I’ve lost many things. But even I’ve never mislaid radioactive material | Adrian Chiles

My heart went out to whoever lost Rio Tinto's dangerous capsule in the Australian outback. There but for the grace of God ...

Someone lost a radioactive capsule. Someone blundered. I shuddered at the news, because if I had been transporting that tiny object for Rio Tinto in Australia, that someone would have been me. I'm an accomplished loser of things. I may have lost more stuff than I ever had in the first place. This ought not to be possible, but if anyone can make it possible, it's me. Still - losing a radioactive capsule. Wow. This sets a new benchmark among us useless, butter-fingered, forgetful, careless incompetents. I'm almost jealous, annoyed it wasn't me. At least I'd then know I could never lose anything as important as this again.

I leave things in pubs, restaurants, football grounds, airports, aircraft, taxis, buses, tubes and, on one occasion, a dodgem at a fair in Swansea. When I played golf, I'd obviously lose balls. On the only occasion I didn't lose a ball, I lost a club. Another time I drove off after my round without my golf bag. At home I can't find things that I had in my hand only moments before. It is terrifying when this happens; they could be anywhere. I know this, because more than once I've found that I absent-mindedly dropped my car key in the bin, while on another occasion my wallet turned up in the bottom drawer of the fridge. I frequently put important things away somewhere safe, where no one will find them - including me, because I forget where the safe place was. Some things never ever turn up again.

Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster, writer and Guardian columnist