Have I told you about the time I split my trousers? | Adrian Chiles

Too-tight suits for men, too-high heels for women: does dressing up have to be such an ordeal?

I was wandering around York one morning last week. The clouds were low and dark and heavy with more than rain. The dog's nose was a-twitch. My brow was furrowing deeper than usual. There was some serious tension in the air. What could it be? The city was as busy as ever but, hang on, what's this? The pubs packed out well before midday? What for, elevenses? A smartly dressed couple passed me. He looked grave, like he might be off to a funeral, but her outfit was too colourful for mourning. And, without breaking their brisk step, she was troughing urgently on a Marks & Spencer sandwich. Ah yes, of course! It was race day.

The blokes were, to a man, sporting suits worn in the manner of blokes the world over who rarely wear suits. That is, worn uncomfortably, on account of their suits' sizing being a tribute to younger, slimmer, happier days. I sit very tightly in this category of suit-wearer. In the days when I presented football matches on television, I used to wear them all the time. I've no idea why this was required. Since then my suits only see the light of day for weddings, funerals and court appearances. And yes, they're disappointingly snug. In my case significantly so, as I was persuaded by a fashiony friend that the trousers were too baggy and needed taking in. I was talked into spending an hour I'll never get back standing like a lemon in the back of a tailor's shop, triggering awful memories of my mum rigging me out in something itchy for a distant cousin's wedding.