut it in half. A lot of these snobbish retail employees seem to derive a...Read more...
Aide Pulls Several Wet Pages Of Bill Out Of Dianne Feinstein’s Mouth
WASHINGTON-Trying to dislodge the saliva-covered documents without tearing them on the senator's teeth, Senate aide Austin Shear reportedly pulled several wet pages out of Dianne Feinstein's mouth Friday. No, Dianne, that's very bad-drop it!" said Shear, who stuck his fingers between Feinstein's lips and used the...Read more...
Smithsonian Acquires Giant Catapult Harriet Tubman Used To Launch Slaves To Freedom
WASHINGTON-Devoting a new exhibit to the ballistic device famously associated with the iconic abolitionist, the Smithsonian's National Museum of American History announced Friday that it had just acquired the giant catapult that Harriet Tubman used to launch slaves to freedom. We at the Smithsonian are honored to...Read more...
Tucker Carlson Interviews Man Claiming That He And Barack Obama Were The Gay Couple From ‘Modern Family’
WOODSTOCK, ME-Inviting the guest to detail the explosive revelations on his Tucker On X program, former Fox News host Tucker Carlson interviewed a man who claimed this week that he and Barack Obama were the gay couple from Modern Family. Barack and I were married on network television for 11 seasons and had a...Read more...
What To Know About Burning Man
The annual desert campout Burning Man made headlines over the weekend after heavy rains temporarily stranded more than 70,000 attendees. The Onion takes a deep dive into the history of Burning Man and this weekend's fiasco.
Economy Collapses After 10-Year-Old Boy Spends Entire U.S. GDP On Fortnite Skins
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2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC
With the 2023 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis of every team in the NFC.Read more...
Court Upholds Congressional Map That Sealed Black Voters In Impenetrable Cube
JACKSON, MS-Concluding that the lightless, indestructible structure did not breach the state's constitution, the Mississippi Supreme Court issued a 7-2 decision Thursday upholding a congressional map that sealed Black voters into an impenetrable cube. This court's judgement finds that there is no state or federal...Read more...
FanDuel Promo Offers Complimentary $100 Bet To First-Time Gambling Hotline Callers
NEW YORK-As sports bettors eagerly awaited the NFL season to kick off Thursday, a new FanDuel promotion reportedly offers a complimentary $100 bet to first-time gambling hotline callers. This weekend only, we're encouraging NFL fans to use FanDuel by depositing $100 into the account of anyone who is calling a hotline...Read more...
ICE Agent Jealous Of Cop Who Gets To Kill Actual Americans
PEARSALL, TX-Explaining that it was hard not to feel inferior given their job responsibilities, ICE agent Marcus Snell admitted to reporters Thursday that he was jealous of his police officer friend who gets to kill actual Americans. Contributing to the deaths of Central American refugees is fun and all, but Jerry...Read more...
Doctors Find Live Parasitic Worm In Woman’s Brain
A neurosurgeon discovered a live, 3.5-inch-long roundworm, a parasite usually found in snakes, inside the brain of a 64-year-old Australian woman who sought help after experiencing worsening symptoms of forgetfulness and depression. What do you think?Read more...
Presidential Candidate Profile: Vivek Ramaswamy
Former biotech executive Vivek Ramaswamy has recently been placing third in polls for the 2024 Republican presidential nomination. The Onion tells you what you need to know about Vivek Ramawsamy.
Wrong John Silver
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Mediterranean Tourists Go On Incredible Refugee-Watching Tour
MYKONOS, GREECE-Describing it as a truly awe-inspiring sight of natural beauty, tourists told reporters Wednesday about the incredible refugee-watching tour they recently enjoyed during their trip to the Mediterranean. At first, the guide said we might not be able to see any refugees because they're a bit skittish...Read more...
Study Finds Paper Straws Contain Toxic ‘Forever Chemicals’
A new European study found that 90% of so-called eco-friendly paper and bamboo straws contain forever chemicals," compounds that don't break down and can accumulate in our bodies, leading to health problems. What do you think?Read more...
