Schlock Mercenary

I took the advantage of $5.00 movie day at the local cinema to see Jack Reacher: Never Go Back. It’s pretty much exactly what you’d expect from an espionage/action movie, down to the last trope, but I enjoyed it a lot. My favorite bit was seeing Cobie Smulders‘ name in the opening credits, and before I could fully squee out, up came Aldis Hodge‘s name. Smulders is Maria Hill in the Marvel films, and Hodge was Alec Hardison in all five seasons of Leverage, and let’s just say I was far more excited to see those actors again than I was to see Tom Cruise¹. Jack Reacher: Never Go Back doesn’t clear my Threshold of Awesome, but I liked it, and I think fans of the first film will, too. As will fans of Smulders and Hodge, who kind of made the movie for me. ¹ I like Tom Cruise movies, and I enjoy his work in them. There are a lot of them, though, so my excitement gets spread a little thin.

I’ve only seen parts of Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai, and it’s been so long since I saw 1960’s Magnificent Seven that I can’t recall any of the particulars beyond the presence of Yul Brynner and Steve McQueen. Contextually, then, I’m well suited to appreciate Antoine Fuqua’s Magnificent Seven for what it is, rather than for what it’s a remake of. I didn’t actually get around to seeing it until it had been out for a full month, but I’m glad I saw it in the theater. I really enjoyed myself (in part, perhaps because I was seeing it with my friend Alan.) The film didn’t need that much help from good company. I loved the performances from Vincent D’Onofrio, Chris Pratt, and Haley Bennett, and I thrilled at pretty much every one of the scenes that establishes how deadly our heroes are. I also liked that they were each distinctly different, and not just in terms of diverse casting—they all dealt death in different ways. In classical tragedy people are brought low by their flaws. Here, however, our heroes can die simply because there just aren’t enough good places to hide from the bullets¹. They can also die heroically, of course, and I won’t spoil who does what. I will, however, say that this remake does not improve the survival odds for the Seven². In the final analysis, of course, Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai is a groundbreaking piece of cinema, while Fuqua’s Magnificent Seven is just a cool cowboy movie. Still, I liked it. ¹ I believe there were too many bullets. The Gatling Gun in use in the film used a 40-ish round box magazine, which required the gunner to stop firing and reload. The Model 1881 Gatling Gun’s “Bruce Feed” mechanism (which they did not use in the film) would have allowed for continuous fire of roughly 400 rounds per minute. And even that might not have been enough for all the bullets I saw. ² The survival percentages of our heroes are equally not great in Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai³ and John Sturges Magnificent Seven⁴ . Both of them round up to 43%. ³ “In the end we lost this battle too. The victory belongs to the farmers, not to us.” ⁴ “The Old Man was right. Only the farmers won. We lost. We’ll always lose.”

[View the story “Howard Tayler, Sportsballcaster” on Storify]

You may now pre-order the Maxim 70 coin. We expect to be able to ship these out during the second week of November. “Maxim 70: Failure is not an option. It is mandatory. The option is whether or not to let failure be the last thing you do.”They are $10.00 each, and should make excellent gifts. Award one to someone¹ whose persistence you admire, or to someone who needs a leg up over a recent failure. Or perhaps you might carry one in your own pocket as a tactile reminder of your own passion for standing back up after having been knocked down. Our first run of these is limited to 500. The Schlock Patreon supporters got a head-start, and we’re down to 250 as of this writing. We’ll order another 500 if it looks like we’re going to sell out, and if that happens this week we should take delivery of the second order in plenty of time to ship everything in time for Christmas. There’s no difference between the two runs, and we’re not numbering the coins. ¹The practice of awarding a coin to someone who has performed a service, or has otherwise acted in a notable manner, is about 75 years old. We’ve chronicled a bit of that in this free PDF: An Unofficial Anecdotal History of Challenge Coins, which was funded by our Kickstarter backers in 2013.

A couple of weeks ago someone told me I was being quoted in Civilization VI, but I couldn’t spot the reference. This morning someone again pointed me at the play-through video, right to the the 8:20 mark, and it’s true, I was quoted in Civ VI. I talked about it a bit on Twitter. Here’s a crop from the graphic that accompanies the moment where Sean Bean totally reads some dialog I wrote. Funny thing: I didn’t remember having written that line. I had to Google it, and fortunately it appears in the comic during the years where transcripts are searchable. I didn’t ask for this placement, and I wasn’t paid for it¹. It’s what we call “fair use,” and “awesome.” Something I wrote eleven years ago resonated with the developers of Civilization VI, and so they quoted it² in their game.

