The Onion

MIDDLETOWN, OH-Shocked by the trove of mysterious compositions, household sources revealed Wednesday that a bench near the piano had been secretly hiding several books about music. My God-ragtime classics, Disney favorites, A Charlie Brown Christmas-does anyone else know about this?" said one source, marveling over...Read more...

PARADISE, NV-Expressing bewilderment at the utter lack of spectacle during the jam band's four-night run in the state-of-the-art entertainment arena, disappointed Phish fans confirmed this week that they were really expecting more from the Sphere's visuals than a projection of the group's website URL. Given what a...Read more...

VATICAN-Their excitement reaching a fever pitch as they awaited the supreme pontiff's appearance for a papal audience, a wild St. Peter's Basilica crowd grew increasingly fired up Wednesday as they tossed around inflatable crucifixes, Holy See sources confirmed. Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy...Read more...

Nike came under fire recently after its women's uniforms for the U.S. Olympic track and field team appeared far more needlessly revealing than the men's. The Onion asked female athletes how they felt about the outfits, and this is what they said.Read more...

Being his sexual plaything doesn't seem so bad once you realize you get to wake up to amazing views on his private island every day!Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA-Conceding that the ethical dilemmas raised by holding onto such an artifact had proven too great, Harvard University announced Wednesday the demolition of Houghton Library, an edifice covered in tanned human skin. After careful consideration and consultation with experts in the field, the administration...Read more...

TAOS, NM-Returning the snacks to the cupboard a few bites before everything in his life would have fallen into place, local man Mario Rossi stopped one Oreo short of successfully eating away all of his problems, sources reported Wednesday. Well, I've certainly had enough of those," the 35-year-old said to himself,...Read more...

NEW YORK-Violating the judge's order prohibiting the former president from killing his one-time fixer, Donald Trump was held in contempt of court Tuesday after stabbing Michael Cohen to death with a ballpoint pen. Given the defendant's willful and repeated refusal to comply with this court's instruction not to shank...Read more...

CARMEL, IN-Though they had previously approved the style and color, a damning new report released Tuesday found that someone wasn't wearing the shirt their wife picked out for them. Sources confirmed that someone, who shall remain nameless, had shown up to a nice dinner party in a shirt that was not the one from the...Read more...

THE HEAVENS-Saying He did not expect the species to forgive Him, a tearful God, Our Lord and long-supposed Heavenly Father, admitted to reporters Tuesday that He kidnapped human beings 4,000 years ago to raise them as His own children. I'm so sorry-I know I've always said you were created in My image, but that's not...Read more...

MISSOULA, MT-Bringing significant attention to the fact that the person who gave birth to you has carnal needs and desires just like anyone else, a report released inside your head Tuesday confirmed that your mother is a sexual creature. We can conclude without reservation that the woman who brought you into this...Read more...

Tesla recently sought shareholder approval to restore Elon Musk's $56 billion pay package, which was rejected by a Delaware judge. The Onion asked Tesla fans to explain why Elon Musk deserves the $56 billion payout.Read more...

JERSEY CITY-Lurking ominously as her unsuspecting prey lay naked with his clothes strewn at the foot of the bed, local man Greg Jensen's girlfriend peeked up over his torso during a blow job Monday like a gator in the bayou. According to terrified sources, Jensen's girlfriend, much like an amphibious killer roaming...Read more...

The so-called Western dating crisis has condemned countless men to a solitary life in which they cannot experience the joy of having a wife who exists solely to feed and pleasure them. The Onion explores how the terrifying epidemic of male loneliness could finally be solved if someone were to invent and sell robot...Read more...

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AURORA, IL-Wondering aloud to himself why they made those things so damn small, local dad Henry Jackson reportedly blew through 10 of his child's snack packs in one sitting Monday. Goddamn, no matter how many of these I eat, I'm still hungry," said the father of two, who, in the span of a single commercial break...Read more...

SALISBURY, NC-Stressing that he did not need to put up with that kind of attitude, a local skydiving instructor reported Monday that he was not going to open the parachute until you changed your tone. To be honest, I feel like I deserve more respect than what you're giving me right now, especially when you're the one...Read more...

I mean, let's be real, the kitchen is gorgeous and all the hardwood floors are completely original and in impeccable condition, but Ohio? Come on. We don't even know where Powell is.Read more...

DENVER-Insisting a third party be present when they made the announcement, the nation's therapists held a press conference Monday in which they refused to see you anymore because you scare them. I'm sorry, but it frightens us how disturbed and unwell you are, and because of that, we cannot continue on with you as our...Read more...

REDWOOD CITY, CA-As the woman held her newborn baby for the first time and acknowledged that she wasn't exactly sure what she was expecting, sources confirmed Monday that it was unclear why local 36-year-old Rose Jeffries thought the thing she just pushed out of her vagina would be cute. Well, I guess that's egg on...Read more...

