Coronavirus campus re-opening policies for Lovecraft's Miskatonic University

Ron Fein has written a delightful new piece for McSweeney's imagining Arkham County Health Inspector Herbert West ni Re-Animator reviewing a proposal from Miskatonic University to safely re-open their campus in a way that will protect students from an outbreak of COVID-19. Coronavirus safety guidelines are difficult of course, though perhaps not as difficult as grappling with the constant Euclidean nightmares of the tentacled screams that haunt your mind.

Thank you for submitting Miskatonic University's proposed COVID safety plan. We have a few brief comments and questions.

Social distancing in classrooms

You write that "through queer and monstrous perversions of geometrical laws, students will be seated at blasphemous angles outside the curves of our dimensions, thus remaining safely six feet apart." Please clarify whether safe distancing could be achieved without resort to "loathsome horrors beyond human conception."

It's so perfect.

Arkham Board of Health Feedback on Miskatonic University's Draft Plan For A Safe Campus Re-Opening [Ron Fein / McSweeney's]

Image: Vanderfrog / Flickr (CC 2.0)