At last, the Tories prove that Brexit has polluted the UK | Stewart Lee

Having raw sewage lapping around the UK is a fitting symbol of our freedom from the tyranny of EU red tape

Apparently, you can now see the ring of human excrement surrounding Brexit Britain from space, the raw sewage of Brexit's environmental fallout lapping at the shores of our sceptic isle. The Chinese astronaut Wang Yaping, whom I befriended at one of Robin Ince and Brian Cox's Hammersmith Apollo space-comedy events while dancing to Charlotte Church's indie-pop covers band, contacted me from her sleep pod on the Tianhe space station module to describe the sight. Oh Stewart! From space, Britain now looks like a beautiful green jade earring, but a beautiful green jade earring that has been dropped in an oyster pail Chinese takeaway box full of dog diarrhoea. Oh Stewart!" Wang sighed, clearly distressed, no fine ladies will want to wear that filthy earring that is Brexit Britain now. So sad. So sad for you. How is your Edinburgh fringe going? I hear Kunt and the Gang's Shannon Matthews: The Musical is very good."

Like me, I am sure you remember reasonable Remainers' warnings about the incoming non-availability of European manufactured, sewage-refining chemicals being dismissed as project fear"; like me, I am sure you remember how Michael Gove snorted with haughty delight as he promised us leaving the EU would enable us to enjoy even tighter environmental protections, rather than being swamped with raw sewage. Another Brexit-non-bonus; like me, I am sure you worried that the EU's fines for water pollution by privatised water companies were all that was saving us from capitalism crapping into every culvert, as big business kleptocrats asset-stripped the water infrastructure and processed the profits abroad; like me, I am sure you realised that the Conservatives' October 2021 decision to vote down an amendment that would have stopped the dumping of raw sewage into seas and rivers would mean their friends who own the water companies would be free to choke our waterways and coastlines; and like me, I am sure you were more than a little bewildered to find that the most consistent voice of reason in this crisis is former Undertones frontman and keen fly fisher Feargal Sharkey. Who can forget the prophetic hit single, Here Comes the Summer, with its classic couplet: Keep looking for the girls with their bodies so fit, lying on the beaches all covered in shit"?