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on (#6JJ24)
LAS VEGAS-In another major controversy for the social media influencer, 23-year-old Jackson Mahomes was reportedly caught Sunday groping the Las Vegas Sphere. Sources confirmed that Mahomes, the younger brother of Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes, sidled up to the 516-foot-wide LED orb before suddenly...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-04-16 17:30 |
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on (#6JHSD)
TOKYO-With the international pop star having rushed onto the private aircraft after a sold-out show at the Tokyo Dome, fans around the world speculated Sunday about whether Taylor Swift would make it to the Super Bowl after she boarded Buddy Holly's old plane. I'm just praying Tay Tay gets to the big game in time to...Read more...
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on (#6JGXE)
New research from scientists in the U.K. indicates that older men taking Viagra are 18% less likely to develop Alzheimer's disease, with the researchers speculating that because the medication relaxes blood vessels, it could be improving blood flow in the brain as well as other areas of the body. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6JGXF)
In a lawsuit funded by Elon Musk, actress and former MMA artist Gina Carano is suing Disney for her termination from TV series The Mandalorian, alleging that she was fired for her far-right political views and demanding that the company rehire her. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JGXG)
Chicago is the latest U.S. city to approve the construction of a casino, a move that has stoked both excitement and controversy among residents. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of casinos.Read more...
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on (#6JGXK)
An estimated 40 million adults receive therapy treatment every year, but those considering therapy or even in therapy may encounter some common myths and misconceptions about what it can accomplish. The Onion debunks the most enduring myths about therapy.Read more...
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on (#6JGWP)
This pristine colon features a constant flow of nutrient-rich waste, ample space to raise larvae, and is just minutes from the anus for easy egg deposition! Emit your dorsal hooks and latch on today!Read more...
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on (#6JGT3)
Staying up to date the with the location of the busy pop star can be a challenge for fans. Fear not, however, for now you can follow Taylor Swift's every move with The Onion's real-time jet tracker.Read more...
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on (#6JFYF)
Despite facing no major challenger in Nevada, Nikki Haley lost the state's primary election after voters rejected all candidates, with more choosing the none of these candidates" option on the ballot. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6JE1S)
Following a procedure to reduce an enlarged prostate, King Charles III, 75, was diagnosed with a form of cancer" and is stepping down from public duties while he undergoes treatment. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JDHQ)
ST. LOUIS-Expanding its product offerings beyond its long-running line of chewable tablets, antacid manufacturer Tums introduced a new sternly worded note Tuesday that reportedly works by reminding consumers they know better than to eat that stuff in the first place. The best method of heartburn relief remains having...Read more...
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on (#6JABF)
Despite both the Supreme Court and the Biden administration ordering the removal of razor wire along the U.S.-Mexico border, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott has pledged to continue installing it. The Onion asked Texans why they support the controversial deterrent, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6JABG)
Elon Musk announced that his company Neuralink implanted its first brain-computer interface into a human and that the patient is recovering well," the goal of the new wireless device being to link directly into an individual's cerebral cortex, allowing them to control a computer by thinking. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6J82D)
ROCHESTER, MN-Emphasizing the importance of catching skinlessness early, while there was still some chance of treating the condition, dermatologists at the Mayo Clinic issued a recommendation Tuesday that members of the public regularly check themselves for skin. Given the potentially dire health effects if the...Read more...
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on (#6J5R6)
Eligio Regalado, a pastor from Denver, CO and his wife, Kaitlyn Regalado, were charged with a civil complaint that the pair created and sold a valueless cryptocurrency called INDXcoin," raising nearly $3.2 million that they used to fund a lavish lifestyle in a scheme that Mr. Regaldo claimed he was called to do by...Read more...
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on (#6J5NA)
MIDLOTHIAN, TX-Saying he had appeared in the display case with no further explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local pawn shop Money City Jewelry & Loan had a kid in the window. Whoa, is that a child? I wonder how much they want for him," said local shopper Laura Reineck, noting that the kid, aged 5 or 6, was...Read more...
