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Updated 2024-03-29 04:15
Politicians Explain Why They Will Not Endorse A Ceasefire
With the Palestinian death toll rapidly rising and conditions in Gaza deteriorating into a humanitarian crisis amid the Israeli invasion, The Onion asked politicians why they will not endorse a ceasefire, and this is what they said.Read more...
Study Finds Drinking Children’s Blood No More Effective Than Regular Blood At Achieving Eternal Life
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Kamala Harris Wears Sad Little Bat Headband Alone At Desk For Halloween
WASHINGTON-Beaming as she entered the White House with a Walgreens bag full of spooky decorations, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly wore a sad little bat headband Tuesday while sitting alone at her desk for Halloween. Happy Halloween, everyone-come on by to trick or treat," said the second-highest-ranking...Read more...
Happy Person Must Either Be Stupid Or Evil
MANDAN, ND-Genuinely at a loss as to how else they could account for the smiling, seemingly contented individual, witnesses reported Tuesday that local happy man Leonard Olson, 36, must either be stupid or evil. I'm not sure what that grinning fucker's deal is, exactly-maybe he's a completely corrupt and appalling...Read more...
Parents Explain Why ‘Bluey’ Is Too Woke
Bluey, an Australian cartoon about an anthropomorphic blue heeler puppy, has been repeatedly accused of indoctrinating children with a left-wing agenda. The Onion asked parents why they believe the popular children's show is too woke, and this is what they said.Read more...
Mike Pence Drops Out Of Republican Presidential Campaign
Former U.S. Vice President Mike Pence ended his cash-strapped presidential campaign after struggling for months to convince Republican voters he was the best alternative to the man he once served with unswerving loyalty, Donald Trump. What do you think?Read more...
Broncos Go On Winning Streak After Scooter Braun Begins Attending Every Game
DENVER-Crediting the 42-year-old music manager for the team's remarkable and sudden success, the Denver Broncos were reportedly on a winning streak Monday after Scooter Braun began attending every game. The Broncos have really turned things around, and it's all thanks to Scooter, who's apparently one hell of a good...Read more...
Tips For Throwing The Perfect Halloween Party
Americans around the nation are buying costumes, stocking up on candy, renting scary movies, and decorating their homes for spooky Halloween parties. Here are some tips for throwing the perfect Halloween bash.Read more...
Most Popular Halloween Costumes For Couples
Many couples like to get creative on Halloween and dress up as a famous duo. Here are this year's most popular Halloween costumes.Read more...
Americans Try To Define ‘War Crime’
With the conflict in Gaza provoking debate over what constitutes a violation of international humanitarian law, The Onion asked Americans to define a war crime," and this is what they said.Read more...
Sean Hannity Says He’d Use MMA Skills To Protect Himself In A Mass Shooting
Fox News host Sean Hannity used the devastating Lewiston shooting to bring up his own personal security plan" that involves using his mixed martial arts training to protect himself during a mass shooting. What do you think?Read more...
This Week's Most Viral News: Halloween Edition
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On-Fire Adolis Garcia Hits 3 Home Runs In Single At-Bat
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Republicans Explain Why They Support An Election Denier As House Speaker
Newly elected House Speaker Mike Johnson of Louisiana was a vocal supporter of Donald Trump's efforts to overturn the 2020 presidential election. The Onion asked House Republicans why they unanimously selected an election denier as their leader, and this is what they said.Read more...
Cool Leaf Carried A Couple Feet
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New Law Requires Political Candidates To Disclose Fetishes On All Campaign Materials
WASHINGTON-In an effort to provide U.S. voters with increased transparency, a new federal law was passed Friday that requires political candidates to disclose their sexual fetishes on all campaign materials. American voters have the right to know their elected officials' perversions, whether they involve piss play,...Read more...
GOP Rep. Mike Johnson Elected House Speaker
House Republicans elected Rep. Mike Johnson (R-LA) as House speaker, the party's fourth nominee for the job since Kevin McCarthy was ousted as speaker three weeks ago. What do you think?Read more...
Diamondbacks Owner Admits Nothing Will Top Beating Yankees After 9/11
ARLINGTON, TX-When asked about whether he was looking forward to his team's upcoming World Series matchup against the Texas Rangers, Arizona Diamondbacks owner Ken Kendrick admitted to reporters Friday that nothing would ever top his team beating the New York Yankees right after 9/11. Sure, winning another World...Read more...
