Tim Dowling: My thighs are burning. Am I ready for couples' pilates?

I should be able to slack off while my wife claims the instructor's attention

My ideal morning workout routine goes something like this: I turn up at the gym at about 7am, drag a mat from the stack and begin some preliminary stretching; at about 7.06am I get a text from the trainer I've booked, telling me that he has a domestic emergency and won't be able to make it, whereupon I ease into a standing position and punch the air while no one is looking. Then I go home and get into the bath.

In over a decade of gym-going, I experienced this only five or six times, but I always woke up in the morning with the same hope.