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on (#6HSYG)
Elon Musk has once again found himself in hot water after The Wall Street Journal confirmed that the CEO often uses illegal drugs, including cocaine, LSD, magic mushrooms, ecstasy, and ketamine. Here is everything The Onion currently knows about the controversial billionaire's recreational drug use.Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-04-19 06:00 |
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on (#6HSYH)
NEW YORK-In an innovative expansion of its popular puzzle section, The New York Times Games department announced a new feature Thursday that sends reporters to subscribers' homes to play a round of Scrabble. Our readers can't get enough of engaging games like Wordle and Connections, and now a $50 annual Games...Read more...
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on (#6HSYJ)
TEMPE, AZ-Taking a moment to acknowledge their fallen comrade, a group of Arizona State University students announced Friday that the drunk guy who just tumbled off the balcony would have wanted the rest of his friends to keep partying. If Caleb could be here now, he would definitely tell us to carry on with the good...Read more...
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on (#6HSYK)
NEW YORK-After their compensation packages emerged from the difficult commercial landscape unscathed, top executives at Symbios Enterprises told reporters Friday that economic headwinds had narrowly avoided C-suite budgets for the 15th straight quarter. It was touch-and-go there for a bit with all the macro changes...Read more...
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on (#6HSYM)
Close on the heels of the deadly storms currently crossing the U.S., meteorologists are predicting a bomb cyclone blizzard in the Midwest, an arctic blast across 88% of the U.S., thunderstorms across the Southeast, and an East Coast snowstorm. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HSHG)
SOUTH BEND, IN-Concluding from the name of the product that the wool had long been pulled over their eyes, astute consumers reported Thursday that the appearance of new Cheez-It Extra Cheesy crackers served as a tacit acknowledgment that the manufacturer could have been making the snack cheesier all along. If this...Read more...
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on (#6HSEP)
FOXBOROUGH, MA-While paying tribute to the departing coach's 24 seasons and six titles, New England Patriots owner Bob Kraft assured fans Thursday that the team was already searching through insane asylums for a possible Bill Belichick replacement. Look, nobody is ever going to fill the hole that Bill's leaving...Read more...
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on (#6HSEQ)
Pat McAfee announced that Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers will no longer appear as a weekly guest on his ESPN talk show following statements by Rodgers that late-night host Jimmy Kimmel is linked to convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, which caused Kimmel to threaten to sue. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HSBP)
TAPETHOK, NEPAL-Beaming with delight as he was carried down the south face of the Kangchenjunga mountain in a torrent of snow, ice, and rocks, alpinist Herman Stelling reportedly noted Thursday that the first few seconds of being swept up in a cataclysmic avalanche was actually pretty fun. Weeeeeeeee! Yay!" said the...Read more...
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on (#6HS7C)
FAIRFAX COUNTY, VA-Emphasizing that the void left by outgoing CEO Wayne LaPierre would be difficult to fill, the National Rifle Association announced Thursday that it had narrowed its search for new leadership with a round of Russian roulette. After an exhaustive search, we've honed in on the best candidates by...Read more...
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on (#6HS7D)
Full article.Read more...
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on (#6HS76)
OMAHA, NE-Standing tall as they proclaimed their ignorance and confusion, citizens of the nation's midsize cities announced Thursday that they have no idea who their mayor is.Read more...
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on (#6HS45)
Many believe that a once-strong military composed of straight white men has become weak due to a liberal obsession with inclusion. The Onion asked Americans to explain why the U.S. military is too woke, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HS1C)
OMAHA, NE-Standing tall as they proclaimed their ignorance and confusion, citizens of the nation's midsize cities announced Thursday that they have no idea who their mayor is. Let me guess: Is it Pete Buttigieg?" said Kevin Warder, spokesperson for a coalition that represents hopelessly clueless residents of...Read more...