We’ve been wanting to make some new challenge coins for a while now. Our hope is to have at least two designs done, die-struck, and delivered in time for Christmas. This is the first one. It’ll be simple struck brass, with an antique gold finish. No colors, no resin domes, just metal. I love all the coins we’ve made, but this design really speaks to me. I look forward to having this in my pocket, serving as a reminder that I’m allowed to make mistakes. The second coin we’ve planned is the Bristlecone ship coin, similar in design to the previous ship coins we’ve done. It’s not done yet, so no pictures. Watch this space. Pre-orders will open soon, perhaps as early as next week. The coins will be $10 each, plus shipping.

Back in 2010 I tried In-N-Out, and did not like it. There was nothing setting the burger and fries apart from those served at other fast food restaurants, except that it somehow felt greasier. I ordered the fries “animal style” because I was told to. As it happens, that’s an awesome suggestion for people who want a fried potato casserole, but it’s less awesome for people who like to eat french fries. Today I figured out that it’s almost certainly not what the In-N-Out apologists in my various feeds wanted me to try. Today I asked for “animal style” on a burger. Specifically, I said “double double animal style,” and attempted to adopt a tone that suggested I was an old hand at this, rather than someone who had not ordered food here in six years. What arrived was kind of amazing, with a flavor I hadn’t had before, and I can totally see myself getting that burger again. I don’t know what “mustard fried patty” actually means, but I can taste the scorched mustard under the other sauces, and their combination with the extra pickles and the grilled onions was quite nice. It stuck to the paper it was wrapped in, but rather than hold that against them I chalked it up to ordering cheese-infused food from a place that wraps its food in paper. But I’m now led to ask this question: why isn’t In-N-Out leading with that sandwich? Despite being made of essentially the same stuff you’d find in any burger joint, the animal style sandwich sets itself apart from other fast food offerings by tasting different. It’s the sort of thing that foodies at fancy restaurants might call a signature dish. It’s a menu item that will bring people back to your specific restaurant, assuming they like the dish, and want to put it into themselves a second time. It’s not quite good enough to send me code-diving on a voyage of exploration deep into the In-N-Out menu, but I can now see why folks might do that, and how this pursuit would lead them to acquire the taste necessary to zealously insist that In-N-Out is the best. I don’t agree, but the double-double animal style is a tasty sandwich I’ll be having again.

Technically Raiders of the Lost Shark isn’t actually unwatchable. K.B. Spangler and I did watch it, after all. We shouldn’t have. It’s not “so bad it’s funny” or “so bad it’s good.” It’s “so bad I can’t imagine how it happened.” Anyway, we live-tweeted our viewing, and then K.B. posted a Storify of the session. Enjoy!¹ [View the story “RAIDERS OF THE LOST SHARK” on Storify] ¹Enjoy the Storify. Stay away from the movie.

Sandra and I are on our way home from Sint Maarten, dieseling across the eastern Caribbean with 180 fellow Writing Excuses Retreat delegates. The event has been delightful. We still have a full day at sea tomorrow, so it’s not over, but Oasis of the Seas is not stopping again until Ft Lauderdale. That wake behind us is going to be a constant feature for the next 36 hours. This largest-ship-in-the-world class of vessel is amazing, but I think I like my gargantunormous floating resorts a bit smaller. And the plan, as of this writing, is for next year’s Writing Excuses Retreat (#WXR17) to be held on a smaller ship on a different patch of ocean. We’re still finalizing the details (and getting the best prices we can) but I’m authorized to tell you that we’re going to Europe, and that the cruise will be timed to let delegates debark in time for a quick flight to Helsinki, for the World Science Fiction Convention. I’ll post full details here and at writingexcuses.com in advance of registration opening. The plan (again, as of this writing) is to open registration on January 1st of 2017. You probably want a full convention report before considering attending. I’ll make sure to post links to reports from attendees. Their voices carry more weight than mine, so it’s better for you (and easiest for me!) if I simply amplify.