It seems there are only two modes of billionaire: deathly dull or unstoppably cringe | Joel Golby

What would you buy if you were richer than God? Surely something cooler than an eerie statue of your girlfriend for the prow of your yacht

I'm always disappointed by the outer reaches of my own imagination when I sit and idly wonder about myself as a rich person. For some reason having a full-sized pool table" is always involved. Three holidays a year, that sort of thing. Maybe fly first-class. Maybe learn to drive, maybe have a chauffeur, I can't decide. I think I would stop pausing when burrito places ask me if I want guacamole, but unlearning that behaviour would take a while.

I think there is a limit to how much wealth a human being can spend interestingly, and mine caps out just short of the 2m mark. If I were a billionaire I would, simply, be a very boring one. I would retreat into a gated mansion, get a VR headset for my PlayStation that I never use, then pay Robbie Williams to come over and be my mate. That's about it.

Joel Golby is a writer for the Guardian and Vice, and the author of Brilliant, Brilliant, Brilliant Brilliant Brilliant