We’re going to help developing nations deal with drought by submerging them under the ocean | Frankie Boyle

Climate change seems such a mild word for what's going on. Things are so desperate that even our fictional dystopias may turn out to be fantasies

It seems odd to hold a climate change conference at a time of year when everyone has just looked out their window and notched the thermostat up by 2C. Change seems such a mild word for what's going on. When we say that someone has "changed", we usually mean that they're drinking a bit more or less. We don't mean that they're lying stone dead under five miles of ocean on a rock that now hangs silently in the freezing vault of space.

An initiative was announced for a network of 120 countries to form a solar power grid, but I don't think Scotland qualified. I'm not sure how much solar energy we produce, all I know is it's way less than it takes to light a sky. Clean energy is always described as expensive and inefficient, but I suppose that if the price of the alternatives is extinction, we might just be measuring expense and efficiency wrongly.