Citroën DS 3 car review – ‘It adds to the gaiety of the road’

A critical observer would say it is just ridiculous for a car this size to have such poor fuel economy

I imagined this car throughout as a young person selling themselves on The Apprentice. I am the DS 3 Performance, Lord Sugar, and this is because I perform. I am not shy, and nobody has called me that, not once, not ever, least of all when I am on a motorway. And I am painted sports red because that makes me faster. And (joking aside, both to imaginary Lord Sugar, and to you, reader), I am actually bloody nippy. I go like I've been shot out of a cannon. I have a top speed of 143mph, and you know it, however fast I'm actually going. My emissions are rubbish, considering how small I am, but that's just the way I like it.

There are three doors and fold-down seats because I take no passengers, unless they are tiny ones, and my boot is very small because I have no baggage, unless you would like me to carry your briefcase, Lord Sugar, which I totally have room for. People might look at me and think "small car", and I have all those plus points, glamour and buzz; but I'm big where it counts, in my legroom and stuff. Oddment stowage is for wimps. Only pensioners need a place to store their hot drinks.