We are all Johnson's exes now, led on by false hope and dishonesty

You'd be forgiven for thinking we would exit lockdown into something better, but the prime minister's harsh tier system was our destiny

Now is not the time," gibbered the prime minister, to take our foot off the throat of the beast." Its throat? A lot of people feel like they've been living in the beast's colon for most of the year. Still, see you guys in tier 4 in January.

Incredibly, the above was not even the worst line of Boris Johnson's Thursday evening press conference. Johnson is unaccountably celebrated as a brilliant prose stylist but frequently spouts the sort of sub-inspirational shit you might see slapped on a photo of a crossroads on Instagram. This outing was a case in point, as the prime minister intoned: Your tier is not your destiny - every area has the means of escape." Wow. I want to say #makesuthink", but I'm going to go with: Then tell us what the means of escape is! Why does everything have to be a bleeding ring quest?"