New U.S. Army Recruitment Ad Touts Military As Great Alternative To Starving On Streets
WASHINGTON-In an effort to reach Americans affected by growing income inequality and the soaring cost of food, the U.S. Army launched a new ad campaign this week that touts the military as a great alternative to starving on the streets. Food, sustenance, grub, chow-whatever you call it, we have it, and you need it...Read more...
Parents Explain Why Gender-Affirming Care For Kids Is Just A Fad
After a number of high profile individuals claimed that transgender youth are too immature to make such a decision about their identity, The Onion asked parents to explain why gender-affirming care for kids is just a fad, and this is what they said.Read more...
Length Of Man’s Facial Hair Directly Proportional To How Much Friends, Family Should Be Worried
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Knife-Wielding Doctors Roam Country Searching For Teens To Force To Be Trans
WASHINGTON-Warning citizens of a rising threat to the nation's youth, U.S. officials cautioned Tuesday that knife-wielding doctors were roaming the country in search of adolescent children they could force to be trans. Across America, parents are watching helplessly as trained surgeons compel their sons to become...Read more...
Convicted Felons Give Trump Advice For Going To Prison
With the former president facing 91 criminal charges in four indictments, The Onion asked convicted felons to give Donald Trump advice for going to prison, and this is what they said.Read more...
Cop Annoyed At Assumption That All Police Officers Are As Bad As Him
DALLAS-Stressing that those sorts of boilerplate ways of looking at human beings didn't help anybody, local police officer Tyler Franklin told reporters Tuesday that he was annoyed by the assumption that all police officers were as bad as him. Look, obviously there are going to be some bad apples like myself who...Read more...
Parents Don’t Understand How Son Could Spend So Much Money To Live In Place That Brings Him Joy
DAYTON, OH-Saying that it made absolutely zero sense for him to squander his paycheck on rent that high, local parents Janet and Greg Tillson told reporters Tuesday that they didn't understand how their son could spend so much money to live in a place that brought him joy. Frankly, I don't understand it at all-why...Read more...
Queen’s ‘Fat Bottomed Girls’ Cut From ‘Greatest Hits’ Album For Younger Audiences
Queen's 1978 hit Fat Bottomed Girls" has been removed from the band's Greatest Hits album on Yoto, an audio platform for children, after the company decided it was not appropriate for its audience. What do you think?Read more...
China Bans Seafood From Japan As Treated Radioactive Fukushima Water Release Begins
Japan has begun releasing treated radioactive water from the wrecked Fukushima nuclear power plant into the Pacific Ocean, a process expected to take 30 years to complete, prompting China to immediately ban all seafood from the country. What do you think?Read more...
Spanish Soccer President Refuses To Resign After Forcibly Kissing Player At World Cup
Spanish soccer boss Luis Rubiales, who forcibly kissed a player after the country's Women's World Cup victory, has refused to resign, fueling anger among the team and government ministers, who decried his actions as unacceptable macho behavior. What do you think?Read more...
Democrats Respond To Jacksonville Shooting With Proposal To Remove Black People From Circulation
WASHINGTON-Following a Jacksonville, FL mass shooting in which a white assailant killed three African Americans, Democrats in the U.S. Senate introduced a bill Monday they said would address the continuing crisis of racially motivated attacks by removing all Black people from circulation. The only way to prevent...Read more...
Nerd Who Spent Summer Getting Into Shape Quickly Discovers Bully Worked Out Twice As Hard
BELLINGHAM, WA-Admitting that his physical transformation didn't even come close to cutting it, local nerd Hayden Gardner told reporters Monday he had spent all summer getting into shape only to discover his bully had worked out twice as hard. Wow, I thought that I'd spent the last three months getting totally swole,...Read more...
Simone Biles Makes History As First Gymnast To Successfully Perform Somersault
SAN JOSE, CA-Winning her eighth U.S. Championship in 10 years, Simone Biles made history Sunday as the first gymnast to successfully perform a somersault. We have never seen a gymnast, male or female, able to stick the landing on the somersault," said Maureen Shevrin, one of the eight judges who awarded the gymnast a...Read more...
