Process fee, service fee, delivery fee … Who wouldn’t pay to see Ticketmaster rinsed by the regulator? | Marina Hyde

After the Oasis ticket debacle, this much is clear: the fan experience' is an excuse to be exploited while having to look grateful

Ticketmaster has a dream. A dream that one day, it will be pleased to have partnered with" your child's school, making it easier for you to buy tickets" to the nativity play. Which will henceforth be known as the nativity experience. But listen - Ticketmaster wants to make the whole process run more smoothly, freeing you up to connect with the performers you love (your kids) while being gifted" the paper cup that forms part of the package in these platinum seats (the tiny chairs from the classroom).

No, none of the standard seat tickets are still available. But you can upgrade to the ultimate VIP package, meaning you have access to the Bethlehem lounge (the reception reading corner) an hour before the event. If you want to experience magic this Christmas, do remember to clear all cookies, have only one tab open, and prepare nevertheless to be ejected from the queue four hours in after being accused of being a computer, by a computer.

Marina Hyde is a Guardian columnist