The first step in breaking a toxic pattern is to recognise it for what it is | Diane Young

A therapist or counsellor can help identify the root cause of the pattern and provide tools to manage triggers

• The modern mind is a column where experts discuss mental health issues they are seeing in their work

I didn't sleep well last night ... actually, I don't sleep well most nights". Ashleigh* apologises for her tardiness as she walks through the door to my office for her psychotherapy session. I notice the dark circles under her eyes.

In her late 40s, she has endured more traumatic events than most people twice her age. Growing up with an alcoholic father, Ashleigh had a strained relationship with him that has continued into adulthood. While she had a good relationship with her mother, she lost her to cancer when she was 17-years-old.

Shortly after the birth of my child, our relationship became toxic and I found myself turning to alcohol to deal with situations that were similar to my own upbringing with my father. As the months went by, I was drinking sometimes up to two bottles of wine a day."

I think I'm always fearful of losing the people I love most - it has left me in an emotionally heightened state permanently. This has contributed to the breakdown of my relationship."