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on (#6HS1D)
NEW YORK-In a major milestone for the field of longevity medicine, researchers at Columbia University's Robert N. Butler Aging Center predicted Thursday that the first person to live to 150 years old was already out there, stalking the night and preying on young souls for their life force. What's remarkable is...Read more...
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on (#6HS1E)
According to a new study published in Proceedings Of The National Academy of Sciences, an average liter of bottled water contains roughly 240,000 detectable plastic particles including nanoplastics less than one micrometer in size, almost 100 times more than previously estimated. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6HRDX)
On Tuesday, several left-leaning reporters and critics of Elon Musk were removed from X with no warning, a move that seems contradictory to his previously stated goals of fostering free speech on the social media platform. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HRB5)
VIRGINIA BEACH, VA-Regaling her friends with tales of promiscuity from her single life, local woman Erica Bennet reportedly referred to the sole hi" she sent to a man on a dating app Wednesday as a ho phase," according to sources. Truly in my ho phase, y'all," the 29-year-old wrote in a group text with her...Read more...
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on (#6HRAZ)
MILWAUKEE-Saying he had no idea at what hour of the night or early morning he would return, local boyfriend Adrian Martin announced Wednesday that he planned to black out and spend upwards of $600 at a golf simulator. Yeah, I'm heading out with my buddies to that place RoboGolf-don't wait up for me," said...Read more...
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on (#6HRB0)
While he feigns ignorance, much of Donald Trump's current rhetoric bears an unmistakable similarity to that of Adolph Hitler. See if you can guess whether the following quotes were said by the 45th president of the United States or the former leader of Nazi Germany.Read more...
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Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert And Ex-Husband Allegedly Involved In Physical Altercation At Restaurant
on (#6HQZM)
Police responded to a call in which the ex-husband of Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO), Jayson Boebert, claimed to be a victim of domestic violence, alleging that he was punched in the face at the restaurant where the two met. Rep. Boebert denies the allegations and no charges are being pressed. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HQZN)
CHICAGO-With a demolition crew arriving outside the building just as the final Sputnik chandelier was installed, a new luxury condominium building was reportedly demolished minutes after its completion Wednesday in order to build even fancier condos. Though we are sorry to say goodbye to this high-rise after its...Read more...
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on (#6HQZF)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to contrast himself with former President Donald Trump ahead of the 2024 election, President Joe Biden reportedly played up his wholesomeness Wednesday by drawing freckles on his cheeks with a marker. Why, hello, everybody-my name is Joey Biden," the president said in an address from the White...Read more...
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on (#6HQAV)
WILMETTE, IL-Telling the child not to peek as they walked into the backyard, local wealthy man Kenneth Schweitz reportedly surprised his son Tuesday with a tree house that the young boy could Airbnb for passive income. It's time you got your own little space that can be rented out for short-term stays and used to...Read more...
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on (#6HQ3H)
Headed to trial this week for alleged mismanagement and misappropriation of funds, Wayne LaPierre announced he was resigning as the National Rifle Association's CEO. The Onion asked gun owners what they thought about LaPierre stepping down, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HQ3J)
WASHINGTON-Issuing a blanket recommendation for meat, poultry, seafood, and eggs, the Food and Drug Administration confirmed Tuesday that the best way to ensure food has been heated to a safe temperature is to stick a finger down into the middle to see if it's still cold. Pushing a bare index finger into the cooked...Read more...
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on (#6HPCV)
WASHINGTON-Declining to alert senior officials to his interment for nearly a week, Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin failed to disclose that he had been buried at Arlington National Cemetery, reports confirmed Monday. I would like to apologize for not informing those in the White House, Congress, and the Pentagon that I...Read more...
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on (#6HPCW)
Pundits suggest President Biden faces a steep uphill battle to retain the White House, with polls showing a stubbornly low approval rating and widespread doubts about his ability to handle the economy. The Onion asked Americans what Biden has to do to earn their vote, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HPCX)
LOS ANGELES-In an exclusive interview with podcast host Jay Shetty, former first lady Michelle Obama stated Monday that she was terrified" what could happen in 2024 if Pennywise the Clown came back. We cannot and we must not take the Ritual of Chud for granted," said Obama, who responded to Shetty's question...Read more...
