On the road: Hyundai Tucson car review – 'It does accelerate, it just doesn’t make it a priority'

Warm arse? Check. Even for passengers? Why now you mention it, check!

Describing your car as "ultimate red" sets up some fine expectations, and I approached the Hyundai Tucson like a winner. Gigantic boot. This is the living definition of success in life, maybe not for anybody all the time, but certainly for everybody sometimes: what can you fit in your boot? A bike plus superannuated VHS and stereo unit, or are you lucky to mash in a duvet and two pillows?

This smallish SUV will give you a fillip, at least until you try to accelerate. Just kidding. It does accelerate, it just doesn't make it a priority. Warm arse? Check. Even for passengers? Why now you mention it, check! Electric lumbar support for the driver? I don't know what that means, but check! Leather-slathered everything? Check! Right, now we accelerate. Or, as I, Ultimate Red, like to say, we move slightly ponderously through my six automatic gears.