Susan Clairmont: ‘You’re so worthless’: A Brantford family recounts the tragedy of losing their 12-year-old to suicide
Warning: This story is about suicide. Resources for those who need help are listed at the bottom of this story.
The note was found after Grace died.
Written on a typewriter. Folded. Left on her bedroom floor.
Not So Fun Thoughts I Have Daily, it was titled.
You'll never be good enough."
You're so stupid."
God you're ugly."
No one loves you."
You're so worthless."
What's the point of getting up if you ruin everyones day."
Your parents are feeding you lies. They don't love you."
You're seriously eating again?"
You seriously don't remember? I just told you."
You don't deserve a good life."
Your self-esteem is already gone, don't try and save what's left of it."
You're not the same anymore."
Journaling won't save you forever."
I can't take it anymore. I just want it to stop."
They're only your friends out of pity"
You're so lazy."
She noted her suicidal thoughts were typed in red ink.
No one will miss you if you died."
Death will solve all your problems."
Just kill your self already."
You're better dead then alive."
Everyone will be happier if you killed yourself."
No one wants you here."
You're a waste of space."
You have no reason to even be here anymore."
Just kill yourself."
At the bottom of the page, in red, she typed I can't do this shit anymore."
Grace Lindsay McSweeney died on March 29, 2022. She was 12.
Grace wanted to be a writer some day. She wanted to say something that would make a difference in the world.
Her parents are sharing her story in the hope it will make that difference. That it will prevent another tragedy.
Grace had been bullied for years.
Most of it stemmed from her size.
At 12, she was six-feet tall and weighed 260 pounds.
That's all some kids could see.
Not that she was smart. Or funny. Or that she cherished her baby sister and loved to write poetry and sing along to Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody" with her mom.
Gracie, as her family called her, longed for acceptance. Struggled to be happy.
Her mother, Lauren Smith, and stepfather, Jeremy Krentz, tried to get her the help she needed. They went to doctors and schools looking for a lifeline, but it was too little, too late.
Now they are demanding answers. And real help for the next kid who needs it.
Grace was born in Hamilton on July 24, 2009.
When she was three, her parents split up and her mom raised her alone.
Grace started school at Sacred Heart of Jesus in Hamilton and the bullying began immediately, Lauren says.
The kids said she was too fat. She was embarrassed. She wouldn't really talk about it. She would go to her room and bawl her eyes out."
Lauren says she tried to address the problem with school staff, but the school insisted Grace wasn't being bullied.
In 2015, Lauren moved them to Paris, Ont.
Grace started at Cobblestone Elementary School and was bullied there too.
It was worse," says Lauren.
She didn't have any friends," says Jeremy. She had no one."
Her parents suspected she was depressed and had anxiety. But getting a formal diagnosis was difficult.
Meanwhile, Grace wouldn't eat in front of people. She was sensitive and self-conscious about her size.
They moved to Brantford in 2017 and Grace enrolled at Bellview Public School.
Academically, she was golden.
Grace was a straight-A student who hated math and loved writing poetry. In the subjects she enjoyed - history, geography - she asked teachers for extra homework.
But socially, Grace continued to struggle.
Lauren and Jeremy pushed hard to find her a counsellor. It took time, but when she was in Grade 5, they were successful. She began weekly sessions with a social worker through the Grand Erie District School Board.
Despite those sessions, Grace said she wanted to kill herself. She was 10.
Her sessions with the school board counsellor ended during the pandemic and in July 2021 Grace began seeing a therapist through a community-based program.
That counsellor was tremendously helpful," Lauren says.
Lauren and Jeremy chose not to put Grace on medication, though it was recommended.
She just seemed so young," Lauren says. I wanted her to learn to cope with it."
That decision pains her now, but at the time Lauren was hopeful.
When Grace hit Grade 7, it seemed like she had turned a corner.
She made friends at school.
A student who had bullied her moved away and Grace began to fit in.
She was accepted," her parents believed.
Grace, who was typically afraid of everything," was feeling so well that she took an extraordinarily brave step.
She asked the prettiest girl in school out," says Lauren.
For a while in January, according to Lauren, Grace and her crush were a bit of an item.
All of that tentative, newfound belonging came crashing down on March 25.
Something upset Grace at school that Friday.
It is still unclear exactly what happened. There had been a badminton game, Lauren says, and a dispute between players. A group of students, including Grace, were sent to the principal's office.
Grace came home, crying. She blamed herself.
She began writing apologies to those involved. She unfollowed friends on social media.
She beat herself up," says Lauren. She can't cope. It was the fear of losing what she'd never had before."
That night, Grace swallowed a bunch of Tylenol made to ease arthritis pain. The bottle had an easy to open cap - designed for users with arthritic hands.
Lauren says she broke down the bathroom door to get to her, after realizing something was amiss.
Lauren believed her daughter had swallowed just five pills and, after consulting with a family member who was a nurse, thought she would be fine. She might have a bit of a stomach ache, but if she drank lots of water the medication would be flushed out of her system.
Over that weekend, Grace didn't feel well. She didn't want to eat.
Coincidentally, Grace's six-year-old sister was complaining of a stomach ache and vomited. Then Jeremy felt lousy.
