The true, correct story of what happened at Donald Trump’s inauguration

Alexandra Petri covered Trump's inauguration, "written in compliance with the Trump style guidelines that we should have been obeying all along."

Bono, and Bruce Springsteen, and Elton John, and the Rolling Stones, and Beyonce, and all the top artists were there. They fought hard over who would be allowed to sing. Finally Bruce Springsteen won. Bono cried and cried, and the other artists had to console him. When Bruce Springsteen had finished singing, he walked over to Donald Trump, extended his hand, and said, "You are the only real hero left in the world."

The people were so excited that they built a very special stone pyramid just for Donald Trump so that he would not have to wait until he died to see what his monument would look like. But they were silly to be concerned. Donald Trump will never die!

Image: Wikipedia/Max Goldberg