Forget sex and keeping your temper – the real secret to a happy relationship is sleep, luck and takeaways | Emma Beddington

A survey asking couples why they stayed together proves the uselessness of people's opinions. It's like asking centenarians the secret of a long life

The secret to a long relationship? Have sex seven times a month and never go to bed angry, according to a survey of 2,000 British couples commissioned for the launch of Love & Death on ITVX, a show about an affair and an axe murder. Twenty per cent of people surveyed thought liking the same programmes was important; I wonder if this one will tick their boxes?

My friends are sceptical too. People are still having sex? In this economy?" says one. Oh, please," says another. Maybe aim for not going to bed angry seven times a month. That's in my marriage how-to." Given how often my insomnia leaves me wandering like an unquiet spirit, mine would be: Try to sleep seven times a month in the same room." Or even: Try to sleep."

Emma Beddington is a Guardian columnist