Use jealously of girlfriend’s financial stability positively
Q: My best friend is way ahead of me financially. She has her student debt paid off, is saving to buy a house, has money in a retirement account, and drives a nicer car than me. We've been friends forever, but I'm terribly jealous of her and don't want it to negatively affect our relationship. It seems like I just can't help these feelings and I'm looking for your advice on what to do.
A: I have good news and bad news. First, the latter. Jealousy will silently destroy your relationship with your best friend and you may not even consciously notice that it's happening. You might find yourself starting arguments with her or putting her down because of this inherent animosity toward her. And, she won't likely be able to figure out what's taking place either, although she could find herself wanting to avoid you. Soon enough, the friendship simply fades away and neither of you will know why. Best friends don't come easily, so let's see what we can do to preserve this precious relationship.
The good news is that you have acknowledged your feelings and have been able to identify them, even if you may not like their adverse implications. This is a sign of emotional maturity. But comparing yourself to others is a losing proposition. The jealousy you feel about someone who is better off is a self-destructive emotion. Have you ever heard the saying that jealousy is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die?
Theodore Roosevelt said, Comparison is the thief of joy." So, instead of getting down on yourself when you contrast your situation to others, allow their successes to spur you on to your own achievements. If you replace those unhelpful, negative thoughts with positive, action-oriented thoughts, you will prevent irreparably harming the relationship with your favourite pal - and in its place, create feelings of optimism in the direction of your own financial goals.
If you believe that your girlfriend is ahead of you - financially speaking - this tells me that what she has attained is also a desired target for you. If we simply get you on the path to reaching those financial objectives, you will begin to instil personal feelings of achievement and self-fulfilment. And this new financial confidence will self-perpetuate. Therefore, spend all your energy here, not on making yourself feel worse because you're not in your friend's financial situation.
Your bestie friend is a valuable resource to you because she has already figured out how to realize some of the things that are aspirations for you. Invite her for a socially distanced cup of coffee or a glass of wine and ask how she has managed to do all of this.
What specific action did she take to eliminate her student debt? How does she motivate herself to save money for a future goal, like buying a house? Will she show you how to establish a retirement fund and begin contributing to it every month? What approach did she employ that allowed her to purchase a car? Then, with this new-found knowledge, take immediate action and begin to implement the same effective strategies that have put her on the path to financial success.
I can only imagine that your best friend would love to help you in achieving your financial goals. And perhaps she could even use your support to accomplish some of her own objectives, financial or otherwise. The two of you could cheer each other on and this joint encouragement could only serve to enhance the fabulous relationship that you already have and get you both closer to your respective goals. In no time at all, you will replace the feelings of jealousy and animosity with love, encouragement - and financial gratification.
Thie Convery, R.F.P., CFP, CIM, FMA, FCSI, is a wealth advisor in Dundas. Her column appears bi-weekly in The Hamilton Spectator. Thie invites your questions at TheSpecMoney@gmail.com or by visiting www.ConveryWealth.com.