I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that this pirate game is full of hornswagglers | Dominik Diamond

I was hoping to earn my son's respect by playing Sea of Thieves, but was hopelessly out of my depth

My poop deck is on fire. I am taking on water below decks and some guy is screaming he is going to kill me. I am panicking, randomly picking up wooden planks, cannon balls, accordions and coconuts, trying to stave off inevitable death in the middle of a thunderstorm. All of this to get closer to my 17-year-old son.

Where once my boy Charlie used to cuddle me during the scary bits in Toy Story, now he watches violent anime on his phone instead. He has swapped our 2010s Call of Duty split-screen co-op adventures for fragging friends on Overwatch. Instead of sharing real life with me, he has spent the last three years in the virtual pirate world of Sea of Thieves.