Royal Lambrini and commemorative crisps? This jubilee is a marketing masterclass | Afua Hirsch

I won't be celebrating this weekend, but hats off to the royal family for knowing how to get Britain on board: through consumption and cheap booze

As the nation converts itself into a gigantic royal theme park for the platinum jubilee, I'm busy batting away casting calls for me to play bogeyman on live TV. Producers of right-leaning shows hope I might come on air and perform some on-demand Queen-bashing. Would you be interested in debating whether flags are racist," one asked, since Twitter users have compared the display of flags throughout the nation to Nazi Germany in the 1930s?"

No doubt they will find someone else willing to play the villain. Personally, I find witnessing a platinum jubilee most educational, as it is an absolute masterclass in branding. You see it in every shop: from Heinz salad cream bottles (rebranded Salad Queen" for the occasion) to lipstick (Estee Lauder's Queen for the Day") to crisps (Walker's Sensations Thai sweet chilli flavour, jubilee edition) and even toys (Aldi is bringing back a Kevin the Carrot stuffed toy dressed as Her Majesty). Those working in marketing for other brands shouldn't be too hard on themselves, it's not exactly a level playing field when it comes to the British Monarchy^TM - no other brand has its own press corps, which generally regards its role as one of sycophancy.