A weekend of deranged hope, dread and stockpiling flares – it’s the Euro 2024 final | Marina Hyde

Gareth Southgate's side have made the hardest possible work of this - such is the only script our national psychodrama permits

Light the touchpaper on your flares, because England stands on the threshold of two days of giddy possibility. There is, quite simply, no greater weekend available to an England football supporter than the one leading up to the climax of a major tournament in which the national side has made the final. Truth be told, there is not a whole lot more English than trying to sound insouciantly au fait with that type of weekend. Let's face it, we barely know what we're talking about on this front (also very English). The reality is that England have previously made precisely two of those finals in the entire history of the game, and one of those was on a Saturday, not a Sunday. But listen: three of anything makes a trend.

Just as the long buildup to Christmas can be infinitely more joyful and infinitely less stressful than the day itself, so this is a weekend to be intensely savoured before the inevitable tip over into mindless something-or-other when the whistle blows for the end of play on Sunday night. To be clear: I am hoping for mindless euphoria but also preparing for one of the other mindless options available. Expect anything and everything other than mindfulness. With a dedicated breathing coach and movement therapist, there is a definite holistic approach to Gareth Southgate's team bubble - but it's fair to say English fandom remains wholly untouched by wellness. Unless you count sticking a flare up your arse - arguably the England fan's equivalent of Gwyneth Paltrow sticking a jade egg up her vagina.

Marina Hyde is a Guardian columnist

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