I thought I was done with parenthood. But the tortoises had other plans | Emma Beddington

Just when my husband and I were getting used to the empty nest, there's a new occupant to worry about. We have never felt more helpless

An unexpected thing has happened: I, we, have had a baby. A surprise change-of-life baby! That wasn't part of our empty nest plan, but sometimes fate decides and you're dragged along for the ride. You probably want details: well, we're not sure of the sex, but it's probably female because of the incubation temperature and the fact it weighs 17g. OK, it's a baby tortoise.

Our new arrival came as a complete shock. Our two female tortoises sometimes lay eggs, but none have ever been fertile. One male is a foul sex pest who molests them tirelessly, but we assumed that the fact he's a quarter of the ladies' size created insuperable, er, logistical problems (we often we find him flailing on his back, because they've tired of his squeaking, humping antics and flipped him). The other is larger, but lower-key: he likes being alone and chomping dandelions (I know who I'd rather was the daddy).