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ROME-Following comments that drew an immediate backlash for what critics called an inappropriate and self-serving analogy, sources confirmed Friday that Zebedee Peters, a man who is currently being crucified by the Romans, has continued to arrogantly compare his plight to that of Jesus Christ. Look, I feel for...Read more...

WASHINGTON-Drawing swift backlash from critics concerned about the agency's spending, the Internal Revenue Service came under fire Friday for blowing $350 million to develop a massively multiplayer tax-filing video game entitled Tales Of Revenue. When I first downloaded it from IRS.gov, I thought it'd just be a...Read more...

WASHINGTON-With worms in the pile of plant debris already starting to eat away at the late president's flesh, veteran White House gardener Dale Haney told reporters Thursday he had found a rotting Joe Biden in a compost bin on the South Lawn of the executive mansion. Oh, man, the poor little guy must've fallen in...Read more...

LOS ANGELES-Noting that the highly anticipated biopic had always been a dream project, sources confirmed Thursday that Martin Scorsese would direct Leonardo DiCaprio as Frank Sinatra for the rest of their lives. After working together on six different films, Scorsese is beyond excited to team up with Leo and bring...Read more...

LOS ANGELES-Circulating online via a Google Drive link, an alleged leak of Taylor Swift's The Tortured Poets Department left fans speculating Thursday that the new album would be all about the artist's sink not draining good because it was clogged by long hair. Swift subverted expectations that she would address her...Read more...

Iowa women's basketball star Caitlin Clark was selected by the Indiana Fever as the first overall pick in the highly anticipated 2024 WNBA draft. The Onion investigates the pros and cons of the 22-year-old phenom going to play for the Women's National Basketball Association.Read more...

CHAMPAIGN, IL-As she struggled to pull open the cafe door with an armful of books, friends of local woman Fela Torres reported Wednesday that the drama queen was, as usual, seeking everyone's attention and obviously hoping the sad display would lead to one of them asking where her other arm went. Oh Lord, I wonder...Read more...

RACINE, WI-Touting the product as a quick, easy way to take the putrid stench out of expired goods, household brand Glade announced Wednesday that it had released a brand-new meat freshener spray. With Glade's new meat freshener spray, say goodbye to animal products with rotting, foul odors, and hello to...Read more...

RESTON, VA-Documenting how spiraling loop-de-loops through traffic help workers speed past rush-hour bottlenecks, a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Transportation Engineering found that rocket-powered roller skates were still the fastest way to commute to eccentric inventor jobs. Even in areas with access...Read more...

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Though most incarnations of the superhero have been male, it was recently announced that Julia Garner would play a female Silver Surfer in a new Fantastic Four movie. The Onion asked Marvel fans why the Silver Surfer could never be a woman, and this is what they said.Read more...

WASHINGTON-Calling the elaborate heist a surefire way to keep unemployment rates low while combating inflation, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen unveiled a plan Wednesday to boost the U.S. economy by stealing the largest gem-quality diamond ever found. The Cullinan Diamond has been behind lock and key in England...Read more...

WASHINGTON-Warning that sweet, innocent little Americans should know by now to mind their own business, a blood-drenched Attorney General Merrick Garland began a televised press conference Wednesday by telling the nation it didn't see any of that. Look, I don't know what all 340 million of you think you just saw, but...Read more...

NEW YORK-In a long-awaited initiative that city officials said would ease the stress of busy, on-the-go New Yorkers, Mayor Eric Adams announced Wednesday the launch of a new shareable e-cig program that serves high-density areas throughout the five boroughs. It's as easy as swiping your card and taking a drag," said...Read more...

Take our test to see if you're enough of a shameless, unethical degenerate to serve on the jury of former President Donald Trump's criminal trial in New York.Read more...

DUBLIN, CA-Seconds after the small red dot from a laser-sighted weapon appeared on a slice of complimentary focaccia, witnesses at local restaurant Berevino reported Tuesday they had seen sharpshooting mother Kathy Denton snipe the bread out of her daughter's hands from 800 meters away. Everyone be very careful-no...Read more...

Ippei Mizuhara, the interpreter for Shohei Ohtani, allegedly stole $16 million from the Dodgers star and lost $40 million while gambling with the funds. The Onion asked sports bettors to explain how they would have used the money, and this is what they said.Read more...

NEW YORK-Provided with a bullish catalyst as the world was cast into perpetual darkness, brimstone stocks rose Tuesday on news that the Antichrist had ushered in the Age of Eternal Misery. Common shares of brimstone surged to all-time highs after the Antichrist announced a new era of pestilence and never-ending woe,"...Read more...