Silent abuse: One Burlington woman’s story of self-discovery
It wasn't until a friend gave her an article titled Top 10 Signs You're in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship" that the Burlington woman realized she was a victim of domestic violence.
Over 32 years of marriage she endured manipulation, isolation and financial abuse, including being coerced into handing over her money, from her own business, to bail out her husband, said the woman who The Spectator is calling L, to not identify her ex-husband.
But she always kept her head down and was quiet. He didn't ever physically hurt her, so she didn't think it was abuse.
You don't air your dirty laundry in public, she thought.
Keep the family together for your daughter, she thought.
He's an upstanding member of the community, nobody will believe you, she thought.
That was in 2013, and L now realizes she just didn't have the information to understand what she was really going through. A desire to learn and make sense of her situation led her to every social service program she could find. I was like a sponge," she said.
SAFE Halton (survivor advocates for empowerment) was one of those programs. The idea of the group is to be the voice of survivors in the community, influencing how agencies work with survivors and those still in crisis, and educating the public.
November is woman abuse prevention month and Thursday, Nov. 25 was International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women.
L remembers when she first left her husband in 2013. They had been out at a gala and he introduced her as his beautiful, successful wife."
The words stunned her. Who is this man? That's not how he talks to me at home, she thought. She didn't have the words to understand how she felt at the time, but later learned it was dissociation - she was disconnected from her surroundings.
About two hours later she told him she needed to go home. And she left him. Before that day she hadn't thought about leaving: I was literally The Walking Dead' inside."
When he was gone she had just $23 to her name and a mountain of debt. She didn't even have a debit card to access their joint account. There was money he owed she didn't even know about.
Thanks to a friend, she was able to keep her house and eventually they settled their finances in divorce proceedings. But in those first weeks and months after leaving him, she was so low she thought about suicide. Thinking about her daughter, who had told her to leave earlier, was especially hard.
It was three-and-a-half months later that her friend printed off that top-10 list and she recognized herself. She showed it to her counsellor and said: This has been my life for, I don't even know how long now, I just start bawling."
L recalls the counsellor asking her what she wanted to do about it. The first words out of L's mouth were: I just want to sit with other women and hear their story, and I want to put my arm around them and say, hey, we're strong together, we're going to get through this.'"
At first L went to services in Hamilton, because she feared speaking in her own community. That fear of people not believing her was pervasive. But the more she told her story and learned how common it is in so many ways, the more confident she grew. Some friends were very supportive, while others were not good relationships and she let them go, too.
She also discovered that what she had endured for so long was silent abuse.
Lately, her passion has been learning about the impact of trauma on a person's brain. It explains so much about how she reacted and remembers things. Like the time she ran in fear from her husband when, while doing work at her former business, he got mad and threw his tools. She suddenly found herself at home with no memory of driving there.
L, still a sponge for information, has taken courses and explored every program she can find. There is help out there if you want it, she said.
And while professional help is important, so is connecting with other survivors, and realizing you're not alone.
My motto is, there's always hope, it's just being able to reach it," she said.
Nicole O'Reilly covers crime and justice for The Spectator. noreilly@thespec.com
Domestic violence resources
Halton Violence Prevention Council: 905-845-3811 ext. 124 or hvpc.coord@hvpc.ca (email preferred)
Halton Women's Place: 905-878-8555 (crisis line)
Sexual Assault and Violence Intervention Services (SAVIS): savis@savisofhalton.org, 905-825-3622 (office) or 905-875-1555 (crisis line)
Sexual Assault Centre of Hamilton and Area (SACHA): 905-525-4573 (office) or 905-525-4162 (crisis line)
Nina's Place (regional sexual assault and domestic violence care centre at Joseph Brant Hospital emergency department): 905-336-4116
Sexual Assault/Domestic Violence Treatment Centres: 1-855-628-7238 (nurse-staffed navigation line) or sadvtreatmentcentres.ca