So Russell Brand was baptised in the Thames, and all his sins were washed away. Cheaper than a lawyer, I suppose | Marina Hyde

His journey to Christianity was very moving, and infinitely more spiritual than his trip to the police station to deny criminal allegations

A hazmat dredger, please, to the stretch of the River Thames in which Russell Brand was recently baptised, in an event apparently conducted by TV adventurer and chief scout Bear Grylls. I know, it's incredible: Thames Water is no longer responsible for the biggest piece of shit in the river.

In his mystical biography of the Thames, Peter Ackroyd observed: There are some parts of the river that create or harbour distinct properties that are not susceptible to rational analysis." And I think we might be dealing with one of those properties right here. Rational analysis deserts me as I survey a recently released photo of a topless Brand, a topless Bear, and the unidentified owner of what appears to be an S-reg Japanese hannya mask back tattoo embracing in the waist-deep current. Then again, it's possible the third figure is actually identified. The Brand-penned caption on this Insta-trocity runs: Me, Bear Grylls, The River Thames and of course, The Holy Spirit." Sorry, but does the Holy Spirit now have a back tattoo? Game's gone.

Marina Hyde is a Guardian columnist