The Kent border: I have a secret plan to reunite our divided country – and it involves traffic jams

A de facto border can only mean one thing: seven-mile tailbacks. And no one, whatever their political persuasion, is in favour of that

There is to be a new land border with Kent. Technically, it isn't a border; it is just that lorries won't be allowed into the county from the rest of England unless they have their paperwork in place, which in the absence of a drone-recognition system means police patrolling the boundaries. So, a border.

It throws up a few technical questions: does this mean Kent is now in France, or is it a Liechtenstein-style principality? Can it have its own currency, and will it be pegged to sterling? What ramifications, if any, does this have for Scottish independence? Can Kent ever have a referendum on rejoining the United Kingdom? Will some county cricket matches now become tests? Will we be all right if we have a Kentish grandparent? Because, happily, I did.