SoftBank’s Q1 2020 earnings presentation mixes comedy and drama

Hello and welcome back to our regular morning look at private companies, public markets and the gray space in between.

Today we're digging into SoftBank's latest earnings slides. Not only do they contain a wealth of updates and other useful information, but some of them are gosh-darn-freaking hilarious. We all deserve a bit of levity after the last few months.

The visual elements we quote below come from SoftBank's reporting of its own results from its fiscal year ending March 31, 2020. Much of the deck is made up of financial reporting tables and other bits of stuff you don't want to read. We've cut all that out and left the fun parts.

Before we dive in, please note that we are largely giggling at some slide design choices and only somewhat at the results themselves. We are certainly not making fun of people who've been impacted by layoffs and other such things that these slides' results encompass.

But we are going to have some fun with how SoftBank describes how it views the world, because how can we not? Let's begin.

Data, slides

TechCrunch has a number of folks parsing SoftBank's deck this morning, looking to do serious work. That's not our goal. Sure, this post will tell you things like the fact that there are 88 companies in the Vision Fund portfolio, and that when it comes to unrealized gains and losses, the portfolio has seen $13.4 billion in gains and $14.2 billion in losses. $4.9 billion of gains have been realized, mind you, while just $200 million of losses have had the same honor.

And this post will tell you that the net blended [internal rate of return] for SoftBank Vision Fund investors is -1%."

Hell, you probably also want to know that Uber was detailed as Vision Fund's worst-performing public company, generating a $1.46 billion loss for the group. In contrast, Guardant Health is good for a $1.67 billion gain, while 2019 IPO Slack has been good for $605 million in profits. Those were the two best companies in the Vision Fund's public portfolio.

But what you really want is the good stuff. So, shared by slide number, here you go:

Slide 11: