I was a wisecracking lateral flow tester – until I got demoted

I got the gig at a school by stressing my people skills. It turns out I meant I can't keep my mouth shut

I am coming to the end of my tenure as a lateral flow test volunteer at a secondary school. I got the gig by stressing how well qualified I was at public-facing endeavours.

This turned out not to be true. It went OK when the kids were off school and we were just testing the teachers, but then all these adolescents swarmed in. They are quite self-conscious, aren't they? I feel sure there has been literature about this. They absolutely hate to be recognised. If I see the son of a friend, I'll halloo him mightily: Hi, Johnny, it's ME! Under my mask, I'm your mum's friend!" as if it's the world's greatest coincidence, as if I have just fetched up at a petrol station at the end of the universe and, look, there is my cousin drinking a Frappuccino.