What would I do if I won $1.9bn? Make life a misery for the man who bought the house next door

What's the point of being filthy rich if you can't be petty? If I ever do scoop the US's Powerball jackpot, my nemesis will learn to fear my racoon-based revenge

There was a one in 292m chance of it happening and it turns out ... I didn't beat the odds. I regret to inform you that I have not won the $1.9bn (1.7bn) Powerball jackpot, the largest lottery prize in US history, despite splashing out on three $2 tickets.

Some people may be of the opinion that not winning the jackpot is a blessing of sorts. There are, after all, lots of stories about people who win the lottery and find it ruins their life. Friends and family harass them for money; they burn through their winnings; life loses its meaning. While that's all very sad, let me tell you right now: winning almost two billion dollars would not ruin my life. I wouldn't be one of those people who squanders their money on fast cars (I can't drive) and vintage champagne (OK, maybe I'd buy some champagne). I would use the cash wisely.