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on (#6J5NB)
Baby names have changed a lot in the last half century, and the popularity of traditional male names like Robert, William, or Henry has waned in favor of names that reflect the trends and values of modern times. But whether its traditional or unique, every year, one name rises to the top. Find your birth year and see...Read more...
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on (#6J5JM)
WASHINGTON-Stressing that the big game wouldn't be the same without the iconic ancient grains, the nation's quinoa and spelt producers warned of shortages Friday as Americans stocked up for Super Bowl LVIII. As usually happens this time of year, football fans are heading out to supermarkets nationwide to make...Read more...
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on (#6J593)
During a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Nikki Haley said that America had never been a racist country." The Onion asked Americans why our history has always been color-blind, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6J572)
BROOKFIELD, WI-Saying he had purchased the artifact of 20th-century warfare at a steal in an online auction, local uncle Kyle Javorsky reportedly announced this week that he had an undetonated World War II-era grenade he wanted to show you. You recognize that, right? That's an Mk 2," said Javorsky, who reportedly...Read more...
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on (#6J56Q)
SANTA CLARITA, CA-Immediately regretting every drunken decision that led him to this point, local man John Ewing recoiled in disgust Friday after the pizza he woke up to looked nothing like what he brought to bed last night. Oh my God, what the hell did I do?" said Ewing, who admitted that while his memory was pretty...Read more...
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on (#6J4QZ)
CORAL GABLES, FL-Noting how excited participants were even just to wait in line until it was their turn, a new study published by researchers at the University of Miami found that scanning items at a supermarket self-checkout was even cooler than it seemed when one was a child. From the scanning itself to placing...Read more...
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on (#6J4KJ)
STOCKHOLM-Utilizing one of the Scandinavian country's generous social masturbator programs, the Swedish government gave resident Henrik Svensson six months' paternity leave Thursday for busting a huge load. Upon notification that Mr. Henrik Svensson had cum thick ropes of pearly white semen, the aforementioned will...Read more...
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on (#6J4JX)
DETROIT-Saying they hoped to bring people together through the power of summary executions," Detroit city officials implemented a plan Thursday to rebuild a sense of community by holding public hangings. As part of our efforts to revitalize the city's cultural offerings and strengthen our bonds as Detroiters, we are...Read more...
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on (#6J48G)
The Academy did not nominate Greta Gerwig or Margot Robbie for best director or actor, respectively, for Barbie despite its box office success and critical acclaim, sparking outrage online. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6J3KT)
ATLANTA-In a partnership with the Ad Council to educate the nation about the strange fleshy organs beneath their pants, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention addressed the plummeting birth rate by launching a new campaign Wednesday that reminded Americans what genitals do. Hard or flushed, wet or scary-we...Read more...
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on (#6J3GA)
A woman was arrested for stealing 65 Stanley cups, valued at $2,500, from a California store over the weekend, all of which were recovered by police from her car during a traffic stop. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6J3GB)
CHICAGO-Saying she had learned what to look out for after years of being single, local woman Laura Powers reported Friday that any man who wore a hat in every picture on his dating profile was probably hiding a wife and kids up there. If you're scrolling through his photos and none of them show the top of his head,...Read more...
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on (#6J2D3)
The ideal home for someone whose husband didn't disappear six weeks ago after a fight about paper towels. Master bedroom comes with closet full of clothes for a man of medium height who, really, doesn't deserve to call himself a man. Interested buyers may bring white wine.Read more...
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on (#6J1HW)
Donald Trump recently argued that presidents should receive total immunity" from prosecution even if they commit crimes. The Onion asked Americans to explain why presidents should have immunity, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HZ2P)
LONDON-Expressing excitement for the four-hour, star-studded, once in a lifetime" event, 67 million British citizens tuned in Thursday to watch a live broadcast of King Charles III's prostate surgery. What a beautiful day to witness His Majesty standing before his subjects, donning a hospital gown, and going under...Read more...
