Scott Radley: The mystery of Ron Kells
Who is Ron Kells?
A grumpy dude who has a beef with this city's hottest band? A jokester with an absurd-but-outstanding sense of humour? Someone not named Ron Kells at all?
All we know for sure is he's a mystery man who's become an overnight social media star thanks to a couple private messages sent to Hamilton's Arkells through their website a few days ahead of their Grey Cup halftime performance.
MY NAME IS RON KELLS AND WE ALL HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THE NAME OF YOUR BAND AND THE RIGHTS TO IT PLEASE GET A HOLD OF ME BEFORE THE HALF TIME SHOW GOES ON. SERIOUSLY," he wrote.
Yes, it was all in caps. If you're wondering what he's all worked up about, well, follow the name.
Ron Kells ... R. Kells ... Arkells.
Clearly they stole his name.
Some time later, another note arrived.
Obviously y'all aren't taking me seriously. I'm not happy about my name being used internationally Let alone across Canada. Especially as time entertainment for Gray Cup. GET ahold of me ASAP please. Y'all have notice THAT YOU DON'T HAVE PERMISSION TO DO THIS UNDER MY NAME. MY PHONE NUMBER IS ..."
The band blacked out the digits when it posted the messages online. But if you look closely, you can see the area code begins with a 6. We'll get back to that in a second.
The band says it's not behind this. Honest. It's not a publicity stunt. Frontman Max Kerman says the notes were legitimately sent to them.
So is Ron a real person who's got a pickle up his butt about the band's name or is this a rather brilliant bit of performance art? Who knows? They say they don't.
We have no clue," Kerman laughs.
The fact that Ron Kells contacted them privately rather than posting something publicly might suggest it's legit. After all, if someone wanted to make a funny, wouldn't he have put it where everyone could see it? He had no idea the band would share it. On the other hand, there's no way, right?
Either way, he's caught traction. There are now mock Twitter accounts under his name, fans have redesigned album cover art with his name replacing Arkells, requests for R. Kells merchandise have been made and there are even demands that he join the band onstage for the show.
The CFL has even jumped in with its tongue firmly planted in its cheek, suggesting nobody tell Lou Mineer about the band's guest act for the halftime show - yes, The Lumineers - lest any more distress be caused.
That little bonus about a guest was announced this week. Kerman says the guys were sitting around the other day thinking about their favourite acts and pondering who they could invite to join them to ratchet up the show even more. At the top of the list was the Denver-based group.
They were stoked for the invitation," he says.
It means the 15-minute halftime show will include some Arkells tunes, some Lumineers and some collaboration.
But back to the mystery that is Ron Kells.
Kerman's not giving out the number, but he says it's got a Canadian area code.
So remember that 6? There are only four places in the country with area codes starting with a 6: Vancouver (604), Ottawa (613), Saskatoon (639) and Toronto (647). And there aren't a lot of Kells who have numbers with such an area code, according to Canada 411. Only six across the entire land.
We called them all. There was no Ron at four of them. One rang and rang but was never answered, and one was out of service.
There's also a business in Toronto with the name Kells that has a 647 number. A message was left on an answering machine asking Ron to call back if there was a Ron there. Never heard back.
Facebook? Nothing helpful there. Twitter? Nothing. Instagram. No. A Google search? A few possible hints but nothing that led anywhere. Truth is, the number could be a cell number, could be someone else's phone, could be a business number or a number of other things.
So Ron Kells remains a mystery.
And for the band's answer to the whole thing?
We promise that Arkells are named after Arkell St in Hamilton, ON where the band lived," they wrote on Twitter.
Wonder if R. Kell will believe them?
Scott Radley is a Hamilton-based columnist at The Spectator. Reach him via email: sradley@thespec.com