People on TikTok keep boasting about what they do from 5am to 9am. I just lie in bed | Emma Beddington

I watch people preparing food, working out and doing laundry. But what if I don't want to maximise my potential'?

You will not be surprised to hear that there's another TikTok microtrend to feel bad about. It's called #my5to9 (4.6m views) and it's a two-headed beast, covering what people do in the 5am to 9am slot before work and their 5pm to 9pm post-work schedules. It's a wholesome if exhausting-looking sequence of workouts, food prep and domestic drudgery. I watched one user cook, prep the next day's breakfast and lunch, do laundry, plump pillows, bathe, exfoliate and moisturise. Then I needed a lie-down to recover.

Given that sleep has already been hacked to death with everything from smart rings to ice baths, we are reaching a full 24-hour timetable of aspirational activity: there is no room for drooling or vacant downtime. It's the logical conclusion of what essayist Jia Tolentino called the always be optimising" mindset. Every second of time must be used well as we tick towards death. Why are you wasting yours reading this? At least listen to it on triple speed on the treadmill, loser.