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A year ago today, my brilliant predecessor, Dodai Stewart, announced our little blog’s existence with a rhetorical question that also served as a philosophical one: “What the Hell Is Splinter?” The question could just as easily have been: How (and why) the hell do you start a new website in 2017?

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we’re talking about knives, bad recipes, slip and slides, poop, and more.

With the Cavaliers’ title hopes whisked away by the hand of LeBron James, the Cavs were presented with an easy opportunity to clear the roster and start over. That would have started with them trading Kevin Love, the last remaining star on the team who had one year left on his deal. But trade destinations for Love…Read more...

K2 is perhaps the most dangerous mountain in the world. One in every four people who makes an attempt to summit it dies, and nobody has ever climbed it in winter. Only 300 or so people have ever even reached the peak of K2, and its relatively northern location makes it a particularly unpredictable mountain to tame.

The Nationals are an underachieving team that is reaching that point in the season when everyone starts to get really pissy about all the underachieving. Over the weekend, Stephen Strasburg and Max Scherzer got into a dugout tiff after Strasburg got knocked around by the Braves. On Monday night, Trea Turner laid down…Read more...

Whenever Jacob deGrom takes the hill for the Mets, there’s a certain level of excellence that you can expect to see from the spindly 30-year-old. He has, after all, only given up more than three earned runs in a start once this season. That means that whenever deGrom is pitching, all the Mets have to do is score a few…Read more...

Philippe Gilbert was leading the Tour de France breakaway down the descent of the Portet d’Aspet when he played a corner wrong, locked his wheel up, and vaulted headfirst over a little rock ledge. It’s the worst sort of crash, though Gilbert did scrub some speed before eating shit. That may have saved him—he was able…Read more...

Nearly three years to the day since since HBO first announced it was hiring Bill Simmons, the network has revealed its decision to keep the Sports Guy on board for another few years.Read more...

Australian racing superman Daniel Ricciardo made guzzling victory champagne out of your shoe famous, but Billy Monger—the teen racer who lost both his legs in a devastating British Formula 4 race in 2017—just one-upped him and everybody else who’s ever done a “shoey” in a big way.

Yankees catcher Gary Sanchez is not a complete player, but his offensive skills more than make up for for his questionable defense and occasionally suspect effort. There’s a reason he was an all-star last year and rookie of the year runner-up the year before that. His bat is a beast, and the Yankees will happily…Read more...

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As he was questioned by lawyers in 2015 over and over again about what he did and did not know about sexual abuse suffered by Olympic athletes, then-U.S. Olympic Committee lawyer Gary Johansen made a choice. No matter the question, no matter which lawyer asked it, Johansen did not say “child abuse,” he did not say…Read more...

Anker’s Eufy RoboVac and its ilk have been massive hits with our readers, and if you’re still doing the vacuuming in your house manually, you can save $50 on two different models, and finally outsource that chore to a robot.

Daniel Poncedeleon made his big-league debut Monday night, 14 months after a comebacker hit him in the temple in a minor-league game and very nearly ended his career. And what a debut it was! Poncedeleon left the game after the seventh inning, having thrown 116 pitches without allowing a single hit. Just three…Read more...

Jake Bauers socked a three-run dinger in the fifth inning tonight against the Yankees. That’s cool. It’s cool to sock dingers, especially against the abominable Yankees. But Bauers’s best highlight from Monday night came in the bottom of the first inning, when he scored from second base on a passed ball, aided by some…Read more...

Ohio State has reportedly fired wide receivers coach Zach Smith, three days after his ex-wife filed a domestic violence civil protection order against him, and just about two months after Smith was charged with criminal trespassing in mid May. OSU’s statement was brief:Read more...

Iowa Hawkeyes defensive lineman Brady Reiff was arrested Saturday morning after thinking that a police car was a cab. Yeah right, like campus police would ever help a student who had too much to drink!

The 25th running of the Hardrock 100 ultramarathon took place this weekend, with 114 of the 146 runners who started the race making it the full 100.5 miles. Of the 32 who didn’t finish, 30 fell short of completing the arduous race, while two were controversially disqualified.Read more...

This past spring, Michael Ferro resigned as chairman of publicly traded media-looting hell-company Tronc, Inc., just ahead of the publication of sexual harassment allegations against him. As a parting gift, Tronc paid him $15 million, voluntarily bundling up the total value of a three-year consulting contract into one…Read more...

We see a lot of deals around the web over on Kinja Deals, but these were our ten favorites today.

The Papa John’s board of directors announced late last night that they would be adopting something that’s known in the business industry as a “limited duration stockholder rights plan.” This is an attempt to prevent Papa “John” Schnatter from reasserting his control over his eponymous company, which has done almost…Read more...

Last year, the Washington Wizards underperformed both out of sheer ingrained habit and because some of the most important people on the team just absolutely fucking hated some of the other most important people on the team. On Monday, the team introduced Dwight Howard, the veteran big man that the team signed to…Read more...

The Oakland A’s are no strangers to bizarre late-game plays, and the San Francisco Giants forced extra innings in Oakland on Saturday night by scoring in rather controversial fashion. With the A’s only needing one more out to win the game, Hunter Pence smacked a grounder that snuck past first base and headed straight…Read more...

Germany and Arsenal midfielder Mesut Ozil announced his retirement from international soccer on Sunday, citing racism from fans, criticism of a photo he took with Turkish president Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, and unfair scapegoating by German’s top soccer officials. For no obvious reason, Bayern Munich president and 1974…Read more...