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on (#6HP96)
Full article.Read more...
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on (#6HP97)
Defendant Deobra Delone Redden, 30, was in court to defend himself against charges of federal battery with a baseball bat when he leaped over a defense table and the judge's bench, attacking Judge Mary Kay Holthus and inciting a brawl. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HP49)
Pundits suggest President Biden faces a steep uphill battle to retain the White House, with polls showing a stubbornly low approval rating and widespread doubts about his ability to handle the economy. The Onion asked Americans what Biden has to do to earn their vote, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HP4A)
WASHINGTON-Approving the bill by a significant margin, both houses of Congress voted Monday in favor of reducing Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program benefits to one free treat per year to be given to each recipient on their birthday. In an effort to rein in runaway spending on this program for impoverished...Read more...
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on (#6HMF6)
A House Oversight committee report titled White House For Sale" found evidence that former Donald Trump's businesses received millions of dollars from foreign entities in 20 different countries during the time that he was president, including China and Saudi Arabia. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HMCV)
After a difficult few years as the industry struggled to emerge from the pandemic and several strikes, films appear poised for a major comeback in 2024. Here are the picks of The Onion's cultural editors for the coming year's hottest movies.Read more...
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on (#6HHHM)
TROY, MI-Infiltrating her mind, body, and spirit, dark, mysterious forces reportedly compelled local woman Celina Carini to work out Tuesday to the High School Musical 2 soundtrack. Extremely disturbed sources confirmed that chills ran down their spines as they observed Carini step onto a treadmill at the gym, open...Read more...
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on (#6HGXV)
In a move that reignited tensions between conservationists who advocate for a balanced ecosystem and livestock farmers who see the new additions as a threat, five gray wolves were released into the wild in Colorado in an effort to restore the predator population there, the first time this has been done since...Read more...
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on (#6HGXW)
WASHINGTON-Using his platform to plead for Americans to lend him a hand, President Joe Biden addressed the nation Monday while hanging from a branch on the side of a cliff. Our democracy has never before hung in the balance more than it has at this moment when I am in danger of plummeting 50 feet to those sharp rocks...Read more...
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on (#6HGXX)
HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA-Sighing as she shoved the journal back under their daughter's mattress, local woman Lori Trent reported Monday that her child's diary was completely devoid of any useful dirt on her soon-to-be ex-husband. Great, I spent all afternoon reading that drivel for absolutely no reason," said the...Read more...
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on (#6HGWJ)
Despite his terrifying grin and dead-eyed stare, internet personality MrBeast has over 218 million subscribers on YouTube alone. The Onion asked his teenage boy fan base why they idolize him, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HFBH)
RACINE, WI-As part of an effort to take the happy-go-lucky bathroom-cleaning characters in a darker direction, Scrubbing Bubbles announced Friday that it had rebranded its namesake mascots, envisioning them anew as horny bad boy grime fighters. These streetwise and sexy new Scrubbing Bubbles play by their own rules...Read more...
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on (#6HF79)
With the new year fast approaching, many Americans are contemplating what changes they'd like to make to their lives in 2024. What are your new year's resolutions?Read more...
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on (#6HEKQ)
WASHINGTON-After a vagrant emerged from the darkness along the highway and beckoned toward the vehicles with his wickedly sharp blade, President Joe Biden directed his motorcade to pullover and pick up a blood-soaked hitchhiker, sources reported Thursday. Wow, that poor guy with the meat cleaver sure looks like he...Read more...
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on (#6HEHZ)
A study published in Science which tracked the hormone levels of 185 female chimpanzees suggests that our closest DNA relatives also go through menopause, a rare condition in the animal kingdom that was previously thought to only be experienced by humans and some species of whales. What do you think?Read more...