‘This is absolutely not going to happen to another family’: A mother’s map through the struggle of suicide
Robin Eady has a way of telling you about her son Max (Maximilian Snelling), like she's breathing life into him.
She calls him her beautiful boy." Her spectacular young man. Brilliant (physics, math, astronomy), athletic (rep team hockey), curious, handsome, kind, a wonderful friend, tutor, child and brother.
He would show you the stars in the sky, and not just with his Dobsonian telescope.
The more she tells you the more you want to know, as though your sense of him, of his colours and nuances, is a flower opening up in the sunlight of her words and feelings, and the dearer he gets in the opening, the harder you push back against the darkness you know is going to close around him.
But it's a thing that can't be pushed back. So Robin pushes forward.
She is the driving force behind St. Joseph Health Care's new suicide prevention guide, an exhaustive, groundbreaking resource five years in the making, for people and those around them who are struggling with suicide.
Sept. 10 is Suicide Prevention Day and on Friday, Sept. 9, Robin joined others at St. Joseph Health Care's Ceremony of Remembrance." There were speeches, including Robin's, a release of butterflies and promotion of the new initiative, called A Guide For People and Families Struggling With Suicide."
It largely grew out of Robin's passionate audit of shortcomings of the system that Max and those close to him experienced as they tried to cope with his crisis.
Says Robin, an oncology nurse at Juravinski. He was the apple of my eye."
He excelled at math and physics, winning the prizes in physics and computer science at St. Thomas More Secondary School. He won a Hamilton Health Sciences Leaders of Tomorrow scholarship. He played chess and guitar, had a girlfriend, a strong circle of lifelong friends, and held astronomy nights in the backyard.
In high school he would tutor kids who were having trouble" with math and physics, which came so easily to him, says Robin.
After graduation, Max received multiple offers from university engineering programs but chose McGill University physics in Montreal, for their celebrated pure research approach.
In his second semester at McGill, winter 2016, he began to feel extreme anxiety, depression and body dysmorphia. It came on suddenly. He got through his first year, and that summer Max and the family sought help but kept running into roadblocks.
By the fall he'd convinced everyone he was ready to return to McGill. He made it through until December and had train tickets to return to Hamilton for Christmas. He never got on that train.
On Dec. 23, Robin got a call from the Montreal police. A good Samaritan had found Max on Mount Royal in Montreal lying in the snow, with a noose. He was hypothermic, but alive.
He left an 11-page suicide note," Robin says. It said, I am out of time.'" Then, it went on to detail his disordered thoughts, his feelings of anxiety and depression and his shame at lying" about going to classes. He hadn't been.
He had packed all the things in his apartment (in Montreal) in green garbage bags so we wouldn't be left with that to go through," says Robin.
The next several months, with Max now back at home in Hamilton, were a trial of frustration, dread and heartbreak, as Robin and the family lobbied to get Max into the Youth Wellness Centre program but the wait time was interminably long. Meanwhile Max would have bad moments and good, for a time taking up guitar again and going to gym with Robin who'd taken a leave from her nursing job, but mostly bad and at his worst would spend days in bed, not brushing his teeth or showering.
They tried so hard to get him into the Youth Wellness Centre but to no avail - Max wanted to talk to people his own age going through similar things. (He didn't want to reconnect with old friends because, says Robin, he said he felt like a failure.") Robin called the centre so often they would hang up on her.
In the spring of 2017, Max had a spurt of initiative. He organized a movie night with his old friends to see Guardians of the Galaxy 2. He cleaned out the weeds in the garden. Robin was encouraged.
Then at 7 a.m. May 14, 2017, Mother's Day, they found him dead by suicide in his bed, from pharmaceuticals he'd ordered without anyone knowing.
In time, Robin threw herself into addressing how things could've been done better. By November 2017 she sent a letter - Max's story - to Dr. David Higgins, head of St. Joseph's West 5th at the time. Changes were immediately made. No longer would anyone be hung up on.
She was determined: This is absolutely not going to happen to another family."
Lisa Jeffs, manager of Youth Wellness Centre, worked closely with Robin on the guide.
At one point during their work Robin learned of the risk assessment guide that staff have access to.
Says Lisa: At one of our meetings, years ago, Robin held that guide and shook it in the air, saying Why didn't I know this!!' I still get goosebumps thinking about it."
If she'd read that guide she would've known better how fast and spontaneous a suicide decision can be and that Max's weeding of the garden and his movie night with friends was classic saying goodbye" behaviour.
Now the guide is done and being used.
Robin calls it Max's legacy.
Where to get help
If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or know someone who is, help is out there. In case of an emergency, call 911 for help. Here are some more resources:
Distress and Crisis Ontario: dcontario.org
ConnexOntario: 1-866-531-2600
COAST: 905-972-8338
Barrett Centre: 1-844-777-3571
Native Women's Centre: 1-888-308-6559
Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868 (5-20)
Good2Talk: 1-866-925-5454 (17-25)
Crisis Services Canada: 1-833-456-4566
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Jeff Mahoney is a Hamilton-based reporter and columnist covering culture and lifestyle stories, commentary and humour for The Spectator.jmahoney@thespec.com