National Enquirer succeeds where FBI and White House have failed, finding “Proof Obama Wiretapped Trump!"
Just when it seemed that the White House was backing away from Trump's "wiretap" allegations, when evidence seemed non-existent, and spin doctors desperately claimed that Trump simply meant he was under electronic surveillance or being spied on by cameras secreted in microwave ovens, the 'Enquirer' uncovers a farrago of "lies, leaks and illegal bugging."
What shocking new evidence does the 'Enquirer' expose? It explains that the National Security Agency's "Stellar Wind" data mining program, revealed in 2008 and detailed by Edward Snowden in 2013, "taps every American citizen's calls on a daily basis." Therefore Trump's calls were wiretapped. QED.
But not so fast - there's a huge difference between a program that scans massive amounts of data for patterns and irregularities, and an order to eavesdrop on a presidential candidate's private line. A FISA court's approved collection of metadata was halted in 2011 - long before Trump announced his candidacy - though massive American data collection continues. And the government has long argued that it collected phone metadata - toll records and phone numbers, rather than content - which again, is hardly "wire-tapping."
The 'Globe' also gets political with its cover story "FBI Find Clinton Secret Payoff Files!" Investigators seized incriminating financial documents during a grand jury-ordered search of the Clinton's homes in upstate New York and Washington, D.C., claims the 'Globe.' But there is no evidence that such a grand jury search warrant was ever issued, or that the Clinton homes were searched. The alleged "smoking gun" documents, which allegedly name "205 Wall Street execs, foreign leaders and Hollywood fat cats caught up in a $216 million pay-for-play scam" may simply not exist.
Perhaps the tabloids should stick to celebrity news, where their alternative facts and truth-challenged reportage are more at home.
"Reese Witherspoon's Stripping Disgrace!" screams an 'Enquirer' headline. Has the perky actress been swinging from a stripper pole lately? Of course not, though her step-sister allegedly has. Which makes it Witherspoon's disgrace?
Casey Anthony is lying when she claims not to know how her daughter died, reports the 'Enquirer' - because it put audio of her voice through a stress test. That's about as reliably scientific as a plastic Fortune Teller Fish that curls in the palm of your hand.
Modern Family actor Ed O'Neill is warned by the 'Globe' team of medically-trained health reporters: "Diet Or Die!" Based on photographic evidence the 'Globe' has decided he's overweight, which "is putting him at risk for at least 65 life-threatening illnesses, including cancer and heart disease." Angelina Jolie, on the other hand, has come "Back From The Brink," bouncing back from her "skeletal 76-pound weight" to now look "happier, healthier - and heavier." A "diet expert" is enlisted to declare: "She looks like she's gained 10 pounds." As long as the tabloids' medical experts are happy, that's all that matters.
It's almost reassuring to know that 70-year-old singer Cher has been "saved" by "a much younger former stripper boyfriend," that plastic surgery-obsessed Jennifer Lopez "Wants First Lady's Face," and Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp are "Together Again," according to the 'Enquirer.' Then again, the 'Globe' claims that Lisa Marie Presley is in "Scientology Prison," Barbra Streisand and James Brolin are headed for "an ugly $550 million divorce," and John Mellencamp says of Meg Ryan: "She hates me to death. She doesn't want anything to do with me."
'Us' magazine bring us the big stories America cares about: J Lo's "Sexy New Romance" with A Rod, the "best, worst and weirdest" moments from 'Duck Dynasty,' and the inside scoop on reality show 'The Bachelor' - "What TV Didn't Show." Fortunately we have the crack team of 'Us' magazine's investigative journalists to tell us that Olivia Culpo wore it best, Harry Potter alum Rupert Grint likes hats, Anna Gunn carries Band-Aids, Neosporin and sunscreen in her hypochondriac-driven Louis Vuitton Neverfull tote, and that the stars are just like us: they shop, play tennis, work out with weights, and skateboard. Revelatory, as ever.
The Trump-loving 'Enquirer' parent company's just-announced purchase of 'Us Weekly' promises great journalism ahead. Hopefully we can look forward to Ivanka Trump's column of style tips for faux feminists, 'Us' mag proclaiming that Melania Trump "wore it best" every week, and the popular new weekly feature: "Presidents - They're Just Like Us!"
'People' magazine also gives us the vacuous inside story on J Lo & A Rod, predictably dubbing the couple "J-Rod," and visits with TV's Bachelor Nick Viall and his slightly hesitant fianci(C) Vanessa, but devotes its cover to singer Prince's ex-wife's tell all: "Passion, Pills & The Agony of Losing Their Child."
Once again, the 'National Examiner' of all places carries a surprisingly accurate story - though hardly new - declaring: "Earth's Poles are going to flip!" potentially causing chaos exposing the planet to solar radiation. "All people can do is hope for the best," concludes this inspiring report, which speculates that the Earth could be without a fixed magnetic field for up to 200 years. Who needs GPS anyway?
Onwards and downwards . . .