I’ve spent 27 years squabbling in French. Is that enough to earn me citizenship? | Emma Beddington

I'm about to take the language test to become a citizen. I'll be fine so long as I can talk about tortoises and snoring

Just as whelk war" with France is - perhaps - narrowly averted, I am unpatriotically heading to an outpost of the Fifth Republic in Manchester to take the French language test that is a prerequisite for citizenship. After 18 months of trying to become French, I am perhaps two-thirds of the way: close, but no handshake from a man in a sash. It's a slow, bureaucratic business, but a stroll in the Tuileries compared with the cruel, expensive and idiotic process of becoming British.

Conflicting commitments and, I admit, a little complacency mean I will be taking the exam without a second's preparation. I am hoping that 27 years of speaking French with my husband will help me scrape through. The exam is not particularly hard, unlike the notorious Quebec French language test, which another native speaker recently failed. I just need to manage reading and listening comprehension, conduct a general conversation, and write a short essay on a set current affairs topic.