Schlock Mercenary

Welcome to the new Schlock Mercenary website. We've been using this as a mirror for a while, but as of March 2nd, 2016, this is the real deal. Domain name servers have been told that "schlockmercenary.com" resolves to 107.182.233.229, instead of the old address of 174.142.192.186. A few notes:

Beyond saying that Lar DeSouza is a wonderful person, and an outstanding artist, I present to you his gift to me with 27 words of no commentary whatsoever.

Beyond saying that Lar DeSouza is a wonderful person, and an outstanding artist, I present to you his gift to me with 27 words of no commentary whatsoever.

The folks who say "oh, that means you're only..." when they find out someone is born on Leap Day are probably not TRYING to be mean, but let's think about this for a moment. Calling an 8-year-old "two" is kind of hurtful, because they're finally coming into the full flush of sapience, and are now being told they're a toddler. Calling a 12-year-old "three" is rotten, because they get accused of being babies any time they complain about something. And calling a 16-year-old "four" is simply bad form because calling a 16-year-old anything is like shooting depressed, teenaged fish in a barrel. By the time the "oh, that means you're only..." ends in a double-digit number, the leaper in question is forty, and has literally heard this same exact observation thousands of times. And while it shouldn't matter to a forty-year-old (or, in my case, a forty-eight-year-old,) there is this buzzing noise at the subconscious level that tries to remind them of the times this happened when it felt like it did matter, but since the unexamined life is pretty common, all the subconscious can affect is an eye-roll and an oddly disconnected sense of unease. Of course, by the time leapers are forty-eight, fifty-two, or seventy-six, folks are saying "it must be nice to only be...", which is both terribly unoriginal, and mostly inaccurate. If I could go back to being 12, I would not, and not just because every time I complained about something, somebody told me I was being a baby. I *like* being an adult. It has all kinds of perks, not least of which is a measure of power that allows me to address a great many of the matters about which I used to helplessly wail while throwing food and crying. In this vein, I think we should consider something a little fresher for adult leapers: instead of saying that only one in four of their birthdays counts toward their age, let's treat February 29th as a non-day of sorts, and only count the years that do NOT have a leap-day in them. Would I go back to being 36? Hmmm... that's actually tempting. I'd be young enough to eat richer foods, and old enough to know better than to throw them. (originally posted at howardtayler.com)

Gods of Egypt is a secondary world fantasy which, for reasons I cannot divine, was branded with Egyptian mythological names. It didn't need Egypt at all, and probably would have been stronger if it had dropped all pretense of being Egyptian, and simply told a story that stood up to the pretty amazing quality of the effects.The effects? So pretty. Some of the battle scenes are worthy of blockbuster summer releases, passing the tests of comprehensibility, story, and character arc while being a visual treat. Ra's ship, moving the sun across the sky? Stunning in its physics-defying absurdity, right up to the point that this might as well be a flat world scenario... and then lo, it's a flat world after all (with apologies to Walt Disney and Terry Pratchett.)The goddess whose bracelet prevents the demons of the netherworld from claiming her? SO COOL when she uses that bracelet for something reckless, stupid, and effective. It would have been even better if this had been her story, and hadn't been set in Fake Egypt, and hrr—I was going to add a third item to that "even better if" list, but the list ballooned into a script for a completely different movie so I deleted it.Gods of Egypt did manage one thing: it cleared my Threshold of Disappointment by virtue of being cool to look at when I was in the mood to simply look at cool stuff. It doesn't really qualify as a popcorn flick, and fails completely to leverage the mystique of ancient Egypt for anything other than the initial ticket sale. That alone promises to disappoint a large number of people who want more from their movie money than I wanted today.(originally posted at howardtayler.com)

I've been playing XCOM 2 lately. A full review is coming eventually. Until then, here are some screenshots which I dragged into Photoshop, and then applied artsy-filter stuff to.The Load Screen, which uses one of your soldiers from the active game fileOne of the many "Skyranger Returns" scenes XCom's soldiers RTB and report. The guy in front has a sad story about "this hurts."If you click on any of these you'll be rewarded with a 1920x1080 jpg that is nicely suited for use as a desktop wallpaper.Enjoy!(Note: These images would not be possible without the work of the passionate and brilliant artists and designers at Firaxis Studios. All I did was screen-grab, and then stylize. Mad props to the real heroes here!)(originally posted at howardtayler.com)

