On the road: Nissan X-Trail car review – ‘I tried to race Ocado vans and lawnmowers’

It's not what you'd call poky" I was frankly incredulous at the top speed (as advertised)

However ugly your Nissan, you should always think, "It could be worse. I could be in a Cube." In the X-Trail (which everyone at once called the En-Trail, due to the random splashes of reflective red across the back, which made it look as if its guts were on the outside) the excesses of the brand are toned down. No twiddly bits, just solid respectability, seven seats, six speakers, five-inch screen behind the wheel, seven-inch screen for the maddeningly slow satnav, leather everywhere, all the signs of being a grownup and as much safety as you can pad into a car without taking its wheels off.

The Tekna is the range-topper, with a six-speed manual engine and 1.6 litres of petrolly promise that it didn't live up to. I got used to the shape, and when it came to say goodbye, you could say I almost liked it, and not just because it is hard not to like orange things once you get to know them. But it's heavy for its engine, and the acceleration is a bit pathetic. I caught the children making side eyes of embarrassment as I tried to race Ocado vans and lawnmowers off traffic lights. "There's no point pretending you're not with the car," I explained, "when you're in the car." "It's you we're pretending not to be with," they whispered. "It's your aggressive driving style and age-inappropriate hand gestures." So I sang Abba over the top and admired the power-opening panoramic roof.