Oil And Gas Lobbyists Happy To Fill In Rest Of Nation On Who Mike Johnson Is
WASHINGTON-Claiming the new House speaker to be one of their nearest and dearest colleagues, oil and gas lobbyists told reporters Thursday they would be happy to fill in the rest of the nation on who Louisiana Rep. Mike Johnson is. Mike is just an incredibly humble guy, so the public might not be aware that he's an...Read more...
Dust Settles To Find Mike Johnson Named Speaker, President, Pope, Supreme Court Justice, U.N. Secretary General, Dalai Lama, Conductor Of The Vienna Philharmonic
WASHINGTON-Following weeks of uncertainty as a leaderless U.S. House of Representatives failed to reach a consensus, the dust finally settled Wednesday as Mike Johnson was officially named house speaker, president, pope, supreme court justice, U.N. secretary general, Dalai Lama, and conductor of the Vienna...Read more...
A Timeline Of The GOP House Speaker Debacle
After struggling to coalesce around a new House speaker for more than three weeks following the ouster of Kevin McCarthy, Republicans have confirmed Mike Johnson of Louisiana in the role. The Onion looks at the key moments of the GOP speakership debacle.Read more...
Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson Waxwork To Be Redesigned After Actor Criticizes Skin Color
Dwayne Johnson announced on Instagram that he is reaching out to the Musee Grevin in Paris after it unveiled a botched wax figure of the A-list Hollywood star with a much lighter skin tone. What do you think?Read more...
Most Popular Halloween Candy In Every State
Americans across the country love to celebrate the spookiest day of the year by stuffing their faces with sweet treats. The Onion examines the most popular Halloween candy in every state.
Pumpkin Carving Tips
Carving jack-o'-lanterns from pumpkins is one of the most fun and rewarding Halloween activities. The Onion offers tips for pumpkin carving that will make your jack-o'-lantern the envy of the neighborhood.Read more...
NBA Drug Tests Ben Simmons After 9-Point Explosion
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Ex-Florida Rep Who Penned ‘Don’t Say Gay Bill’ Jailed On Fraud Charges
Joe Harding, a former Florida lawmaker who sponsored the controversial Don't Say Gay" bill, has been sentenced to six months in federal prison for defrauding the government of $150,000 in pandemic aid. What do you think?Read more...
Trump’s Closest Allies Explain Why They’re Flipping On The Former President
After codefendants Jenna Ellis, Sidney Powell, and Kenneth Chesebro pleaded guilty in the Georgia election interference case and agreed to testify, The Onion asked Donald Trump's closest allies why they're flipping on the former president, and this is what they said.Read more...
U.S. Warns A Gaza Ceasefire Would Only Benefit Humanity
WASHINGTON-Explaining why the United States would not call on Israel to end its continuous airstrikes on Palestinian civilians, the White House warned Wednesday that a ceasefire in Gaza would only serve to benefit humanity. We know there are voices across the world calling for a ceasefire, but what everyone needs to...Read more...
Ex-Trump Falconer Pleads Guilty In Fraud Case
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Celebrities Sign Letter That Declares They’re Signing A Letter
LOS ANGELES-In a stirring message of solidarity with the message-writing format, over 350 celebrities reportedly joined together Wednesday to sign a letter declaring that they were signing a letter. We, the undersigned, declare that we are adding our names to the bottom of this letter," the message read in part,...Read more...
Astronomers Discover Distant Exoplanet Capable Of Harboring Terrorists
CAMBRIDGE, MA-Having obtained a vital piece of intelligence that could prove critical to the United States in its war on terror, astronomers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Wednesday the discovery of a distant exoplanet that is capable of harboring terrorists. After carefully analyzing the...Read more...
Courtroom Artist Hopes Next Defendant A Bowl Of Fruit
OLYMPIA, WA-Noting that it would be the perfect opportunity to practice shading, color, and light, local courtroom artist Allen Jansen told reporters Wednesday that he hoped his next defendant was a bowl of fruit. I'll be honest, the figure work is great and all, but I'd give anything for the bailiff to escort a...Read more...
Jada Pinkett Smith Announces She's Pregnant With Chris Rock’s Baby
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Fans React To Britney Spears’ Tell-All Memoir
Following a number of controversial revelations in the book, The Onion asked fans what they thought about the Britney Spears' tell-all memoir, and this is what they said.Read more...
SAG-AFTRA Tells Actors To Avoid Halloween Costume Characters From Struck Studios
SAG-AFTRA issued new guidance for strike-friendly" Halloween costumes, advising its members to dress up as generalized characters, such as zombies and spiders, over specific characters featured in content from companies the union is striking against. What do you think?Read more...
