The unspoken truth about gardening? It is a relentless, unwinnable war

Peace is simply not possible in my garden. If I snooze, I lose. The green tide just keeps coming and I can never beat it back

Television gardeners are a serene species. A snip here, a bit of potting there, their spades breaking earth rich and dark as they murmur wise and loving words. The soundtrack is as soft and gentle as the songs of the birds a-chirping their gratitude from the bushes and trees. All is well in the gardens of the television gardeners.

Cut to any gardening show I might present. There would be no birdsong for a soundtrack, only heavy metal, as brutal as the sound of my spade hitting another unmovable rock. When Lemmy got Motorhead together he said its music would be, loud, fast, city, raucous, arrogant, paranoid, speed-freak rock'n'roll. It will be so loud that if we move in next door to you, your lawn will die." Yes, Motorhead's sound will be just the ticket for my gardening show. Not for me the standard vibe of working with nature. It'll be man v nature, a battle with only one winner, which won't be me.

Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster, writer and Guardian columnist