Already regretting assigning Bret Easton Ellis to review Minecraft's photorealistic texture pack

My name is Herobine. I am twenty-six years old. I live in a data entity resembling an ultramodernist residence at x: 68;y: 73; z: 636 in the seed -98734659879863346. I believe in taking care of myself, in a balanced diet of fish, bread and cake, and a rigorous exercise routine of jumping up voxel hills.

In the morning, if my face is a little pixelated, I'll put on a diamond helmet while farming my generators. I can get 100 levels a day now. After I remove the diamond helmet, I eat four apples. In the cave below my house, I clear out any mobs, then collect and throw all the rotten meat into the small lava pond beside it.

Then I apply a potion of regeneration which I leave on for ten minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use antidote potions with little or no alcohol because alcohol dries your textures out and makes you look older. Then elixir, then eye drops, followed by a final moisturizing tonic potion...

There is an idea of a Herobrine, some kind of abstraction lost in the thousands of hours you have abandoned to this game, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can see me fleetingly from a distance and feel fear gripping you and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: I simply am not there.

PREVIOUSLY

Already regretting assigning J.G. Ballard to cover the Fyre Festival
Already regretting assigning Cormac McCarthy to report on the video of an entire pack of Boston Dynamics robot dogs
Already regretting assigning the new MacBook Pro review to Borges
Already regretting assigning the Chelsea Clinton story to Frank Herbert
Already regretting assigning Anthony Burgess to review the Samsung Galaxy Fold