So far this year I've seen three movies, and all of them have been a lot of fun. Hail, Caesar currently sits at the bottom of my list, but it's well above the Threshold of Disappointment.Hail, Caesar is a movie for movie people. It's full of SAG in-jokes and homages that I'm sure I only caught a few of, since I did not major in film. It was still a lot of fun for me. It demands to be patiently watched, like you'd watch a sunset, or perhaps a neighbor's open window.Does that sound creepy? Well, parts of this movie had that same level of creepy in them. Bits that felt like a lampooning of American culture in the 1950's were lifted directly out of our history. It's creepy that stuff like that really happened.The jokes worked, and the musical numbers were wonderful, and the story itself, while seeming disjointed at first, was a really good one that I'm happy to have been told.(originally posted at howardtayler.com)

I am impressed.I was not expecting the Kung Fu Panda franchise to become an epic martial arts trilogy, but with Kung Fu Panda 3 the writers looked sequelitis in the eye, and then shot for the moon. Which they hit. This mixes at least two metaphors, but with the Dreamworks crescent moon logo in the blend I think I'm allowed the indulgence.Put another way, they took a big risk, and it paid off.Back in 2011 Kung Fu Panda 2 left me amazed, and more than a little surprised. The craft on display there was exemplary, and in all of the best ways. Kung Fu Panda 3 brought that same level of craft to the screen, and put paid on promises made in the first two movies. I'd say more, but some of the payoff is very much worth not spoiling.There's a line early on which I will spoil for you. (I'm quoting from memory, so please excuse any errors.)"If you only do what you can, you will never become more than you are." —Master Shifu (Dustin Hoffman)Kung Fu Panda 3 clears my Threshold of Awesome, and takes the #1 slot for the year. Not hard, given that as of this writing I've seen exactly two movies, but impressive nonetheless.(originally posted at howardtayler.com)

I enjoyed Deadpool, but I don't have any desire to see it again. I have a deep appreciation for a well-crafted joke, and Deadpool was full of those, but of necessity the jokes were contextualized with stuff I don't love sitting through.It's hard to figure out which side of the cart this horse should be on, and the cart itself is carrying a chicken and an egg. Is it gratuitous violence when commentary upon the gratuitous violence is part of the story? Taken as a whole, the movie works really well, but I only want to take it once. The other Marvel movies have been more inviting, and I've seen some of them several times (except the Wolverine origin story, which I saw exactly one more time than I wish I had. So, you know, once.)Films that demonstrate amazing understanding of the craft are usually a pleasure to watch, and re-watch. Deadpool was truly amazing in a great many ways, but while I had fun in the theater, I didn't have Threshold-of-Awesome fun. I will, however, concede that the craft on display in Deadpool was top-notch, and was perfect for that particular character.I'll slap a ranking on this one after I have seen a couple more movies this year. Kung Fu Panda 3 and Hail Caesar are next on my hit list. I'll be in touch.(originally posted at howardtayler.com)

Every so often I read a book and wish I could have thought of the stuff this author thought up. It's a little painful, and it's made even worse when I know the author personally, and find them intimidatingly intelligent. I am forced to come to grips with the fact that this idea was not just lying around for the first comer. It was secured deep in a cave full of puzzles, and monsters, and death that only an author-hero could courageously and successfully face, and the cave itself is hidden so well I don't even know how to find it.With Genrenauts, author Michael R. Underwood (perhaps best known for Geekomancy, Celebromancy, and Hexomancy) has created a setting in which he can spin stories that mess very engagingly with genre, setting, trope, and tale. The first of these stories is The Shootout Solution: Genrenauts, Episode 1. It's a fast, fun read, priced to move with the electronic edition currently at $2.99.The concept runs as follows: our world is part of a multiverse in which the stories we tell congeal into planes or dimensions that operate according to trope-laden rule sets. These areas can reflect back on us. A missing happily-ever-after can mean disaster in our world.As a creator I understand that the stories we tell say a lot about who we are. Commentary on these stories is a deconstruction of our culture, our beliefs, and even our minds. I have this sinking feeling that the Genrenauts series, with its raucous meta-commentary upon the stories of pop culture, is going to say important things that I might not be clever enough to catch the first time around because I'm too busy enjoying the books.And it's pretty easy to get lost in enjoying the story. Here's The Shootout Solution in four words: "spaceships, cowboys, and comediennes."Obligatory Disclaimer: At the bar at ConFusion two weeks ago Michael offered me the first Genrenauts book for free. I turned him down because it's easier for me to not lose a book on my nightstand if I buy it myself and put it in my Kindle app. Also, $2.99.Non-obligatory plug: The next book in the Genrenauts series, The Absconded Ambassador, is available for pre-order. It drops on February 23rd. I'm in.(this review originally appeared at howardtayler.com)