White Evangelicals Explain Why They Refuse To Vote For Vivek Ramaswamy
Despite a dominant performance at the first Republican debate, presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy is still lagging at the polls. The Onion asked white evangelicals why they refuse to vote for Vivek Ramaswamy, and this is what they said.Read more...
Sensitive College Students Require Trigger Warning Before Seeing Professor’s Penis
BOWLING GREEN, OH-Complaining about the woke mind virus" that had taken over the campus, Bowling Green State University economics professor Gerard Admussen told reporters Monday that the overly sensitive college students require a trigger warning before seeing his penis. Back in my day, seeing a teacher's half-erect...Read more...
45-Year-Old Reverse-Aging Billionaire Announces His Dick Finally As Small As Baby’s
LOS ANGELES-Reaching an extraordinary milestone in his quest for longevity, 45-year-old tech billionaire Bryan Johnson announced Thursday that his penis was finally as small as a baby's. Harnessing the power of biohacking, I've managed to shrink my penis from adult to prepubescent and, finally, to infantile," said...Read more...
Ex-FDA Official Confirms Existence Of Vegetables
WASHINGTON-Testifying before a House Oversight subcommittee about a truth long withheld from the American public, whisteblower and former Food and Drug Administration official Ron Freeley confirmed the existence of vegetables Thursday. Despite the U.S. government's extensive efforts to hide them, vegetables are out...Read more...
Vanna White Misses ‘Wheel Of Fortune’ For First Time In 30 Years
Vanna White will reportedly be missing from Wheel Of Fortune for the first time in over 30 years after contracting Covid-19, with the 2023 Teacher of the Year" recipient filling in during upcoming Teachers Week" episodes. What do you think?Read more...
Hungover Man Pieces Together Previous Night By What He’s Throwing Up
KNOXVILLE, TN-Using his vomit to carefully connect the dots, local hungover man Dennis Moen reportedly pieced together his previous night on Thursday by what he was throwing up. Okay, so I must have stopped at a hot dog stand at some point, if you take into consideration all the wiener chunks I just puked," said...Read more...
Rudy Giuliani, RICO Pioneer, Indicted On Racketeering Charges With Trump
Rudy Giuliani, who was hailed for his innovative use of racketeering laws against the Mob as a U.S. attorney in the 1980s, was indicted for violating Georgia's RICO law along with Donald Trump and 17 others in connection with efforts to overturn the 2020 election. What do you think?Read more...
‘Ah, Pissing, I Love To Piss,’ Says Ron DeSantis Attempting To Strike Up Conversation With Voter
DES MOINES, IA- Hoping to initiate a casual chat with an average citizen during his campaign stop at the Iowa State Fair, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) reportedly said, Ah, pissing, I love to piss," this week when attempting to strike up a conversation with a voter. Boy, do I just adore pissing. What a great way to...Read more...
2,000-Room Luxury Resort Appears Overnight From Charred Maui Wreckage
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Barack Obama Opens New Electronics Store
CHICAGO-Saying he was ready to start a new chapter in his post-presidency, Barack Obama spoke with reporters Friday about his latest project, opening an electronics store on the South Side of Chicago. Back during the pandemic, when we were all stuck at home, I taught myself how to do simple laptop repairs, fix a...Read more...
Everything Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas Received From Donors
Justice Clarence Thomas has enjoyed luxury vacations, flights on private jets, and a number of other extravagant and incredibly expensive gifts while serving on the Supreme Court. The Onion examines everything Justice Thomas received from donors.Read more...
Ron DeSantis Announces He Will Live As Slave For One Year To Prove It Not Bad
DES MOINES, IA-Vociferously defending his state's decision to teach middle school students that enslaved Black Americans benefited from forced labor, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis announced plans Monday to live as a slave for a year to prove it's not that bad. I'm going to be put on the auction block and sold away from...Read more...
Single Aunt Study Finds 100% Of Cats Angels On Earth
COLUMBUS, OH-According to a new study published in the Journal Of Itty-Bitty Little Paws, single aunt researchers confirmed Monday that 100% of cats are angels on earth. I'm not even religious, but I can report with 100% certainty they are blessings from God, every single one of them," said lead researcher Amanda...Read more...
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