A well-respected neuropsychologist once told me he thought the media was getting the concussion stuff all wrong. The headlines are all bad, he lamented, all the “Football is killing kids” doom-and-gloom stuff. His entire professional life, he reminded me, had been dedicated to treating concussions, particularly in…Read more...

Wallace is an 11-year-old mule who used to annoy Irish villagers by eating their flowers. After a lengthy battle over his right to compete in dressage, he is now a winner and hero to common beasts.

Alex Kennedy of HoopsHype has posted some excellent videos that track the evolution of specific player avatars in NBA video games over the last two decades. By far the most cursed sequence is Dirk Nowitzki’s. If you were expecting a steady, linear progression from “Not Dirk” to “Okay that’s Dirk” as the various games’…Read more...

Doug Harris, the Washington Nationals’ assistant GM and vice president of player personnel, holds a significant position in the organization—and yet, even an MLB team executive has to resort to asking the public to help cover his medical costs.Read more...

The parent company of the New York Daily News reduced the 99 year-old tabloid’s newsroom staff by approximately 50 percent on Monday, and the sports department was especially hard hit. Per multiple reports, a sports staff of roughly 35 people was reduced to nine, including just five writers.Read more...

The ex-wife of current Ohio State wide receivers coach Zach Smith has filed a domestic violence civil protection order against him following Smith’s arrest for criminal trespassing, according to a report from Brett McMurphy. The filing of the protection order also illuminates past details of Smith’s criminal…Read more...

The United States Anti-Doping Agency announced this morning that jolly bro airhead Ryan Lochte would be suspended for 14 months for “his use of a prohibited method.” As the language of USADA’s release hints at, Lochte’s is not a normal doping violation, which is not surprising since Lochte is not a normal swimming guy.

Wonderteen Christian Pulisic willed Borussia Dortmund to a 3-1 victory over Liverpool in the International Champions Cup on Sunday, in front of 55,447 of his countrymen in Charlotte. The 19-year-old subbed in at halftime with his team down 1-0 and promptly took the game over.Read more...

This weekend’s Tour de France stages were relatively inert, as two Astana riders won from breakaways and the main general classification contenders opted to save their bullets for this week’s ramble through the Pyrenees. Riders have three punishing days in the mountains to look forward to this week, including a 65-km…Read more...

Browns wide receiver Josh Gordon, who has spent the majority of his NFL career suspended for violating the league’s substance abuse policy, looked all set to start the 2018 season with a clean slate. This morning, however, he released this worrisome statement indicating that he will not be with the team when training…Read more...

Masanori “Masa” Saito, known as Mr. Saito to a generation of American wrestling fans, passed away at the age of 76 last weekend following a long struggle with Parkinson’s Disease. An Olympic freestyle wrestler in 1964, Saito was a legendarily hard man and among the most universally respected people in the wrestling…Read more...

The worst-kept secret of the All-Star Game was that then-Orioles shortstop Manny Machado was heading to the Dodgers, in a trade that wouldn’t be announced until after the break—to avoid the awkwardness of Machado wearing an Orioles uniform in the ASG and head off the possibility of his story overshadowing what’s…Read more...

Polls! You can’t trust ‘em! Don’t believe me? Get a load of this shit, from Big Poll, no less:Read more...

The Brewers lost to the Dodgers 11-2 in nine innings on Sunday, but they stopped trying to win in the seventh, when utility man Hernan Perez went to the mound to throw two innings of relief. Perez, one of two Milwaukee position players to try their luck at hurling in the game, acquitted himself nicely by not allowing…Read more...

Sunday outrage gives way to Monday fact-checking. If you were one of the people who (reasonably) got very angry at a short video clip appearing to show an adult Cubs fan intercepting a ball meant for a child, you can stand down. The man, it now appears, is a good guy who does not deserve this at all, and indeed gave…Read more...

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Tiger Woods’ hopes of winning British Open championship came to end at the same time as one fan’s hopes of leaving Carnoustie without any bruises. With Tiger in sole position of the lead on the 11th hole, his second shot took a wrong turn somewhere in the sky and smacked a gallery member to the ground. Thankfully…Read more...

Cardinals pitcher Daniel Poncedeleon will be called up by St. Louis today and start tonight’s game against the Reds, making his big-league debut little more than a year after an injury suffered on the mound put his career—and maybe his life—in jeopardy. “Talk about a comeback story,” new Cards manager Mike Shildt said…Read more...

The Mets have spent an MLB-high $39.5 million on players on the disabled list in 2018, almost $2 million more than the next highest team on the list, and a full $12 million more than the third highest. I am going to guess the dollars they spend on Noah Syndergaard’s new ailment are the weirdest they will spend this…Read more...

Mesut Özil retired from German international soccer Sunday, in a lengthy statement released on Twitter. Özil says the fallout from a photo he took with Turkish president Recep Tayyip Erdoğan in May lays bare a kind of racism he’s subjected to as a German with Turkish heritage, and that “enough is enough.”Read more...

Francesco Molinari of Italy won The Open Championship Sunday, following up his third-round 65 with a final-round 69 to finish two shots clear of the field and capture his first career major title. He is not the hero of the tournament. Nor is Tiger Woods the hero, even after his stirring two day charge up the…Read more...

Minnesota Vikings offensive line coach Tony Sparano died suddenly Sunday morning, according to a statement from the Vikings:Read more...

Future Mets savior—and possible capital-S Savior—Tim Tebow landed on the disabled list Saturday after suffering a hand injury earlier in the week. Per a WBNG report:Read more...

Matt Carpenter’s current streak of just absurd production started on July 14, with a double and a home run in the middle game of a series against the Reds. He homered again the following night, this time in a win, to enter the All-Star break on a nice two-day run of slugging excellence.Read more...