Everything J.K. Rowling Would Be Willing To Do To Protect Her Anti-Trans Views
As one of the biggest victims of persecution in her own mind, author J.K. Rowling recently announced how far she would be willing to go to protect her anti-trans views, and this is what she said.Read more...
Kamala Harris Stands At Border Punching Empty Palm With Fist
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Gazan Refreshed After Taking Weekend To Unplug From News
KHAN YUNIS, GAZA-Having enjoyed a much-needed break from the constant coverage of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, local Gazan Amir Najjar told reporters Monday he felt refreshed after taking the weekend to unplug from the news. Seeing all these videos of bombs killing innocent people can be stressful, so to clear...Read more...
Men Explain Why They Prefer AI Girlfriends
With incels across the country growing increasingly lonely and pathetic, The Onion asked men to explain why they prefer AI girlfriends, and this is what they said.Read more...
Airbnb Host Jacks Up Price In Case Upcoming Annual Spooktacular Event At Local Library Brings In Tourists
JASONVILLE, IN-Not wanting to miss out on the huge moneymaking opportunity, local Airbnb host Keith Lowery told reporters Monday he had jacked up the price on his listing in case the upcoming annual Spooktacular event at his town's library brought in tourists. There's bobbing for apples and a design-your-own paper...Read more...
Report: Free Dead Bodies Buried Underground Seemingly For The Taking
CHARLOTTE, SC-Alerting the public to the deal of the century," sources confirmed Monday that a number of free dead bodies buried underground were seemingly there for the taking. None of these headstones have price tags, so I'm guessing they're just giving away these corpses," said bargain hunter Lewis Scheer,...Read more...
New California Law Legalizes Lowrider Cruising
California Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) signed a bill into law that legalizes lowrider cruising, a cultural and artistic tradition of customizing cars with a lowered body developed by Latinos living in the state, ending a decades-long ban on the popular pastime. What do you think?Read more...
Grammer Schooled
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Travis Kelce Delivers Inspiring Halftime Speech About What Sex With Taylor Swift Like
KANSAS CITY, MO-In an effort to rally his teammates, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly delivered an inspiring halftime speech Sunday about what sex with Taylor Swift was like. We were all sitting there feeling weary, and Travis could tell, so he just stood up and started telling us what it's like...Read more...
Marvel Fans React To Martin Scorsese’s ‘Killers Of The Flower Moon’
In a controversial opinion piece penned for The New York Times, acclaimed film director Martin Scorcese argued that Marvel movies cannot be classified as cinema. The Onion asked fans of the action movie franchise what they thought of Scorcese's latest film, Killers Of The Flower Moon, and this is what they said.Read more...
Man Convicted Over Antisemitic Message Projected On Anne Frank House
A Polish-Canadian man has been convicted for projecting Ann [sic] Frank invented the ballpoint pen" onto the Anne Frank House museum, the message alluding to an antisemitic conspiracy theory that the famed diary was a forgery. What do you think?Read more...
Jonas Brothers Reveal They Sometimes Try To Secretly Trade Places Like Identical Twins Except Everyone Notices
LOS ANGELES-Explaining that their close bond as siblings had led them to occasionally experiment and play pranks, the Jonas brothers revealed to reporters Friday that they sometimes try to secretly trade places like identical twins, except everyone notices. Sometimes I'll show up to a gathering with friends and...Read more...
Woman Claiming She From Chicago Technically From Magical Fantasy Land Inside Wardrobe
CHICAGO-Saying she apparently believes she grew up close enough to the city to count it as her hometown, acquaintances of Lucy Paden, a woman who claims she is from Chicago, confirmed Friday the 31-year-old is actually from a magical fantasy land hidden inside an enchanted wardrobe. I guess she just figures it's...Read more...
Dad Being Rude To Mom In Front Of Her Sisters And Everything
IRVINE, CA-Appearing taken aback as the man's behavior only got worse, sources confirmed Friday that local father Russell Shaffer was being rude to his wife Elisa Shaffer in front of her sisters and everything. Man, he's barely even playing it off as a joke," said the alarmed sources, who noted that the dad's...Read more...
Frustrated Robert Kraft Wishes There Were Somewhere He Could Go To Relieve Tension Of Patriots Season
BOSTON-Expressing his frustration with the franchise's 1-5 start, New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft told reporters Friday that he wishes there were somewhere he could go to relieve the tensions of the team's season. This season has gone from bad to worse, and I only wish there were some way I could get some...Read more...
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