They thought the family was coming down with COVID.
Lauren tried to get Grace to eat some crackers. She gave her Gatorade.
At 6 a.m. on Monday, Grace was sent back up to her bedroom to rest instead of going to school.
I walked her upstairs," says Lauren. I tucked her in. She rolled over on her side."
A little later, banging could be heard from Grace's room.
Lauren found her naked, trashing her room. She'd pulled the mattress off her bed.
She was totally out of it," says Lauren.
An ambulance rushed Grace to Brantford General Hospital. She had to be restrained and she said she couldn't see.
Mommy? I love you Mommy," she said.
Grace went into cardiac arrest. She stopped breathing and was having seizures, Lauren says. She was airlifted to McMaster Children's Hospital. Her heart failed again.
A doctor told Lauren: Go in there and spend time with her while you can. Because she's not coming back."
Lauren held her daughter's hand. Grace died at 1:30 a.m. on the Tuesday.
Grace's family doctor completed an insurance form after her death. It cites her cause of death as multi-organ failure" due to Tylenol overdose."
A full toxicology report is pending. It is unclear how much Tylenol she ingested or if any other substances were in her system.
In the days after she died, Lauren and Jeremy searched for answers.
Grace was a prolific writer - poems, journals, notes. In her writing, she expressed the things she never said aloud.
She was pouring her heart out," Jeremy says. Worries and apologies."
In one note, Grace confessed to cutting her ankles. They found a knife in her room.
In messages to a friend, Grace revealed she had sought help from a teacher.
I went to Ms. ... almost everyday because I was getting bullied. She didn't do jack shit," Grace wrote. They say come talk to them if u have a problem, yet they don't actually give a shit ... Like they don't actually give a shit til its too late. Like if i got bullied into suicide, they would actually do something ...Like who do i even go to at this point."
The Spectator has repeatedly reached out to the Grand Erie District School Board with questions about Grace, bullying-prevention policies and access to mental-health care.
Dave Smouter, manager of communication and community relations, says Grace's death remains the subject of ongoing internal review."
He did not elaborate on the nature of the review, who is conducting the review, the purpose of the review or how the results of the review will be shared.
We can assure you the board is taking this matter very seriously," Smouter responded by email.
On the issue of bullying, Smouter wrote: We strive to create school environments where there is open communication, where students report concerns to teachers, and parents bring their concerns to staff."
On mental-health care, he said: Students and staff have access to a wide array of mental-health resources and programming, which was further expanded during the pandemic. We regularly review our programs to ensure they are meeting the needs of students and staff. We will continue to make all necessary investments in these critical supports for the health and well-being of our students."
Lauren wants parents to know kids can overdose on common over-the-counter medications that are in every home's medicine cabinet. There should be stronger label warnings and childproof caps on Tylenol, she says.
Large quantities of Tylenol can cause liver failure.
In 2019, the Canadian Institute for Health Information said the number of intentional overdoses involving over-the-counter drugs increased steeply among young people in the last decade.
A Globe and Mail story said that, for children under the age of 13, the number of intentional overdoses - while still small - nearly tripled, between 2010 and 2018."
In Ontario and Alberta combined, there were 99 intentional overdoses involving non-opioid painkillers, non-steroid anti-inflammatories and Aspirin in children under 13 in 2018, compared to 27 in 2010.
In some countries, higher does of Tylenol are restricted, as is the number of pills that can be sold at once.
One Ontario study, published in the journal Clinical Toxicology, analyzed rising rates of intentional overdoses among youth between 2010 and 2015.
It found Tylenol was the most commonly used drug, but almost all teens who quickly go to the emergency department for an intentional overdose survive.
Larry Brock, Conservative MP for Brantford-Brant, wants his party's health committee to study the issues highlighted by Grace's suicide. That includes funding for mental-health care, but also the possibility of regulating Tylenol in Canada.
Warning labels, childproof caps on all bottles, decreasing the potency of extra-strength Tylenol, keeping it behind the counter and reducing the quantity of pills available in large bottles could all make a difference, he says.
All these possibilities amount to a common-sense approach" that could save lives, says Brock.
Trust your instincts," says Lauren. Don't hesitate to take your child to the ER. I would never in my wildest dreams have thought that Tylenol would to that."
Gracie was my best friend," she says. She wouldn't hurt a fly."
Lauren still talks to Grace.
Sometimes she sits at Grace's desk in her bedroom and writes to her in a little notebook she keeps there.
She is surrounded by Grace's things: guitars, stuffed animals, fairy lights, eyeglasses.
Her typewriter.
The ephemera of a 12-year-old girl's bedroom.
Except that on the desk is an urn.
A big, bold, beautiful rainbow urn.
FOR HELP
Kids Help Line: 1-800-668-6868 or kidshelpphone.ca
COAST: 905-972-8338
Barrett Centre: 1-844-777-3571
Native Women's Centre: 1-888-308-6559
Good2Talk: 1-866-925-5454
Crisis Services Canada: 1-833-456-4566
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Susan Clairmont is a justice columnist at The Spectator. sclairmont@thespec.com