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on (#6HYYT)
LOS ANGELES-Maintaining a neutral smile with a slightly furrowed brow to ensure it looked like he was really taking in the sights and sounds, Ben Affleck reportedly kept close control over his facial expression Thursday while watching the trailer for the new Jennifer Lopez movie, This Is Me...Now. Looks super awesome,...Read more...
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New Petfinder Feature Allows Users To Browse Dogs That Already Have Homes But Would Be Easy To Steal
on (#6HYN5)
ST. LOUIS-In an effort to better connect prospective pet owners with animal companions ready for the taking, the website Petfinder announced a new feature Thursday allowing users to browse dogs that already had homes but would be relatively easy to steal. Finding the perfect pet for you and your family can be a...Read more...
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on (#6HTAK)
NEW YORK-In an innovative expansion of its popular puzzle section, The New York Times Games department announced a new feature Thursday that sends reporters to subscribers' homes to play a round of Scrabble.Read more...
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on (#6HT44)
While it would be best not to interact with them at all, here's what you should never say to a former Jeffrey Epstein associate.Read more...
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on (#6HSYG)
Elon Musk has once again found himself in hot water after The Wall Street Journal confirmed that the CEO often uses illegal drugs, including cocaine, LSD, magic mushrooms, ecstasy, and ketamine. Here is everything The Onion currently knows about the controversial billionaire's recreational drug use.Read more...
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on (#6HSYH)
NEW YORK-In an innovative expansion of its popular puzzle section, The New York Times Games department announced a new feature Thursday that sends reporters to subscribers' homes to play a round of Scrabble. Our readers can't get enough of engaging games like Wordle and Connections, and now a $50 annual Games...Read more...
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on (#6HSYJ)
TEMPE, AZ-Taking a moment to acknowledge their fallen comrade, a group of Arizona State University students announced Friday that the drunk guy who just tumbled off the balcony would have wanted the rest of his friends to keep partying. If Caleb could be here now, he would definitely tell us to carry on with the good...Read more...
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on (#6HSYK)
NEW YORK-After their compensation packages emerged from the difficult commercial landscape unscathed, top executives at Symbios Enterprises told reporters Friday that economic headwinds had narrowly avoided C-suite budgets for the 15th straight quarter. It was touch-and-go there for a bit with all the macro changes...Read more...
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on (#6HSYM)
Close on the heels of the deadly storms currently crossing the U.S., meteorologists are predicting a bomb cyclone blizzard in the Midwest, an arctic blast across 88% of the U.S., thunderstorms across the Southeast, and an East Coast snowstorm. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HSHG)
SOUTH BEND, IN-Concluding from the name of the product that the wool had long been pulled over their eyes, astute consumers reported Thursday that the appearance of new Cheez-It Extra Cheesy crackers served as a tacit acknowledgment that the manufacturer could have been making the snack cheesier all along. If this...Read more...
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on (#6HSEP)
FOXBOROUGH, MA-While paying tribute to the departing coach's 24 seasons and six titles, New England Patriots owner Bob Kraft assured fans Thursday that the team was already searching through insane asylums for a possible Bill Belichick replacement. Look, nobody is ever going to fill the hole that Bill's leaving...Read more...
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on (#6HSEQ)
Pat McAfee announced that Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers will no longer appear as a weekly guest on his ESPN talk show following statements by Rodgers that late-night host Jimmy Kimmel is linked to convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, which caused Kimmel to threaten to sue. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HSBP)
TAPETHOK, NEPAL-Beaming with delight as he was carried down the south face of the Kangchenjunga mountain in a torrent of snow, ice, and rocks, alpinist Herman Stelling reportedly noted Thursday that the first few seconds of being swept up in a cataclysmic avalanche was actually pretty fun. Weeeeeeeee! Yay!" said the...Read more...
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