‘An apology has to be meaningful’: how to say sorry (and how not to)

From the kneejerk to the insincere, there are many kinds of apologies. But which ones count? Here's how to get it right - and why it matters

It had been 20 years since I'd seen my aunt. In that time I'd lived a full life, written a book and had a baby, but as she stared at my bottom, I knew what she was thinking. Then she said it: Are you competing with Mary?" There was some skill here: in a few words, she'd deftly managed to insult both my cousin and me. The subtext was: you've got as fat as her.

Fuelled by post-partum hormones, I decided to tell my aunt, for the first time, how insulting I found this. I'm sorry," she said, if you chose to take offence at what I said." Ah. The apology rendered immediately void by the word if.