I’m trying to educate my son in sports video games, but he is not having any of it | Dominik Diamond

For his own good, my soon-to-be-18-year-old needs to understand sport. It's the only way he'll survive. Unfortunately, 90s video games are of limited use

My son Charlie will be 18 soon. Like all Scottish males before him, he will be dropped on a Hebridean island with nothing but a rusty knife and his own anger. If he can't make it back to the mainland, he will live the rest of his life among feral, abandoned Scottish sons, and he will only survive if he likes sport, because that's how any group of men get through enforced time together.

He tried sport as a kid, but as he is on the autism spectrum, he was obsessed with rules to the point where if he felt another kid broke them, he would pick the ball up and stop the game. He was basically human VAR. It never ended well. So I've decided I'm going to use my favourite 90s video games as a Trojan horse. And there is only one place to start.