Toronto women turn to ‘Unhinged’ dating list to suss out problematic men
The most sought-after place that people in Toronto want in on lately isn't a swanky new venue, but a private Facebook group that's said to have a spreadsheet listing names and details of problematic men in Toronto's dating scene.
In a TikTok video that went viral over the long weekend, a Toronto woman says: I'm never going on a date again without checking if he's on the unhinged Toronto database of toxic men."
Another TikTok about the database went viral, this one from a woman who said she is the group's admin. The woman called the list a PSA for other people, in case they come across them (on any sort of dating app)."
The Star is not naming the women over concerns for their safety.
The group, called Unhinged (Toronto Dating Reviews) - though members were notified after the Star inquired about the list that the name would be changed soon - has been around since January. By the time it went viral, it had about 3,000 members and, since all the attention, that number has grown to 3,600.
As of Monday night, it listed a couple of hundred names of Toronto men, aged 20 to 60, and included on a spreadsheet women's recollections of their encounters with them, either through dating apps or in real life. Some women shared stories anonymously, though most didn't. In many cases, women have shared similar stories about the same men.
The spreadsheet also included some photos, screengrabs from dating apps and detailed descriptions, including what the men look like, how they behaved and places they frequent. Some are referred to by first name or as John Doe.
The Star reached out to the Facebook group's original creator early Monday afternoon. She was hesitant to respond, writing in a direct message, We are being careful with what is going to be written about the group after the moderator's TikTok went viral."
Later, after she spoke to the other moderators, she sent a direct message in which she declined to be interviewed. She wrote: If it was only up to me I would definitely talk and explain the purpose of the group and how it all started it (sic). But I need to respect the other moderators, and I think that for now I'm just going to pass this opportunity for another time."
The Star reached out for comment from the other administrators and from those whose TikToks about the spreadsheet went viral but did not hear back. TikToks have appeared, apparently from some of these women, assuring members they will not speak to the media, stressing they prioritize members' safety and saying they will delete suspicious accounts.
A call-out on my personal social networks requesting information from members of the group, however, was met with overwhelming success, though all spoke anonymously for protection of the group and members' safety.
It's the best ever!" one user wrote. I've seen many familiar faces on it and the best is multiple girls will comment on the same guy."
Asked if stories are about harassment and other abusive behaviour, or about dates gone wayward, she said most are about narcissistic behaviour, such as love bombing and ghosting. I've seen a few predatory things but mostly narcissistic abuse."
Another member said a lot of women have entered information on the spreadsheet about abusive texts or DMs from men. One woman reported that she fell asleep while texting with a dating app match, and he blew up" her phone and cussed her out for not replying. He became quite vile, she said.
The same user said women in the group have flagged men who have a reputation for being crude and drunkenly hitting on women, behaving inappropriately and not respecting women's boundaries. Men who are known to be in relationships or situationships - an undefined connection that is less than a relationship but more than a casual encounter - are called out for being sneaky and deceitful.
An original group member told me, They're all worried because they're engaging in s---ty behaviour. Be a good guy and you won't wind up in the spreadsheet," is her advice to worried men.
Lists are nothing new," said Carly Stojsic, a trend forecaster and culture commentator. History has shown us that various lists of information can signal massive social changes, for better or for worse." In terms of this list in particular, she said it can help women be better informed as they navigate the dating scene.
Stojsic pointed out this is not a data breach, leaking addresses and credit card information, as in the Ashley Madison scandal.
In this case, it's people helping people, like a Google review for products," Stojsic said. Considering what's happening with women's rights in North America, this list should live."
Though the list is being celebrated by women in the GTA and beyond, it has men who may have been outed on the list and the women dating or married to them worried about their reputations.
Every guy I know has DM'd me asking me if I can check to see if they're on the list," one group member told me.
If online comments are any indication, men aren't happy about the group. Many comments say these allegations are made by rejected women who deserved the poor treatment. One user said, This is exactly why guys don't treat y'all good. y'all are bullies (laughing emoji) teaming up to trash talk guys you didn't marry (laughing emoji) most break ups (sic) are bad."
Another user said, If guys did this, girls would lose their minds."
One member of the group DM'd me to say she is disappointed people are more concerned about the scandal of being on the list than why women believe they need a list like this for their safety.
People are caught up in the scandal and who's on it and saying, Chicks are crazy.' But no one is writing about why there is even a list in the first place.
How dating in Toronto, especially with the rise of the apps - where you can basically window shop for who you want to sleep with - if you're not a cisgendered straight man then you aren't even treated like a human with a brain and a soul. You're treated like a number/option/conquest."