Tim Dowling:‘My wife’s idea of a hot date is trip to the dump’

I'm suspicious, though - our appointment comes after I spend an hour searching for a particular kitchen implement which has mysteriously disappeared ...

On Sunday morning I wake to the sound of the dog and the cat fighting at the foot of the bed. Looking over the edge, I see a miniature re-enactment of a wildlife programme: a small leopard trying to take down a tusk-less warthog, only the warthog thinks it's a game.

You can imagine how frustrating this is for the would-be predator. It leaps out from behind a chair and pounces, sinking its teeth into the dog's flank; the dog, wagging its tail, reaches round and presses the cat's head to the floor. Then they pause, resume their former positions and start again.